Then it hit me

I wasn't really that excited about moving back until yesterday. I guess it's wrong for me to say that I wasn't excited, I was. It just hadn't hit me yet. I had everything packed in San Jose, cried saying goodbye to Tyler and his mom, drove the 5 long hours with the comfort of the cat on my lap and got in to LA Tuesday night. I spent the following days unpacking, repacking, unpacking and repacking again. Once everything FINALLY fit into 2 bags (which still had to be shuffled around at the airport), I still didn't feel like I was moving. There were all my bags, everything in my life AGAIN stowed away into TSA regulation sized suitcases, and it hadn't hit me yet.

I continued the goodbyes throughout Thursday and Friday and kept reassuring my cat that he would be loved and missed but well taken care of by my parents. Friday afternoon I was sitting in LAX in a very crowded Gate 22. I called Tyler and looked up at the screen. Hawaiian Airlines Flight HA9 non-stop service to Honolulu. I got choked up. I was alone. I was moving. I was going. Again. That's when it hit me.

I felt better on the airplane, I sat next to a woman from Orlando who was almost 70 and flew every year to see her grandkids in Ewa Beach. We chatted and made the flight go by much quicker by joking about the geckos in the HawaiianSkies magazine. When I saw the lights of Honolulu brighten up the plane as we made our final decent, I got nervous. Then, it hit me again. This was the first time I was completely on my own moving.

With the grace of good friends I've made it to Saturday night. It's 8:30 Hawaii time, but 10:30 Pacific time...and boy I didn't sleep much last night. I'm exhausted from moving. But I got everything worked out. I have my cute, but small, studio in Hawaii Kai...my old, but running well, truck from Teare...and I start my job on Monday morning. I bought groceries (forgot how expensive Hawaii is!) and plan on either hiking Koko Head tomorrow..WHICH I LIVE CLOSE TO!! :)...or surfing.

Now that I have a few minutes to myself, guess what, it hit me...I'm where people save up years to vacation...and I'm living here. I'm so blessed to have full-time work in a field that I am passionate about especially in an economy like we have today. I am grateful for a roof over my head, especially when it has a view of the mountains. I could not have done it at all without Tyler.

And he's all the way in San Jose. Not even getting to enjoy any of this. The apartment he paid rent for, the car he purchased...nothing.

And of course, it hits me, I miss him like crazy. I've done this before, lived far away from him. Our relationship has spent more time spanning miles across the globe than it has in the same time zone. Once again I'm more than 2000 miles away from him. I thought this may be easier this time around, but I know how it feels to miss him and this time it is really hard.

And despite all I have and all I can get and all I have done and can do and will do...I can't help feeling horribly alone. I'm surrounded by people and friends on a beautiful warm island with clear blue water and sunny skies and there is just one person I want here so badly that isn't.

Come on. Hit me with it...February 10th can't come fast enough.