Dede

Tomorrow is Father's Day.

I'm living far away from my family, all the way across the ocean and not being able to spend important days like Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays, etc with my family is something that I have become used to. Well, not used to, but you have to learn to live with it. Because if you sit around and think about how sad it is to be so far away from all the people you love than you can become increasingly down. So, you send all your love and energy over the seas and hope that they find their way into the hearts of your dearest.

And living far away from you family and friends on an island, figuring out how to balance your life paycheck to paycheck, also means that sending gifts or even taking moms and dads out to dinner is near impossible. So...I figured, Dede...I am going to do the next best thing that I can. I'm going to write about you.

I know some people think that they have a connection with their dads...and I hope that you do. But no one I think has quite the same connection as me and my daddy. Ever since I was little, I've been a daddy's girl. My dad taught me everything I know. My dad is an incredibly spiritual person and I've always felt a connection with that. I remember being little and looking through books of my dads of gurus and life and the universe and light. My dad patiently answered all my questions about the mysteries of life. He let me stare wide-eyed at the pages and pictures of gurus and Hindu gods and let me sit with him and pretend to meditate. From a tiny girl up until today I can call my dad and talk to him about energies and life and know that he will understand me completely.

My dad is the biggest supporter of whatever it is I wanted to do. I have a gypsy mindset...which I half blame his DNA for...where I can't seem to sit still. This could also be the ADD (which I also blame his DNA for), but regardless my wanderlust and excitement to jump on bandwagons I can only imagine would have been frustrating for a parent. "I want to horseback ride! I want to do taekwondo! I want to do soccer! I want to surf! I want to go to get a GED! I want to go to college! I want to go to college in Hawaii! Move back to a different island, go back to California, back to Hawaii! Change jobs!" And through all of my explosive and non-thinking actions, guess who has always been there cheering me on? My dad. He patiently would listen to me declare that "This is it! This is what I want to do!" and than calmly try to talk the pro's and con's into me. Regardless of my decision, my dad was at every soccer game, every practice, every crying phone call when reality in Honolulu set in. My dad has picked me up from the airport, funded my trans-Pacific flights and the entire time encouraged me to do the best and be the best at everything I do. And I have really strived to be the best person I can be simply because I have a dad that believes in me.

I am more like my dad than I even realize at times. We both have a love for the ocean and creatures. We have incredibly similar spiritual beliefs. Whenever I feel like the sky is falling, I know that my dad knows exactly what I'm going through. My dad has not only raised (and fully supported) a gypsy-minded daughter, but also raised two amazing sons. Between all of my soccer and horseback riding excursions my dad was at every (and even coaching!) one of my brother's football games and all of Jonathan's track meets. He is the biggest Coast Guard supporter and honestly one of the greatest Gay Right's supporters out there.

I remember being little and having my dad go on location to San Francisco. He wrote me a letter and drew the Bay Bridge on it. I remember being so upset that he was gone for so long I held onto that letter in my night stand and read it every night. I still have that letter! My dad goes on locations all over the world, Mexico, Tennessee, Louisiana, Prague, Portland. I know how it feels to be far away from your family but I can't imagine doing it all alone. My dad is an incredibly strong man.

Now that I am planning a wedding and thinking about my life and my future, I'm starting to realize that a lot of traits and characteristics in my future husband remind me of my dad. Tyler opens doors for me, my dad has always opened doors for me. Tyler walks around to get my car door, so does my dad. Tyler lets me walk through doors first, so does my dad. There are a lot of things I suppose my subconscious mind picked up on in Tyler that reminded me of my dad. Those characteristics and traits are what I associate a REAL man with...because my dad is the best man I know. I guess I hope that maybe one day IF and my I emphasize the IF part...we have children...Tyler will be as good of a dad to our kids as mine was to me.

In planning a wedding and thinking of a father/daughter dance and my dad walking me down the aisle, it kind of makes me get a bit choked up. This is my dad. He's taught me everything I know. I am so proud to have a connection with him. My dad is one of my best friends. I hope I've made you proud...despite actually not sending you a gift (love you...).

I have the BEST dad in the whole world. Happy Father's Day dede :)

Finding a little motivation

Finding some motivation has been hard lately. Over the past few weeks sitting at a desk putting the ins and outs of a 8-4:30 shift has been wearing on me. Looking outside at the beautiful Oahu day and feeling stuck in a cubicle can be draining. I'd come home to a house I was too tired to deal with and take out any frustration on poor Tyler. I was moody, irritable and couldn't find the inspiration to get my butt up and doing something. When all I really wanted to do was SOMETHING.

After some convincing from Tyler and grumpy motivation from myself, I finally attended my first CrossFit class. I was super nervous going into it. The ladies outside pretty much told me to be prepared to die and feel in pain but that it would be worth it in the end. That didn't make me feel too much better. I was expecting a gym of meat-heads and big buff ladies and to have me be this little out of shape girl trying to lift something and looking like a fool. But it was actually totally opposite.

Every walk of life was there. Tyler and another guy (besides the owners and coaches) were the only guys that were really in shape. I'm not even going to pretend to lift and squat as much as Tyler...or attempt the pull ups he was doing... but there was big, tall, small, fat, skinny, in shape, out of shape, every walk of life. It was a fairly small class for a Saturday morning and the atmosphere was really nice, everyone was encouraging and positive. I guess it was a good day to start because it was core day and we switched from squats to various ab workouts. After the warm-up the session only took me 12:58 minutes to complete. I was the last of most people to be done but less than 13 minutes and I was done! I felt energized, motivated and inspired.

Two days later I'm still sore. I can't really do a situp and God forbid I gotta take a pee where I have to fall back onto the toilet (still too much of a squatting position that I have to get into to do that...). But it feels GOOD. I feel like this is something different. Every workout will be different. It's short and sweet and to the point. I can get in, get out, get a better body and get on with my life. After doing some homework on CrossFit I'm SO ready to look like all of these people and these success stories. I refuse to be a statistic. On more than one level. But in terms of the "fat America" and the "I have no time to workout" and the "I eat fast food because its easily available" statistics, no thank you. I want to look like the people in the success stories. Tyler and I don't eat too bad as it is, but we decided to cut alcohol out of our diets completely. Hardly any sugar, lean meat (for Tyler. Just the protein in tofu for me), watch the melted cheese and carbs and drink no soda, limit juice and increase water. Eat more sprouted grains, local grown, organic when can and fresh fruit and veggies. On top of Tyler working at Whole Foods already, luckily, we are limiting the amount of times we can eat out and cooking more at home. I'm also stopping eating when I'm full. Not being glutenous and eating whatever is left on my plate.

And in terms of getting healthy and not being a statistic, it shouldn't be that hard to get to. I want to do a pull up and a squat with 45 pounds (which was the min we were supposed to do on Saturday but I did 20). I want to sit down in a bikini and not have to worry about sucking it in. I want to dance and jump and have nothing jiggle. I want a lean, flat stomach and toned legs. I want a butt! I want strong arms and back and no shake comin with them fries. I want to look good in my wedding dress!!

I'm going to buy workout clothes and I'm going to try to go a min of 3 times a week. 4 or 5 if time allows (or I can walk). But I strongly encourage everyone to just TRY. It's so completely different than anything I've ever done before. It hurts but it's so great. So worth it!! So...day 1 down. I don't know measurements but I do know weight. I weigh 128 pounds right now. Heaviest I've been my whole life. I'm ok losing weight, ideal would be about 115. But I would love to gain muscle and definition, that is ideal.

CrossFit! Namaste :)

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

I will prevail. I will be happy. I will prosper. I will be successful. I will find the beauty in everyday. I will be healthy. I will marry this man. I will be wealthy. I will do my best. I will be everything I have ever wanted to be. I will conquer. I will reach my goals. I will make this world a better place. I will accomplish all that I set my mind to. I am here. I am not going anywhere. I am a force to be reckoned with. I will live. I will love. I will be the best Brianna I can be.

Just a warning.

Sincerely with aloha,

Brianna

I believe

A LOT has been going on in my life. I keep writing notes on pieces of paper at work to add to my blog. But, here is one of them, considering things that have been happening in my life...

*ahem*

I Believe

...in a few things deeply. Things that I feel are rooted into the very fiber of my being and things I can not change no matter how hard I try. These things may be a product of my up bringing or environment, or simply things I have experienced hands on that have shaped who I am. Regardless, they are my beliefs. If you feel differently, I greatly respect that. your opinion is as much of who you are as mine are to me, so try to understand where I come from.

I believe fully in animal rights. Inhumane and unnecessary suffering of any living creature is wrong. I can not relate to anyone who feels differently. Regardless of species, the dog you have as a pet has the same emotions, fear, excitement, understanding and blood as the cow you eat for dinner. There is NO excuse that we, as functioning humans who understand that every creature experiences pain on a certain level, we should inflict that upon any creature. IT IS possible, it IS healthy to eat an entirely vegetarian or mostly vegetarian diet. To me, the sacrifice of a life is not worth the taste in my mouth.

I believe lesbian, gay, bi and transgender should be free to marry. I have been lucky enough in my life to have found and felt great love. Why deny that to anyone? The "institution of marriage" is based on the morals and values of the individuals involved. Look how many heterosexual couples have ruined that. On the same subject, I can not and refuse to even pretend to symphathize with any individual who bullies and/or protests at funerals, etc. How dare you? If the tables were turned and someone protested at yours, you would cry, bitch and moan. EVERYONE should be free to love. This is something I am incredibly passionate about. I am sad California appealed Prop 8. There are so many more important things in the world than marriage of a gay couple. Equal rights for all. Some guys marry guys, some girls kiss girls...GET OVER IT.

I believe our military should have higher pay. The reason people can protest at military funerals is because that son/daughter/father/mother/wife/brother/sister died for your rights. These people should never have to deal with budget cuts, etc. They are the ones with the biggest sacrifice. I have so much respect for our military, they should never worry about not being able to pay rent or obtaining insurance. Our corrupt government...

I believe everyone should understand how much of an impact they have on our environment. I am a marine conservation freak. Sorry, I wont get started on this particular subject, but turning a blind eye won't make a difference. Then bitching that there is a Texas-size trash heap when laws permit dumping? Come on.

I believe wages should be higher, taxes should be lower. All managers should spend a day in all departments and not in the luxury of their air conditioned offices. Pulling up four hours late in their BMW's and say how busy they are. F you and your four vacation homes. Telling me a raise isn't in your budget.

I am not liberal. But I am starting to assume I am not Republican. I think all politicians are equally wrong. I'm sorry I did not vote for Obama. I don't agree with the Libyan war. I don't think we sould give them media coverage. These people are destroying themselves when people in Japan are dying because of circumstances that are beyond their control. And shame on radical church groups who are saying this is punishment for sins.

I believe in God. I believe in meditation and energy forces. I have practiced yoga. I have attended church. I am a military supporter. My baby brother is gay. I am vegetarian. I HAVE eaten meat. I think marine conservation is important. I have trained captive dolphins. I am a scientist and a self-proclaimed environmentalist. I do believe all extremest groups can be wrong. I think if you can work, you should not ask for free hand-outs, but if you need it and have paid into the system, you should be provided unemployment. I can understanding wanting to better your life, but I think illegal immigration is wrong. My family did it the right way, so should you. I don't necessarily agree with our college system, but I did go and now I am paying it back. I see where taxes are good, but ridiculous raises in them are unnecessary.

There. I feel better. Judge me. This is me. I don't care. I am not overly either side in most issues but these. Take it or leave it.

Namaste.

The world has its way to quiet us down.

With all that has been happening in the past week I started to really count my blessings closer to home. Watching the wave of water destroy towns in Japan on the news was absolutely heart-wrenching. There is nothing that stirs human emotion more than watching helplessly as people flee for their lives and knowing there is little to nothing you can do.

As if by deja-vu, Tyler and I stayed glued to the tv all night, listening to the eerie scream of the tsunami sirens blaring in the distance. The tangible energy that you feel when your entire world (or at least as you know it) waits on baited breath to see if we will be swept away by a wave, is something that I can't describe. Everyone is quiet, everyone is nervous, the geckos stop chirping, the wing blows a little quieter, everything is in a suspended pause of anxiety. All eyes were turned toward the east, all ears were focused on Hawaii. Waiting to hear if the waves would devastate our shores.

We, on Oahu, dodged another bullet. Maui and Big Island didn't get as lucky, but compared to what happened to Japan we were incredibly blessed. Tyler and I got called into work the following morning, and all I could think of was the mass amount of displaced people that were still here in Honolulu and couldn't get home to Japan. My coworker was supposed to leave tomorrow for Tokyo to see her family, but canceled her trip. She cries whenever she talks about the quake and gets teary when she sees signs and shirts that say "Pray for Japan". A trainer at my job, Hiro, his sister was missing from her home in the tsunami hit area, but was found in critical condition in a hospital. The "Aloha for Japan" fund here is incredible, most have Japanese ancestory and almost everyone is in contact with Japanese people everyday. The aloha spilling out to help our Japanese friends and neighbors is beautiful.

So in a time like this, I can't complain about my job. I do, but it is definitely humbling to realize I am way better off than some. I have friends and family that are safe and healthy in California and all over the world. I wake up to a beautiful sunrise and fall asleep to a beautiful sunset every night. I come home to the most amazing man in the world, we get to live in a beautiful island paradise. I have enough money to buy food, I have a car to get around and I am blessed with good health. It's still hard to see the images and photographs coming out of the devastated area, knowing that you are so blessed over here in Hawaii and can't really do much...

So when you brag and boast, whine or complain...that's ok. We have a right to be proud of our accomplishments, we can feel disappointment when we strive to achieve our best and fall short. It is what makes us human to experience these kinds of emotions and pushes us to continue to become the best people we can be. But once our moments of selfish feelings are over, we need to take a minute to look at others in the world and their situations. Those that are better off can do what we can to help others. And we need take a step back and look at our lives and realize that we are very lucky, and we should be in awe of the lives we have been granted.

Namaste.

Coming to peace with a desk job

I never really knew what I was going to be "when I grow up". And all of a sudden, I'm grown up. I have people working under me, my name in training manuals appears under "coordinator" and "direct supervisor". No one ever prepared me or gave me the introductory course to the "real world". I'm not going to lie, it is strangely overwhelming, and yet, freeing.

My first day on the job i was handed a 5 inch thick training, shown my cubicle and said good luck. My manager left two weeks later. She was great, she showed me everything she could in the short period of time. Her final email put me as the "go to" for the department. Suddenly, I was being pounded with questions, phone-calls, emails, concerns, applications, ideas, planning...eek! Wait! Pump the breaks! What did I just get myself into?! I accepted a job as an Education Associate. I understood I would be taking on the volunteer coordinator position as well, but wow!

All of my previous experience in education was hands-on and interactions for people. I was always relaying scientific information to a non-scientific audience. All of a sudden, I was putting all of my knowledge into docents and volunteers and hoping they can take my knowledge out into the park. I give lectures, and when I can find the time, venture into the park for 1:1 education...but the majority of my duties are making schedules, phone calls, and reservations. Strange...

It is neat to be bale to take stuff that I am genuinely interested in and concerned about, study it, learn it and pass it on to others to venture out int the world and do the "dirty" work. Than I go back to my desk and start devouring new environmental impacts and knowledge to regurgitated onto my docents.

As much as I do enjoy this, there were (and sometimes are) concerns I had to find peace with. I love the ocean and I truly believe that the key to conservation is knowledge of the impacts we can have on our environments. I just assumed I would be putting that knowledge into people's heads by field work, on-site, hands-on experiences. But alas, no. Than I started my internship at Dolphin Quest and assumed maybe rehabilitation was the way to go. I had a bit of a morally rough time/infatuation with the idea of training marine mammals under human care. I, based on my opinions and experiences, have formatted conclusions in regards to marine mammals (and all animals) under human care. These opinions are neither yay or nay and are based on a case-by-case basis. I will keep this opinions to myself.


So where I have come to peace with y desk job? The fact that from a financial standpoint, I am lucky to have a steady, full-time, well-paid position. I make more than some friends, not as much as others. Quite honestly, not as much as I feel I should be making...but I get to make a real impact on people in education them on marine stewardship issues that mean a lot to me. I have the freedom to develop curriculum to enhance the State of Hawaii's future generation of marine conservationists. I live in Hawaii...if that isn't reason enough.

Coming from someone who has done almost EVERYTHING in the marine science world..I really do enjoy education. I have done research, training, lab work, field work, school work, outreach, education, husbandry, you know it. But if I can inspire ONE person to pursue a career in marine stewardship like one person once did in me, than I have made a difference. I will be investing, in my own way, in the future of our oceans. I can help ensure a healthy and thriving ecosystem for future generations. In my own way, I AM making a difference.

This is my passion. The ocean. All of the seas. All of the inhabitants and chemical properties that it comprises. I love the biological, geological, paleological, chemical, dynamical fluid combination working as one entity to sustain all of life. If I am full-filling a purpose in my life, the ocean will always have a connection. Spiritually, emotionally, physically. No matter how direct or round-about.

Go dive. Go swim. Clean your beach. Think sustainably. Everything we do effects the ocean. WE can make a difference, one person, one action, one inspiration at a time.

"How wrong it is to call this planet Earth, when so clearly it is OCEAN".


Namaste.

One full year later

So much can change in a year.

March 5, 2010 I was in Cape May, New Jersey waiting to see my brother graduate from bootcamp. I remember being nervous and not really knowing why. I felt anxious, I hadn't slept in days. I had flown from Oahu to Los Angeles, spent the night in LA and boarded an early flight to Philadelphia the morning of the 5th. We drove from Philly to New Jersey and spent the night in Cape May. I was jet-lagged, cold and feeling a little out of place. But something felt RIGHT.

I was in the middle of a horrible and volatile breakup, stuck somewhere where I couldn't see the beauty of my life in front of me. I was still living in Waikiki but dreaming about coming home because I couldn't stand my living situation. I had been writing religiously to my brother in Cape May because I felt it was a way to escape from my reality. A way to encourage someone who was following their dreams. I would tell him about funny things that were happening, things that were bothering me. He didn't have enough time to write me back, but I didn't mind. It was like my problems were going out to the universe, being read by someone, and were no longer my burden to bear. Being in Cape May to watch my brother accomplish his dreams meant SO much for me.

As the Coasties started to march in, I remember the crowd screaming and cheering. I saw my mom and Paige start to cry. One graduate, one graduate, one graduate, MICHAEL! There he was, proud and tall and walking like a man. I was so happy! Everyone looked the same, there were blurs of faces and muffled sobs and cheers. Than there was this boy. I watched him walk by and sat down quietly. Who knew that my life was about to change.

I was introduced to him in the parking lot of the hotel we were staying in. I shoved my way out of the rental car like a creep and made up an excuse of changing my shoes to talk to him. He was so handsome (looked like he needed a sandwich) but I was infatuated. In the five minutes I stalled putting on a different pair of shoes I learned he was stationed in San Francisco and was a reservist. When I walked away, I walked away grinning from ear to ear. This totally random stranger in the most random parking lot in the most random town in New Jersey, left me feeling like my life wasn't as bad as I thought it was at the time.

We talked on facebook while he was in Virginia and he visited me when I moved back to California. He spent days with my family and was introduced to them all as a trial-by-fire brunch (literally the WHOLE family...extended and all!) and passed the "Disneyland test". He was deployed to Alabama and once again our relationship was spent more in different time zones than face to face. I was so in love with this boy I was completely ok with doing a long distance relationship. Luckily for us, that didn't end up happening. I got a job in San Francisco and moved in in October.

When you know, you know. We lived together up through January, than I accepted a job in Honolulu. I moved to Oahu January 24 and spent another three grueling weeks away from the love of my life. When I picked him up in the airport in Honolulu, I was so nervous I was shaking and peed at LEAST five times...like a nervous Chihuahua. But there he was, more handsome than ever and I knew again, that I was the luckiest girl in the world.

I've come back to a place that I left on bad terms, ready to start over again. I am very successful now on Oahu and enjoying it more than I did the two previous years I was here. I feel like THIS is where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. THIS is the person I am supposed to be with. You live and you learn and we all go through rough seas to get to the calm water. I have unfinished karma here on this island, there is a reason I am here. And there is a reason that he is here with me.

One full year ago I would not believe anyone that would tell me that I would be this happy right now. But one full year later, I am blissfully happy and I wish this happiness upon everyone in the world. Tyler Scurti, I love you. You mean everything to me and I am so happy that I climbed my way out of that car in Jersey.

Life is beautiful and it's crazy and everything happens for a reason. You just have to open yourself up to the signs.

:)