Caught someone in the middle of the strangest love triangle...

So mine is a tale of love. A tale of a heart torn, of a mind distressed, of emotions pulled from three corners of the world.

Today I heard a Spanish guitar and my heart ached. A few nights ago I had a dream I was driving down the 405 freeway. I never thought I'd admit it, but I miss LA. I miss the food, the people, the places. I miss the ridiculously hot summers, the drive to my grandparent's cabin in the mountains. I miss having to put on a wetsuit to surf, I miss the smell of neoprene and wax. I miss the point breaks, the kelp, the SCUBA diving. I miss pulling up to Landing Cove on Anacapa island. I miss the food, oh GOD do I miss the food. I miss my family, my home, my friends, my cat, my fish. I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to move back to Los Angeles, but a part of me right now really wants to go back. It was so hard to leave this past time I went home. Every time I go back it get's a little bit harder to go. It's not like I'm going somewhere awful...I live in Hawaii...but I don't know. Maybe it's the freedom of knowing I can get in the car and just GO if I want to. Drive to Monterey along the Pacific Coast Highway at the spur of the moment...camp in my car with my friends for days, living off cold Boca burgers and laughing until we cry in inappropriate places like fancy restaurants, getting rained into our car at 4 in the afternoon in the middle of some forest in Big Sur, driving all the way from Monterey to Camarillo in one day because we didn't want to sleep on the seats again. Ugh, I miss those times, I miss those people.

But...do I leave?

My home now. Beautiful Honolulu. This city, these people, have embraced me with open arms. I have grown so much since I've been here. If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere. This was the first place I moved to on my own, somewhere where I can't drive home, I can't just give up here and call my parents to tell them to come get me. I made it in HAWAII. I paid a ridiculous rent, I paid too much for food, too much for gas. I've done everything the tourists do. People save up for YEARS to get here, and I get to live it everyday. I don't take it for granted, the things and places and experiences I've had here I would probably have never had anywhere else. I moved here to go to a University, I've surfed Waikiki, I've dove the blue waters of Oahu, I've worked with DOLPHINS on Big Island. I've seen a volcano, I've seen the full moon reflect off the telescopes and snow of Mauna Kea. I've seen jungles and waterfalls and sharks and storms and the biggest waves to hit Oahu in years. I've made friends here I don't know if I could ever leave. The people here are beautiful and inviting. I recommend it to anyone who wants to move to Hawaii to just DO IT. I don't know how I could ever say goodbye...

But there's so much I want to do.

I want to go to San Fransisco. I want to live in the fog, I want to wear a scarf. I want to hear the fog horns and see the Golden Gate bridge. I want to see my friends that are living there. I want to volunteer at the Marine Mammal Center in Sausalito. I think that is the next step for me. Finish my Vet Assistant license and go to the City by the Bay. I want to get the experience of doing something that's so much more than me, the experience of knowing that my time is being spent doing something that is going to make an impact of another life. I want to be apart of the rehabilitation of marine mammals. I want the whole thing...the rescue, the rehabilitation, the release. I've worked with abalone, inverts, sharks and rays, kelp forest monitoring, maintaining aquariums and aquaculture systems... I got to train dolphins for Pete's sake...but I want to do this so bad. I can do it. I know a lot of people who have told me to do it. Friends of mine have benefited so much from that center. I think that's where my life is puling me right now. I need to get up there. There's a lot up there too, there's Mote Marine Lab, Moss Landing, Monterey Bay Aquarium, Pier 39, Marine World...ugh. I have friends there already. The contract to volunteer is only 6 months, I can get a short term lease, work in a vet's office, volunteer my time...see where life takes me.

This has been such a hard decision for me. There is so much I want to do. I want to be in three places at once. I'm in love with every one of these cities. Two I've known intimately, one is a promise of a love affair. Los Angeles will always have a place in my heart, I grew up there, my family is there...it may always be my home. Honolulu will always be my first, my first getaway, my first "real life" experience...if there IS such a thing as the REAL LIFE... San Fransisco may be my next home...? I don't know, I can't tell you, but I'll let you know when I get there.

I am a hopeless dreamer with the wanderlust syndrome. If I don't act upon these desires I feel hopeless. I have to have something to strive for. If I can incorporate travel, working with marine life and experiencing different places, people, cultures and views on life..*sigh* Why not?

Try to stop me.

Bree...