Growing up

We are all growing up.

And sometimes it's easier to grow up when you have a forecast of a good outcome. But when you're left unknowing, it can make moving forward really hard.

I'm a deep pool of stress and emotion right now. I mixture of excitement, resentment, cheer, foreboding, heartbreak and joy. I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know what I'm going to do, and I'm terrified. I have dreams, but I really don't want to let my dreams be dreams. I'm trying not to. The hardest part of my transition into a new chapter is leaving Hawaii. A part of me is drawing out the process probably longer than necessary. Another part of me wants to rip it off like a bandaid. Just get it over with...but I'd rather take the heartbreak when I get on that plane knowing I'm leaving behind beautiful friends and memories, than to be in the air thinking I had made nothing of my time here.

If I even so much as see an airplane I look away. They're going to have to drag me onto that transportation device by my feet, my nails clawing into the carpet and throwing a tantrum. Sometimes I daydream about silently crying my way onto the airplane, my heart breaking into a million pieces in my chest...buckling myself in the seat, watching the clouds and the ocean roll by the window, and as they go to shut the cabin door, I stand up and scream and run to stewardess, shove her out of the way and burst into the tropical sunshine and run...and don't stop running until I hit Waimea, than sink into that deep clear water and listen to the whales. I won't. But, I can imagine.

If all goes well though (which it will, I know it...I feel it) this will be an opportunity to do something that I have always dreamed of doing. I can start with a foot on the right path and go work towards something that I have wanted to do for years. I can work in a marine related field, get up to the Bay Area and volunteer at the Marine Mammal Center. I'll make new friends, I'll have new experiences. Maybe the Bay Area will be my next Hawaii. It will all work out in the end.

But in the mean time, I have a tube of waterproof mascara and a shoulders of friends to cry on.

...Bree