It seems to always start with a glass of wine and some hot water. That's what I have noticed gets my creative juices going.
This time, I sat in the bathtub, grinning like a fool, laughing quietly at myself for listening to bluegrass-inspired music like the Avett Brothers. I found it tantalizingly humorous that as I sat in the hot water...no I lie, it was lukewarm...I couldn't stop laughing about the fact that in the matter of about five months, I had outgrown my apartment. Between two dogs, Tyler and I and all our new gifts from our registries and a few new pieces of furniture...our tiny one bedroom apartment is feeling homey. And homey can be cozy but all too quickly it can get crowded. I'm surrounded by abundance and it feels beautiful. Abundance of friends, family, love, food and furniture. I get to fall asleep next to my future husband and with two creatures that think we are just the coolest things in the world. How many people can say that? How many people can say that they are living in an incredibly nice, new neighborhood, on their own means and surviving with well-paid jobs? We are looking towards the future, remembering our past that got us here, but never tripping on what we carry from the years gone.
In fact, almost a year ago we were living somewhere completely different, doing completely different things, going towards a completely different goal. I went from being penniless, homeless, jobless and lost overnight to the life that I see all around me right now. I'm planning a wedding to the man of my dreams, sitting on our couch in our apartment, tummy full of pizza and body pleasantly sore from CrossFit. It's crazy how in a year, month or even a day a life can change. And no matter how dark it seems in the moment it gets SO much better in the end, and you realize that everything EVERYTHING e v e r y t h i n g in your life happens exactly the way it's supposed to.
And on a crazy side note..I have come full circle. Again.
When I was little, I had a little mermaid book that I used to beg my grandpa to read to me. He would put me up on his lap, open the book to the first page and read "Once upon a time, there was a little mermaid," here he would flip to the next page, "and she lived in the ocean..." he would start quickly flipping all the pages and talking really fast, "...she liked to swim and she had a friend fish and she had red hair and the end!" And he would shut the book.
I couldn't read and I remember always being frustrated with him and telling him, "NO! That's not the whole book!" He would try to convince me that it was. So I learned to read and write so I could write my own stories and read them to him. Well years later when I moved to Hawaii I started sending detailed emails to my friends and family back home to describe what ridiculously humorous events were happening in my life. My grandpa and gramma encouraged me to get a blog, which started this. All throughout my Hawaii adventures I emailed and blogged and kept journals and when career after career in the marine industry started to fail all around me, those closest to me kept telling me to write. Write when you're happy, write when you're sad, write when you want to write, write when you don't want to write. I did, but mostly when I was sad. In Santa Clarita I dabbled with the option of sending some stuff to local newspapers and magazines but always felt like you couldn't make a career out of writing.
Enter Amber. My dear friend and wife to a friend of mine from high school. They are our neighbors who are also vendors at our wedding. She received a great position at a company called Scorpion Design. I apply and before I know it, I am working at a writer. And not just a little here and there writer, a full-time salaried writer. I have made a career out of writing. I am an SEO or a Search Engine Optimizer. I write content for websites using critical search terms to make them rank in Google, Bing, Yahoo or any other type of search engine. In fact, if I wanted to (and I might) I could probably make my blog rank pretty well! But regardless, I have come full circle. Because my grandpa read me The Little Mermaid when I was little so quickly, he (in an odd way) encouraged me to write my OWN stories that I could read to him. My gramma Dolores used to inspire me to tell stories on her front porch. My dad and family encouraged me to write and keep track of everything and Kelly sparked my interest in creative writing. Now, I get to write everyday. I have been placed on the unlaunched content team for the websites that we are writing for, my sole job is to write content for law websites to make them rank in the search engines and I love it. It is incredible. I am living (another) one of my dreams.
I don't know how many times I have said this, or will say it...what you put out into the universe will come back to you. I have got to do everything I have wanted to do. I have worked in the marine industry, animal care industry and now I get to write. Can you imagine what I will do in a year, five years, ten years, fifty years? Or what YOU will do? So tell yourself and the tell the universe that you will be happy, you will prosper, you will be in love, you will be wealthy, you will have everything you have dreamed...and you will. Believe it, feel it with every fiber of your being, because this stuff really does work. I am proof.
I write all day and I feel like I need to write again when I get home. These are my ramblings from an overly excitable mind, with no flow or rhyme or reason, but just needing to come out of my head and into the tangible.
Is the internet tangible?
Until I need to word-vomit again...so long, farewell. Namaste.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
A short story about CrossFit
Rebounding from my last very angry post about Christmas...I thought that I would be able to start with something a little funny and upbeat.
This is a short story on how CrossFit has completely and utterly ruined the gym experience for me.
A long long time ago when I was a wee lass that couldn't lift a heavy box without asking for help, the idea of starting a rigorous workout agenda sounded daunting. The images of CrossFit that were splattered on google at the the time looked like He-Man and Barbarella just finished a juice fast and were hitting the GloboGym hard for a quick pre-workout before their body building competitions. So needless to say my first CrossFit class at CrossFit East Oahu seemed like a death sentence.
If you have read previous blogs you will know by now that it was so obviously NOT that, in fact it was completely revolutionary for me. It was the start of a life, not a death of one. Well, maybe the death of the wimpy out of shape Bree...but from every death is rebirth right? REBORN was the Bree that entered a CrossFit throw down and that has a goal of power cleaning 135lbs!!
Now...why CrossFit has ruined every GloboGym, regular workout scheme for me ever again. BECAUSE THEY DON'T WORK. There. They don't. Your cardio today, legs tomorrow, three pound baby weights and pully system workout machines are pointless. They are absolutely ridiculously stupid. Sorry. You will never in your life use one of those machines in the real world. You will never need to incline your butt to push something with one leg and your toes pointed forward while staring in a mirror at your own reflection flexing your non-existant muscles in the reality we live in. What will you have to do? Pick up something heavy off the floor? Yes. Throw something that maybe slightly heavy onto an upper shelf? Yes! Lift your sorry ass up onto a higher object? Perhaps? Will you need to walk? Of course. Run? Maybe. Sit down, stand up and move like a normal functional human being? Yes! What does CrossFit give you? Free weights, heavy weights, light weights, pull ups, constantly varied movements that you will need to use in your real world? Yes. Cardio on a treadmill? Hell no! Cardio from lifting, moving and doing things that are FUNCTIONAL. I have yet to do a "cardio" workout in almost a year because guess what? I don't need it.
"Brianna," you may say, "but how are you losing weight if you aren't doing cardio one day, legs the next day, arms the following and abs every other third moon cycle when the rain has come to stay for longer than a harvest?"
*poker face stare*...I have NEVER looked better!! I have never felt better, looked leaner or been more active and healthier in my life! I've lost inches, gained muscle and shed pounds (I have intentionally and knowingly added about a pound onto my body when I was in the peak of my performance...that was all muscle).
"Brianna," you will ask again, "aren't you bulky? Doesn't lifting weights make you look like Barbarella (or He-Man)?"
No. It will make you look toned. It will make you look like you are healthy and active and you can do more than lift a remote off the couch to change the channel. Sure, you can look bulky if you want to, but that requires a lot of time and effort and if you would truly like to look that way, wonderful! That's a lot of commitment and I admire that.
Today I decided that I was bored sitting in my living room and since I don't have a CrossFit membership at the moment I needed to do something. I am one of the lucky ones that has a dumbbell set and kettlebells and boxes in my garage (where's my barbells!?). I did a warm up of 50 20kg American kettlebell swings and decided I would head down to the gym at our apartment complex to see what it was all about. There were a few loose dumbbells and I made up a quick WOD of 5 heavy...for me...push presses (40 pounds), 10 pushups and 15 squats...5 rounds for time. As I'm nearing my 3rd round I'm drenched in sweat, huffing and puffing and saying "SHIT!" loudly every time I drop those weights. I lay on the floor panting before I start my pushups and look around me to see the other people in the gym staring. Someone asked me if the floor was dirty. Dirty? I thought it was clean compared to most gyms! No one else is sweating...no one else seems to be doing a whole lot but walking with workout clothes or staring at a TV on an elliptical machine. There's a girl in the corner doing some HIDEOUS squats. Wait a second...this isn't a box!!
I stop at round 4 and walk over to the girl who is doing squats that are going to throw her back out with a medicine ball that is more suited for her than the one she is currently using. I start to coach her on having her weight in the heels, watching for the butt wink and telling her to stand with the weight in her chest. Her boyfriend pipes up and asks what sports I play. Sports? I do CrossFit! CrossFit? He doesn't even know what it is....so I start YouTubing...doing little demos in the small gym and showing him everything that his personal trainer at *cough* 24Hour Fitness has shown him was wrong. I couldn't help myself. He said he maxed a power clean at 100lbs. I HAD to show him up and give him my max (I couldn't help myself!). I explained everything I knew, showed proof that CrossFit works and pointed them toward a wonderful nearby CrossFit box. Everyone else in the gym was eavesdropping...I hope they take something away from it!!
As I walked back to my apartment I realized that what everyone else is assuming is a workout...isn't. I feel like maybe I helped change someones attitude towards working out and what it really means to be an athlete. Granted, CF has completely blown up even from a year ago with Reebok sponsoring and the ads on TV and all that other jazz...but the heart of CF is still there. It's still about conquering mental barriers about your body and fitness and breaking down physical walls. It's about seeing that true change in yourself. I hate to say it, but I will NEVER be able to go back to a normal gym again. This was an eye opener!
I have no better way to wrap this up than to just say you should try it. You should. It may not be for everyone but it is for a lot of people and there is a reason why it is quickly becoming the most popular fitness routine in the world (no sorry not P90X or Insanity). So...with nothing else to stay...
FIN.
This is a short story on how CrossFit has completely and utterly ruined the gym experience for me.
A long long time ago when I was a wee lass that couldn't lift a heavy box without asking for help, the idea of starting a rigorous workout agenda sounded daunting. The images of CrossFit that were splattered on google at the the time looked like He-Man and Barbarella just finished a juice fast and were hitting the GloboGym hard for a quick pre-workout before their body building competitions. So needless to say my first CrossFit class at CrossFit East Oahu seemed like a death sentence.
If you have read previous blogs you will know by now that it was so obviously NOT that, in fact it was completely revolutionary for me. It was the start of a life, not a death of one. Well, maybe the death of the wimpy out of shape Bree...but from every death is rebirth right? REBORN was the Bree that entered a CrossFit throw down and that has a goal of power cleaning 135lbs!!
Now...why CrossFit has ruined every GloboGym, regular workout scheme for me ever again. BECAUSE THEY DON'T WORK. There. They don't. Your cardio today, legs tomorrow, three pound baby weights and pully system workout machines are pointless. They are absolutely ridiculously stupid. Sorry. You will never in your life use one of those machines in the real world. You will never need to incline your butt to push something with one leg and your toes pointed forward while staring in a mirror at your own reflection flexing your non-existant muscles in the reality we live in. What will you have to do? Pick up something heavy off the floor? Yes. Throw something that maybe slightly heavy onto an upper shelf? Yes! Lift your sorry ass up onto a higher object? Perhaps? Will you need to walk? Of course. Run? Maybe. Sit down, stand up and move like a normal functional human being? Yes! What does CrossFit give you? Free weights, heavy weights, light weights, pull ups, constantly varied movements that you will need to use in your real world? Yes. Cardio on a treadmill? Hell no! Cardio from lifting, moving and doing things that are FUNCTIONAL. I have yet to do a "cardio" workout in almost a year because guess what? I don't need it.
"Brianna," you may say, "but how are you losing weight if you aren't doing cardio one day, legs the next day, arms the following and abs every other third moon cycle when the rain has come to stay for longer than a harvest?"
*poker face stare*...I have NEVER looked better!! I have never felt better, looked leaner or been more active and healthier in my life! I've lost inches, gained muscle and shed pounds (I have intentionally and knowingly added about a pound onto my body when I was in the peak of my performance...that was all muscle).
"Brianna," you will ask again, "aren't you bulky? Doesn't lifting weights make you look like Barbarella (or He-Man)?"
No. It will make you look toned. It will make you look like you are healthy and active and you can do more than lift a remote off the couch to change the channel. Sure, you can look bulky if you want to, but that requires a lot of time and effort and if you would truly like to look that way, wonderful! That's a lot of commitment and I admire that.
Today I decided that I was bored sitting in my living room and since I don't have a CrossFit membership at the moment I needed to do something. I am one of the lucky ones that has a dumbbell set and kettlebells and boxes in my garage (where's my barbells!?). I did a warm up of 50 20kg American kettlebell swings and decided I would head down to the gym at our apartment complex to see what it was all about. There were a few loose dumbbells and I made up a quick WOD of 5 heavy...for me...push presses (40 pounds), 10 pushups and 15 squats...5 rounds for time. As I'm nearing my 3rd round I'm drenched in sweat, huffing and puffing and saying "SHIT!" loudly every time I drop those weights. I lay on the floor panting before I start my pushups and look around me to see the other people in the gym staring. Someone asked me if the floor was dirty. Dirty? I thought it was clean compared to most gyms! No one else is sweating...no one else seems to be doing a whole lot but walking with workout clothes or staring at a TV on an elliptical machine. There's a girl in the corner doing some HIDEOUS squats. Wait a second...this isn't a box!!
I stop at round 4 and walk over to the girl who is doing squats that are going to throw her back out with a medicine ball that is more suited for her than the one she is currently using. I start to coach her on having her weight in the heels, watching for the butt wink and telling her to stand with the weight in her chest. Her boyfriend pipes up and asks what sports I play. Sports? I do CrossFit! CrossFit? He doesn't even know what it is....so I start YouTubing...doing little demos in the small gym and showing him everything that his personal trainer at *cough* 24Hour Fitness has shown him was wrong. I couldn't help myself. He said he maxed a power clean at 100lbs. I HAD to show him up and give him my max (I couldn't help myself!). I explained everything I knew, showed proof that CrossFit works and pointed them toward a wonderful nearby CrossFit box. Everyone else in the gym was eavesdropping...I hope they take something away from it!!
As I walked back to my apartment I realized that what everyone else is assuming is a workout...isn't. I feel like maybe I helped change someones attitude towards working out and what it really means to be an athlete. Granted, CF has completely blown up even from a year ago with Reebok sponsoring and the ads on TV and all that other jazz...but the heart of CF is still there. It's still about conquering mental barriers about your body and fitness and breaking down physical walls. It's about seeing that true change in yourself. I hate to say it, but I will NEVER be able to go back to a normal gym again. This was an eye opener!
I have no better way to wrap this up than to just say you should try it. You should. It may not be for everyone but it is for a lot of people and there is a reason why it is quickly becoming the most popular fitness routine in the world (no sorry not P90X or Insanity). So...with nothing else to stay...
FIN.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Merry freakin Christmas
Be forewarned. This is a rant.
I am frustrated and feel like everything is collapsing and falling in and no matter how much I tell myself that this is okay and I am okay and this situation is okay...I keep panicking. Tonight I had massive anxiety attack over nothing in particular (granted in that moment it seemed catastrophic) but it was just the overwhelmingness of everything. I tend to make mountains out of molehills or so the saying goes.
I freaked out over the fact that the work is scarce, the money tree has frozen over with the season, the Christmas presents seem to be taunting me, the wedding seems over done, the "place of my own" seems like a far away dream, the school seems to be playing keep-away and I just can't seem to make my mind up on colors and tuxedos. I think I would have been okay but the damn Christmas tree WOULD NOT light and that just threw me into a fit and I started to blame the Christmas tree and got mad at Tyler and my mom and threw off my Santa hat and stormed out of the room and just absolutely freaking lost it.
I suppose now that I can breathe (and feel the pounding headache)...I don't know what to do. I thought writing would make me feel better. It doesn't. I thought sitting here and relaxing might calm me. Not really.
So. I guess I'm done. I've never really done this. Sat down, not known what to write. But...there is a first time for everything. I guess I just wanted to tell you how ANGRY that Christmas tree made me.
The end.
I am frustrated and feel like everything is collapsing and falling in and no matter how much I tell myself that this is okay and I am okay and this situation is okay...I keep panicking. Tonight I had massive anxiety attack over nothing in particular (granted in that moment it seemed catastrophic) but it was just the overwhelmingness of everything. I tend to make mountains out of molehills or so the saying goes.
I freaked out over the fact that the work is scarce, the money tree has frozen over with the season, the Christmas presents seem to be taunting me, the wedding seems over done, the "place of my own" seems like a far away dream, the school seems to be playing keep-away and I just can't seem to make my mind up on colors and tuxedos. I think I would have been okay but the damn Christmas tree WOULD NOT light and that just threw me into a fit and I started to blame the Christmas tree and got mad at Tyler and my mom and threw off my Santa hat and stormed out of the room and just absolutely freaking lost it.
I suppose now that I can breathe (and feel the pounding headache)...I don't know what to do. I thought writing would make me feel better. It doesn't. I thought sitting here and relaxing might calm me. Not really.
So. I guess I'm done. I've never really done this. Sat down, not known what to write. But...there is a first time for everything. I guess I just wanted to tell you how ANGRY that Christmas tree made me.
The end.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
It is the same ocean.
If I stand on the edge of the great Pacific, stretch my hands outward in front of me and squint my eyes really hard, can I make out those islands in the sun? Can I scan those 2,000 some miles to reach the golden sand beaches of Waikiki? Can it be a finger stretch away from being just out of reach?
What beach is this? What sand is this? What water is this? What sky is this?
Dearest mind, one month ago this beach was Kailua. This sand was coral that had been rolled gently along waves until it broke into tiny remnants of what was once a reef. This water was tropical and blue. This sky was the sun leaving behind the glows of another Hawaiian day. But lovely heart, today this beach is Ventura. This sand is years of rocky coast being churned over and over as it is pulled along the California byte system. This water is cool and green. This is the fog-quilted blue sky of Southern California. Those islands in the sun are closer than 2,000 miles, those are the Channel Islands, not the Hawaiian Islands.
But look heart, look mind, look soul. See this ocean? See the grand Pacific? See this musky green? Remember that vibrant blue? It is the same. This is the same. This is the Pacific, this is the same ocean. This ocean has touched the shores of Oahu and caressed the sands of Japan. This ocean has skimmed over reef in Indonesia, stopped for a visit in Australia and frolicked with penguins along Peru. It has been cooled by the Arctic waters and Alaskan glaciers and warmed by South Pacific beaches. This water is now here at your feet, as you stand on the beach in California. This Pacific is no different than what it was anywhere else in the world. This water is the Pacific, it may have been the Atlantic, dabbled in the Indian and spent time in the Mediterranean. The single water molecule that has bobbed in this ocean may have sailed all seven seas. Humans have put the names of the oceans on maps, but it is all one ocean. One fluid system of water working together. This is the Pacific, that is the Arctic, here is the great trenches and rises and plains and abysses. But this is all the same ocean.
So if I stand on the edge of the great Pacific and stretch my hands outward and squint my eyes really hard, yes...I can see those islands and all the other lands that this ocean has touched. But if I stand on the edge of the Pacific and place my hands at my side and close my eyes....I am exactly where I need to be. In this moment. On this shore. I have traveled with this ocean, with all the oceans, with all the water. I have been fluid and motionless and connected and distant. I have worked like the gyre systems of these great seas. I have sunk to cool off and rose to be heated by the sun just to move around this great planet of ours. And now, like my beloved ocean, I can rest momentarily (or indefinitely) on a shore. Like a message in a bottle or a coconut washed up on a remote landscape; this is where the ocean has brought me.
This is where I will stay until the next tidal change.
It is the same ocean after all.
What beach is this? What sand is this? What water is this? What sky is this?
Dearest mind, one month ago this beach was Kailua. This sand was coral that had been rolled gently along waves until it broke into tiny remnants of what was once a reef. This water was tropical and blue. This sky was the sun leaving behind the glows of another Hawaiian day. But lovely heart, today this beach is Ventura. This sand is years of rocky coast being churned over and over as it is pulled along the California byte system. This water is cool and green. This is the fog-quilted blue sky of Southern California. Those islands in the sun are closer than 2,000 miles, those are the Channel Islands, not the Hawaiian Islands.
But look heart, look mind, look soul. See this ocean? See the grand Pacific? See this musky green? Remember that vibrant blue? It is the same. This is the same. This is the Pacific, this is the same ocean. This ocean has touched the shores of Oahu and caressed the sands of Japan. This ocean has skimmed over reef in Indonesia, stopped for a visit in Australia and frolicked with penguins along Peru. It has been cooled by the Arctic waters and Alaskan glaciers and warmed by South Pacific beaches. This water is now here at your feet, as you stand on the beach in California. This Pacific is no different than what it was anywhere else in the world. This water is the Pacific, it may have been the Atlantic, dabbled in the Indian and spent time in the Mediterranean. The single water molecule that has bobbed in this ocean may have sailed all seven seas. Humans have put the names of the oceans on maps, but it is all one ocean. One fluid system of water working together. This is the Pacific, that is the Arctic, here is the great trenches and rises and plains and abysses. But this is all the same ocean.
So if I stand on the edge of the great Pacific and stretch my hands outward and squint my eyes really hard, yes...I can see those islands and all the other lands that this ocean has touched. But if I stand on the edge of the Pacific and place my hands at my side and close my eyes....I am exactly where I need to be. In this moment. On this shore. I have traveled with this ocean, with all the oceans, with all the water. I have been fluid and motionless and connected and distant. I have worked like the gyre systems of these great seas. I have sunk to cool off and rose to be heated by the sun just to move around this great planet of ours. And now, like my beloved ocean, I can rest momentarily (or indefinitely) on a shore. Like a message in a bottle or a coconut washed up on a remote landscape; this is where the ocean has brought me.
This is where I will stay until the next tidal change.
It is the same ocean after all.
Monday, October 3, 2011
I can take it with me
It was raining. So I drank red wine.
I packed the rest of my things, set aside three days worth of clothes and some WOD gear, literally and metaphorically. I zipped my suitcases, closed the box and put them next to my carry-on and my wedding gown. I made dinner. I found ingredients in the pantry and freezer that were going to go bad if I didn't use them and threw them in a pan. I sat down with red wine, ate dinner alone and watched tv. I got up, cleaned up and went to take a shower. I undressed like a slob, not realizing how quickly the wine had caught up to me and stepped into the shower. The hot water hit me and it was like those scenes from a moving where your life flashes in front of your eyes. That moment when it all comes rushing back to you. When you see where you have gone, what you have been doing and question why you are doing it. I can almost here the music as it came rushing back to the shower. Cut to scene: girl in shower, sunburn, naked, hot water...frightened expression on her bewildered face. Cue the tears. Action.
It was raining. So I drank red wine. I packed, made dinner and took a shower. I questioned what the hell I was doing. And I cried.
I told Tyler that it wouldn't be the end of me crying a few weeks ago when I finally booked my ticket. But I thought that I was ready to go? I thought that I was over this, that I had convinced myself that I was freeing myself from the torment and sudden punch in the mouth that Oahu had delivered YET AGAIN. Like a really sexy abusive boyfriend I keep returning to thinking I can tame the "bad boy", I run back to this island begging for forgiveness for ever doubting and ever leaving, only to get socked in the eye, punched in the mouth, thrown out and spit on. Again. And again. And again and did I mention this was the third time coming and fourth time leaving this damn place??
So I got out of the shower and sat on the toilet and looked up. I spoke to any higher power of God, energies, deceased relatives and amakua. "Give me the strength to walk away. Give me the strength to walk away from this life I've created, from these people, from these material possessions I feel claim my life. Give me the strength to leave this island. Give me the strength to walk away from CrossFit East Oahu, from my friends, from this home I created. Please, please, please!" I sobbed, closed my eyes and opened them again. I was staring face to face with my reflection. I stopped crying for a moment and took it in...
My eyes get puffy when I cry and my lips tend to pout ridiculously. My hair was wet but it was really long and pulled back behind my shoulders. On my collar was a tan line from yesterday. Some hideous sunburn I had gotten while doing the CrossFit throwdown. It clashed with my bathingsuit tan. I lifted my arm to wipe my eyes and noticed the definition of muscle. I leaned my head on my hand and saw it again. I stood up and noticed my abs were tight, my tanlines were visible, my hair was uncut and lightened from the years in the sun. There was a bruise on my shoulders, tender marks on my ribcage from where heavy weights had fallen on them. My hands were callused, my feet were raw. On my left hand was a brilliant sparkle that caught my eye. All of a sudden I got a feeling...that moment when it all comes rushing back to you. When you see where you have gone, what you have been doing and question why you are doing it...
Oahu isn't only inside of my soul and stamped into my being, but it has manifested itself on my body. I will forever carry with me my friends from CrossFit East Oahu. Their imprint is there. It is on my chest, visible in my bruise from the weight. It is rippling inside the fiber of the muscles they have formed on me. These are my muscles on my body, but they belong to Rose and Keoni. This is a product of their commitment and time invested on my body. This tanline, although it may fade, is the Hawaiian sun smiling down on my skin. Each line a visible representation of a moment of bliss under its rays. A surf session here, a competition there. These callused hands have gripped bars, carried children and waxed boards. They have shook the hands and hugged the people of friends that will forever be apart of me. These feet, as raw as they are, are formed from hours in the gym, running on sand, walking barefoot around my yard and over gravel and hot lava rock. My hair is long because I didn't want to pay to cut it here, where the weather is so perfect I don't need to bother drying it. My eyes may be reflecting the tired I feel from these weeks but I know at least I have somewhere to rest them thanks to friends. My smile may be hidden by sorrow but I know I smile broader because I have known true love. Every time I see the ring on my left hand I will be back on Waikiki beach in a thunder storm.
These physical proofs of life on this aina make me feel like I can take another step closer to that Hawaiian Airlines gate. That gate where I know a plane will be waiting, my name assigned to a seat, non-stop service to Portland, Oregon. I know that on the other side of that gate will be my dad and my brother, waiting with a jacket and smiles to grab my bags, listen to my stories and carry me off to a week of peace. Those same people will see me to Los Angeles, where there will be my mom, my friends, my family and my cousins inviting me with open arms back to my childhood home. Pretty soon I will extend the same warmth, the same aloha to Tyler as we start our new life and our new adventure on the golden beaches of southern California. We can be ambassadors of aloha, like we were shown last night by our friends gathered around that beautiful Hawaiian sunset. This isn't goodbye, this is only a temporary parting.
The lei I gave Tyler on his first day arriving at the airport is hanging in the gym, awaiting the return of its owner. The leis we were given last night will one day hang in our own gym, awaiting the return of their owners. The spirit of aloha will be alive in all of us as we journey through this life. As a welcoming gesture to all who step foot inside our homes, our workplaces, our private and personal lives, aloha will live on. CrossFit Aloha anyone?
I can walk away. Only because I can take it with me.
I packed the rest of my things, set aside three days worth of clothes and some WOD gear, literally and metaphorically. I zipped my suitcases, closed the box and put them next to my carry-on and my wedding gown. I made dinner. I found ingredients in the pantry and freezer that were going to go bad if I didn't use them and threw them in a pan. I sat down with red wine, ate dinner alone and watched tv. I got up, cleaned up and went to take a shower. I undressed like a slob, not realizing how quickly the wine had caught up to me and stepped into the shower. The hot water hit me and it was like those scenes from a moving where your life flashes in front of your eyes. That moment when it all comes rushing back to you. When you see where you have gone, what you have been doing and question why you are doing it. I can almost here the music as it came rushing back to the shower. Cut to scene: girl in shower, sunburn, naked, hot water...frightened expression on her bewildered face. Cue the tears. Action.
It was raining. So I drank red wine. I packed, made dinner and took a shower. I questioned what the hell I was doing. And I cried.
I told Tyler that it wouldn't be the end of me crying a few weeks ago when I finally booked my ticket. But I thought that I was ready to go? I thought that I was over this, that I had convinced myself that I was freeing myself from the torment and sudden punch in the mouth that Oahu had delivered YET AGAIN. Like a really sexy abusive boyfriend I keep returning to thinking I can tame the "bad boy", I run back to this island begging for forgiveness for ever doubting and ever leaving, only to get socked in the eye, punched in the mouth, thrown out and spit on. Again. And again. And again and did I mention this was the third time coming and fourth time leaving this damn place??
So I got out of the shower and sat on the toilet and looked up. I spoke to any higher power of God, energies, deceased relatives and amakua. "Give me the strength to walk away. Give me the strength to walk away from this life I've created, from these people, from these material possessions I feel claim my life. Give me the strength to leave this island. Give me the strength to walk away from CrossFit East Oahu, from my friends, from this home I created. Please, please, please!" I sobbed, closed my eyes and opened them again. I was staring face to face with my reflection. I stopped crying for a moment and took it in...
My eyes get puffy when I cry and my lips tend to pout ridiculously. My hair was wet but it was really long and pulled back behind my shoulders. On my collar was a tan line from yesterday. Some hideous sunburn I had gotten while doing the CrossFit throwdown. It clashed with my bathingsuit tan. I lifted my arm to wipe my eyes and noticed the definition of muscle. I leaned my head on my hand and saw it again. I stood up and noticed my abs were tight, my tanlines were visible, my hair was uncut and lightened from the years in the sun. There was a bruise on my shoulders, tender marks on my ribcage from where heavy weights had fallen on them. My hands were callused, my feet were raw. On my left hand was a brilliant sparkle that caught my eye. All of a sudden I got a feeling...that moment when it all comes rushing back to you. When you see where you have gone, what you have been doing and question why you are doing it...
Oahu isn't only inside of my soul and stamped into my being, but it has manifested itself on my body. I will forever carry with me my friends from CrossFit East Oahu. Their imprint is there. It is on my chest, visible in my bruise from the weight. It is rippling inside the fiber of the muscles they have formed on me. These are my muscles on my body, but they belong to Rose and Keoni. This is a product of their commitment and time invested on my body. This tanline, although it may fade, is the Hawaiian sun smiling down on my skin. Each line a visible representation of a moment of bliss under its rays. A surf session here, a competition there. These callused hands have gripped bars, carried children and waxed boards. They have shook the hands and hugged the people of friends that will forever be apart of me. These feet, as raw as they are, are formed from hours in the gym, running on sand, walking barefoot around my yard and over gravel and hot lava rock. My hair is long because I didn't want to pay to cut it here, where the weather is so perfect I don't need to bother drying it. My eyes may be reflecting the tired I feel from these weeks but I know at least I have somewhere to rest them thanks to friends. My smile may be hidden by sorrow but I know I smile broader because I have known true love. Every time I see the ring on my left hand I will be back on Waikiki beach in a thunder storm.
These physical proofs of life on this aina make me feel like I can take another step closer to that Hawaiian Airlines gate. That gate where I know a plane will be waiting, my name assigned to a seat, non-stop service to Portland, Oregon. I know that on the other side of that gate will be my dad and my brother, waiting with a jacket and smiles to grab my bags, listen to my stories and carry me off to a week of peace. Those same people will see me to Los Angeles, where there will be my mom, my friends, my family and my cousins inviting me with open arms back to my childhood home. Pretty soon I will extend the same warmth, the same aloha to Tyler as we start our new life and our new adventure on the golden beaches of southern California. We can be ambassadors of aloha, like we were shown last night by our friends gathered around that beautiful Hawaiian sunset. This isn't goodbye, this is only a temporary parting.
The lei I gave Tyler on his first day arriving at the airport is hanging in the gym, awaiting the return of its owner. The leis we were given last night will one day hang in our own gym, awaiting the return of their owners. The spirit of aloha will be alive in all of us as we journey through this life. As a welcoming gesture to all who step foot inside our homes, our workplaces, our private and personal lives, aloha will live on. CrossFit Aloha anyone?
I can walk away. Only because I can take it with me.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Lessons learned
I don't know who I am writing to, or where my audience is, nay...WHO my audience is...but I'm pretty sure I'm doing this for myself. It is my way of redirecting these screaming thoughts onto something tangible. As volatile as my life was this week, I know that this is the rough water to get to the smooth passage and I don't want to miss even a moment of this part of my life. Because from great turmoil comes lessons that every life needs to learn. And I don't want to lose out on those lessons. No matter how painful this moment is, was or may be, I can still grow and learn. Why pass up an opportunity to learn and become wiser?
From this situation I have learned many things...things that maybe won't make sense to me until days, weeks, months, years later. But of this time there are few things that hold prominent in my head:
I have found the true meaning of home. Last night, sitting on a beach with my dear friend Claudette, Tyler and I, I had a moment of profound happiness. In those quickly fleeting moments on a beautiful twilight-filled Kalama beach, I sat hand in hand facing Tyler on a blanket in the sand. We closed our eyes, touched our foreheads and encircled each other in emerald green light. I was supposed to be focusing on the future, but my present was too pronounced for me to ignore. Though my head was clear, my heart was speaking and I just let it jabber as much as it needed. It told me that everything is ok, that I can let go, that this time in my life can be looked back upon with only happiness and pleasant memories. That what I thought was home, was only a lesson and that my true home was more than a physical place. Suddenly I grinned from ear to ear, wider than I had all week and the sound of the waves, the brushing of the wind against my face, the voice of Claudette, all faded away. There was nothing more that I needed, nothing more that mattered than my home. More than body, and the metaphysical, in a way that I can't describe (because I'm half convinced the words don't exist in the English language) I knew that home was in front of my eyes. Not the sand, not the surf, not even the stars, but the soul that resided in the body in front of me. Behind closed lids I could see more clearly than if my eyes were to be open. I knew at that moment that I could be anywhere, go anywhere and be at home. The stars will be the same, it is always the same ocean...and this soul I have known for many lives has known mine. There is more to the meaning "home is wherever your heart is" than I ever knew. I wander this Earth looking for home and little did I know that it was here in the form of another soul. I never question or judge when this soul is around and all the reasons I have been searching for have been found. Dear heart, please rest, we are home.
I have learned that losing control of certain parts of my life really effect me. Who knew I was such a control freak? Ok, fine, more than most. But this is a lesson in letting life and karma/circumstance/rolling with the punches take control. I can not control every aspect. I can project a positive or negative energy but I need to learn to be like water around a stone. I also learned that certain things are taken so easily for granted; falling asleep in your own bed, making your own schedule of when to wake up, eat, etc...living life on my own time and my own money and schedule apparently meant more to me than I thought. But the thing that I dislike the most about losing control is not being able to fall asleep next to Tyler. Knowing that he is there but on the opposite side of a couch is terrible. I wish that upon no one. I can't wait for the day we can fall asleep on our time, in our own bed, wake up to our own pace, eat with our own food, shower with our own water and live on our own money. Don't take this for granted!
I have learned that letting go of things can be hard...the lifestyle, the island, the warm water, the surf, the people. Saying goodbye to friends and family is never easy. Letting go of the Ko'olau Mountains, Baby Maks, Manoa valley, Waikiki beach and Maunalua Bay. I have to let you go. I have no unhealthy thoughts about you, I love you, therefore I have to let you go. Rain drops that give way to sunny skies and rainbows over jungled driveways and the salty warm air of the cliffs, I have to let you go. To the tropical waters and the coral reefs of Maui I have to let you go. To the volcano on Big Island, the waterfalls of Kaua'i I have to let you go. It is not my time, it is someone else's. Inspire them, teach them to love you the way that I did. And have. But because there is nothing but love, I can let you go. I can stand back and live through those that are stepping wide-eyed off a plane onto your sun-drenched shores. I can hope that they live the same that I did...truly. I hope they learn the meaning of hard work and be inspired by the beauty that is all around them. I hope they learn that family is important and so are these islands. I hope they can grow and watch over the 'aina. I hope they learn the meaning of aloha and feel the moist air coming across the ocean, from Diamond Head's cliffs and over to Sandy's. I hope they can sit in the clear water in Waimea and dive deep, be still, and listen to the whales make their annual journey to your water. I really hope they love you as much as I have. And when their time comes to let you go, I hope it is easier than when I have had to, and that they feel as much love in leaving you as I do. Hawai'i nei, you will always be with me, but until we meet again...aloha a hui hou.
There. I've done it. I've let go. I can leave peacefully and only hold happiness in my heart this time as we part ways. Your energy will draw me back to you always, as will many others. But this time my beautiful islands, I can go with a happy heart. Despite the pain, I know these are lessons I needed to learn. Mother California, you have waited so patiently for my return. You have been there all along with open arms, smiling and inviting me back. I'm coming and I'm taking my home with me.
California, once again, here I come...always...right back where I started from.
From this situation I have learned many things...things that maybe won't make sense to me until days, weeks, months, years later. But of this time there are few things that hold prominent in my head:
I have found the true meaning of home. Last night, sitting on a beach with my dear friend Claudette, Tyler and I, I had a moment of profound happiness. In those quickly fleeting moments on a beautiful twilight-filled Kalama beach, I sat hand in hand facing Tyler on a blanket in the sand. We closed our eyes, touched our foreheads and encircled each other in emerald green light. I was supposed to be focusing on the future, but my present was too pronounced for me to ignore. Though my head was clear, my heart was speaking and I just let it jabber as much as it needed. It told me that everything is ok, that I can let go, that this time in my life can be looked back upon with only happiness and pleasant memories. That what I thought was home, was only a lesson and that my true home was more than a physical place. Suddenly I grinned from ear to ear, wider than I had all week and the sound of the waves, the brushing of the wind against my face, the voice of Claudette, all faded away. There was nothing more that I needed, nothing more that mattered than my home. More than body, and the metaphysical, in a way that I can't describe (because I'm half convinced the words don't exist in the English language) I knew that home was in front of my eyes. Not the sand, not the surf, not even the stars, but the soul that resided in the body in front of me. Behind closed lids I could see more clearly than if my eyes were to be open. I knew at that moment that I could be anywhere, go anywhere and be at home. The stars will be the same, it is always the same ocean...and this soul I have known for many lives has known mine. There is more to the meaning "home is wherever your heart is" than I ever knew. I wander this Earth looking for home and little did I know that it was here in the form of another soul. I never question or judge when this soul is around and all the reasons I have been searching for have been found. Dear heart, please rest, we are home.
I have learned that losing control of certain parts of my life really effect me. Who knew I was such a control freak? Ok, fine, more than most. But this is a lesson in letting life and karma/circumstance/rolling with the punches take control. I can not control every aspect. I can project a positive or negative energy but I need to learn to be like water around a stone. I also learned that certain things are taken so easily for granted; falling asleep in your own bed, making your own schedule of when to wake up, eat, etc...living life on my own time and my own money and schedule apparently meant more to me than I thought. But the thing that I dislike the most about losing control is not being able to fall asleep next to Tyler. Knowing that he is there but on the opposite side of a couch is terrible. I wish that upon no one. I can't wait for the day we can fall asleep on our time, in our own bed, wake up to our own pace, eat with our own food, shower with our own water and live on our own money. Don't take this for granted!
I have learned that letting go of things can be hard...the lifestyle, the island, the warm water, the surf, the people. Saying goodbye to friends and family is never easy. Letting go of the Ko'olau Mountains, Baby Maks, Manoa valley, Waikiki beach and Maunalua Bay. I have to let you go. I have no unhealthy thoughts about you, I love you, therefore I have to let you go. Rain drops that give way to sunny skies and rainbows over jungled driveways and the salty warm air of the cliffs, I have to let you go. To the tropical waters and the coral reefs of Maui I have to let you go. To the volcano on Big Island, the waterfalls of Kaua'i I have to let you go. It is not my time, it is someone else's. Inspire them, teach them to love you the way that I did. And have. But because there is nothing but love, I can let you go. I can stand back and live through those that are stepping wide-eyed off a plane onto your sun-drenched shores. I can hope that they live the same that I did...truly. I hope they learn the meaning of hard work and be inspired by the beauty that is all around them. I hope they learn that family is important and so are these islands. I hope they can grow and watch over the 'aina. I hope they learn the meaning of aloha and feel the moist air coming across the ocean, from Diamond Head's cliffs and over to Sandy's. I hope they can sit in the clear water in Waimea and dive deep, be still, and listen to the whales make their annual journey to your water. I really hope they love you as much as I have. And when their time comes to let you go, I hope it is easier than when I have had to, and that they feel as much love in leaving you as I do. Hawai'i nei, you will always be with me, but until we meet again...aloha a hui hou.
There. I've done it. I've let go. I can leave peacefully and only hold happiness in my heart this time as we part ways. Your energy will draw me back to you always, as will many others. But this time my beautiful islands, I can go with a happy heart. Despite the pain, I know these are lessons I needed to learn. Mother California, you have waited so patiently for my return. You have been there all along with open arms, smiling and inviting me back. I'm coming and I'm taking my home with me.
California, once again, here I come...always...right back where I started from.
Friday, September 23, 2011
I love you, therefore I am
I love you.
Not only would I die for you, take a bullet for you and all other cliche terms, but I will clean your dirty underwear off the floor and wash your dishes. I will promise to feed you, clothe you and rub your head when you are sick. I love you in a way that I can't describe without beginning to feel emotional. I promise to always inspire your dreams and encourage your ambitions. I love you therefore I will listen to your hours of video games and even buy you more to encourage it. I love you so I will do your laundry, clean your dishes and scrub your toilet. Yes I said it, I'll make you a sandwich.
I know you enjoy listening to your music loud and you will eat all the tortilla chips in the bag in one sitting. I know your allergies (or what you used to be allergic to) and therefore can't buy pistachios for myself anymore. Shirt sizes are particular to you and one day you hope to grow a full beard for playoff season. I know that you feel better in the ocean than you do doing anything else and that you are an incredibly talented musician. I like to imagine I amuse you with my ridiculous dancing and freaking out over animals, because it always makes you laugh. And that laugh is something I would pay money to be able to listen to everyday. I love you from your flat feet to your curly cow-lick and wouldn't change a thing about you. I know that you want to help people and you are wonderful at being approachable because you radiate charm and confidence. People are drawn to you like a moth to a flame. I know that you can cook a mean steak, although I'll never eat it, I believe you. You look so dashing in your uniform but I love you in your boardshorts and you make me swoon when you put on a button-up.
I love you so I have opened myself to situations that used to be frightening to me. I love you because you tell "I'm here and I will never let anything happen to you." I love you so I have taken into consideration circumstances that at one point I had sworn off altogether. You have never given me a reason to doubt you, only a reason to see that this is the right situation for us to be in right now at this moment in time.
I love you so I will never forget the snowy parking lot, the thin Coastie staring back at me. I will never forget the wind chimes in Santa Barbara and the ice cream on the pier. I will never forget the Silicon Valley Humane Society and that incredibly sick drive up to San Jose. I will never forget trying to figure out how to sleep comfortably on a twin bed. I'll never forget Honolulu airport and the exhilaration I felt at seeing your face. I love you and I will always hold dear Waikiki beach during a thunderstorm and the pink lightening that was lighting up the sky couldn't do justice to the explosions of love I was feeling inside my heart. I'll never forget watching you come alive as you teach a class and the power you posses. I will never forget how you held my hand and told me everything will be ok, stood me up and walked me to the car when all I wanted to do was lay down and cry. I will never forget the epiphany of knowing that home for me doesn't have to be a physical foundation, but one person and the relationships that we carry for each other. That home and love stretch across time, space and distance and that the web of passion you can feel flexes and retracts in a perfectly orchestrated dance that leaves neither of us feeling alone no matter where in the world one is in relevance to the other.
I love you in ways that I never thought were possible for a human to feel towards another. I love you so I will sacrifice parts of myself to let you shine. I love you so I will sit back and watch you sparkle in the best way you can. I love you so I will do my best to be my best and make the best of not the best. For all the ways that you have held me calm and straight, I will one day be able to do for you. I love you so I will be the mirror that reflects your light, because I know one day you will hold the mirror for me. I love your encouragement, your laughter, your pride and your optimism. I love you and I will return all the love that you have shown me tenfold. I love you and I will try to give you everything that I can manage to give. I'll plant seeds in your heart and water them until they turn into giant trees. I'll stay anywhere in the world as long as it sparks a fire in your soul that feels "meant to be". In the end, I'll reach to you from where time just can't go.
I love you so I will take your name and wear it proud. I love you so I will give you all of myself and absorb all of what you can give me. I love you more than walls and windows and more than here or there. I loved you once, I love you now and I will love you again. I love you more than this place, than this time, than this situation. Yet in this place, I've learned to love you more than I have ever known, in this time I know I love you more than ever have and in this situation you have shown me that you love me more than I have ever imagined. In the next place I will love you more than I do now, in the next time I will know that I love you more than I did yesterday and in the next situation you will show me that you love again.
I love you, therefore I am.
Not only would I die for you, take a bullet for you and all other cliche terms, but I will clean your dirty underwear off the floor and wash your dishes. I will promise to feed you, clothe you and rub your head when you are sick. I love you in a way that I can't describe without beginning to feel emotional. I promise to always inspire your dreams and encourage your ambitions. I love you therefore I will listen to your hours of video games and even buy you more to encourage it. I love you so I will do your laundry, clean your dishes and scrub your toilet. Yes I said it, I'll make you a sandwich.
I know you enjoy listening to your music loud and you will eat all the tortilla chips in the bag in one sitting. I know your allergies (or what you used to be allergic to) and therefore can't buy pistachios for myself anymore. Shirt sizes are particular to you and one day you hope to grow a full beard for playoff season. I know that you feel better in the ocean than you do doing anything else and that you are an incredibly talented musician. I like to imagine I amuse you with my ridiculous dancing and freaking out over animals, because it always makes you laugh. And that laugh is something I would pay money to be able to listen to everyday. I love you from your flat feet to your curly cow-lick and wouldn't change a thing about you. I know that you want to help people and you are wonderful at being approachable because you radiate charm and confidence. People are drawn to you like a moth to a flame. I know that you can cook a mean steak, although I'll never eat it, I believe you. You look so dashing in your uniform but I love you in your boardshorts and you make me swoon when you put on a button-up.
I love you so I have opened myself to situations that used to be frightening to me. I love you because you tell "I'm here and I will never let anything happen to you." I love you so I have taken into consideration circumstances that at one point I had sworn off altogether. You have never given me a reason to doubt you, only a reason to see that this is the right situation for us to be in right now at this moment in time.
I love you so I will never forget the snowy parking lot, the thin Coastie staring back at me. I will never forget the wind chimes in Santa Barbara and the ice cream on the pier. I will never forget the Silicon Valley Humane Society and that incredibly sick drive up to San Jose. I will never forget trying to figure out how to sleep comfortably on a twin bed. I'll never forget Honolulu airport and the exhilaration I felt at seeing your face. I love you and I will always hold dear Waikiki beach during a thunderstorm and the pink lightening that was lighting up the sky couldn't do justice to the explosions of love I was feeling inside my heart. I'll never forget watching you come alive as you teach a class and the power you posses. I will never forget how you held my hand and told me everything will be ok, stood me up and walked me to the car when all I wanted to do was lay down and cry. I will never forget the epiphany of knowing that home for me doesn't have to be a physical foundation, but one person and the relationships that we carry for each other. That home and love stretch across time, space and distance and that the web of passion you can feel flexes and retracts in a perfectly orchestrated dance that leaves neither of us feeling alone no matter where in the world one is in relevance to the other.
I love you in ways that I never thought were possible for a human to feel towards another. I love you so I will sacrifice parts of myself to let you shine. I love you so I will sit back and watch you sparkle in the best way you can. I love you so I will do my best to be my best and make the best of not the best. For all the ways that you have held me calm and straight, I will one day be able to do for you. I love you so I will be the mirror that reflects your light, because I know one day you will hold the mirror for me. I love your encouragement, your laughter, your pride and your optimism. I love you and I will return all the love that you have shown me tenfold. I love you and I will try to give you everything that I can manage to give. I'll plant seeds in your heart and water them until they turn into giant trees. I'll stay anywhere in the world as long as it sparks a fire in your soul that feels "meant to be". In the end, I'll reach to you from where time just can't go.
I love you so I will take your name and wear it proud. I love you so I will give you all of myself and absorb all of what you can give me. I love you more than walls and windows and more than here or there. I loved you once, I love you now and I will love you again. I love you more than this place, than this time, than this situation. Yet in this place, I've learned to love you more than I have ever known, in this time I know I love you more than ever have and in this situation you have shown me that you love me more than I have ever imagined. In the next place I will love you more than I do now, in the next time I will know that I love you more than I did yesterday and in the next situation you will show me that you love again.
I love you, therefore I am.
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