It is a humbling feeling to know that everything you have can be taken away so quickly.
I'm not sure what happened, nor do I really feel like displaying again what exactly did happen. Just know that it was quick and it was painful. LIke when you pretend that ripping off a bandaid isn't painful...it hurts but it's fast. And you're left with the semi-healed wound and outline of a soggy bandaid on your skin to try to mend. I'm putting neosporin on it but it just isn't healing as fast as I had hoped.
Last week life was going the way I wanted it. We had two cars, my mom was coming to visit, we had a weekend planned out of relaxation, fun and wedding planning. I was trying on my gown for my mother who hand't seen it yet, she hadn't even seen my engagement ring. We had calculated that we may be able to start saving money to go on a honeymoon. We both were moving in the right path with money, Tyler was going to go get his CrossFit level 1 cert. We booked airfare, I was planning stuff for his birthday, we lived in a nice affordable place. Wednesday night we hung out with great friends, played music and I cleaned anticipating my mom's arrival. We had a well-stocked fridge, wine on the table and the comfort of the one you love falling asleep next to you.
Thursday morning I woke up scared, sick to my stomach and not knowing where my life was going. My mom wasn't coming out, it didn't mean anything to have food in our cabinets, wine on our table, or friends to jam with. I left feeling threatened, uncomfortable and terrified about what the day would bring. I went to bed with somewhere to live and woke up homeless. I felt and feel betrayed. People who we thought were friends, who had taken us in as family had LITERALLY over the course of a few hours turned into enemies. I feel like a dog kicked out on the streets. We have no explanation of what happened to make it go the way it did, nor will we probably ever. By 6pm on Thursday, instead of getting ready to pick my mom up from the airport, I was moving the last of my life out of my house and onto a friend's couch. Friday morning we sold our second car, dried my tears and leaned on each other to stay up straight and keep trying to find the purpose behind all this.
After countless hours of apartment hunting, refreshing craigslist, showings of places we can't totally afford and minutes after minutes of worrying...how do you not start to feel stressed? I thought things were going the direction I had hoped? I guess not. Our savings may be drained because of moving expenses, we may be down and out (again Oahu....really, you are going to do this to me again!?). The two-car-honeymoon-savings-life-going-the-way-we-had-dreamed-reality rug being pulled out from underneath our feet is a lesson that I am still trying really hard to understand I told a dear friend of mine that I know that this is a blessing in disguise but it is hard to see the sun through a dust storm. To which she responded that even rainbows are made of reflections of rain and darkness.
We are still trying and looking. I won't give up JUST yet on this. On him. On his dreams. On the life that I have dragged all the way out here, fed with a silver spoon and watched grow, wanting only the best for it. I don't know where we would be right now if it wasn't for the grace of family and friends. Despite my mom not coming this weekend, the money she would have spent here she gave to us for moving costs. Jessi and Kali rushed to our aide when we needed them most and Kali and Ross have greatly opened their home an their couch to us lost souls. The first night I spent on her couch was rough...I glanced at the suitcases and boxes and trash bags that used to be our lives and felt sad. I looked over at Tyler sleeping next to me on a couch and felt miserable. I feel like I was held accountable for him being homeless. As ridiculous as that sounds. I felt like I had failed him, given him false hope of this great life the islands have to offer only to stick him on a couch with a sheet and say good night. If it wasn't for his relentless optimism and calming energy and I don't know where I would be right now. He is my port in this storm. I can't even begin to try to describe what he has done for me and how he reassures me everyday that things happen for a reason. These past few days he has protected me, dried my tears and held my hand as we march from house to house, phone call to phone call to try to find something.
Where is home? Home is where you make it. Home is where your loved ones are. Where your love is. Home is where you feel comfortable, where you can go to rest, go to feel peace. Home is a reflection of who you are and all your accomplishments. Home can be a roof and four walls, an open space or a metaphorical peace of mind. Home is wherever we are if there's love there too.
How do you give up on a dream? When do you give up? What are you trying to tell me universe!?! I'M LISTENING LOUD AND CLEAR. SPEAK.
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