Reflections

And here comes another novel.

Bare with it...or not.

I don't know how to say what I am feeling. The words seem far and few between. Sometimes words aren't enough to express human emotion. You can sprinkle in some adjectives, throw around the nouns and spice up the verbs but it may never do true justice to what a beating heart can feel. The only way to describe my emotions would be to SHOW you them. Not tears, not laughter, but the physicality of them. The embodiment of my memories. I want you to feel the sand, hear the voices, smell the air, see with your own eyes the beauty of the remembrances in my mind. I feel so grateful that I can shut my eyes and go back to that place, go back to that time. I will never EVER take that for granted.

Leaving Hawaii was difficult to say the least. I dealt with it in many ways. It was almost a grieving process. I was angry, sad, depressed, I had a bout of denial. I finally accepted it. I took in ALL that I could in those last few weeks that I was there. I left nothing untouched. I finally pursued everything that I had said "Oh..I wish I could do that...maybe some other time." There is nothing left on that island that I wanted to do that I didn't. After a while, when the acceptance of leaving had sunk in, I almost wanted to just GO. I wanted to rip it off like a bandaid and not draw out the process of saying goodbye.

The morning I sat in that airport, staring out the windows of my lasts views of Hawaii, a rainbow...the brightest rainbow I had EVER seen...stared back at me. At the time I considered despising it. It was like the sky was mocking me. I look back now and realize it was a farewell. It was the island's way of giving me a warm aloha and it drew lyrics from a local Hawaiian artist...

"Well I woke up this morning
A rainbow filled the sky
That was God telling me
Everything, everything is gonna be alright"

Jack Johnson...I don't if you've heard of him.


Now that I am back in the states, that strange far-away land called the Mainland, I can reflect on it with a happy heart. I took the heartache sitting on that airplane, knowing I was leaving behind beautiful friends and memories, rather than leaving feeling like I had regretted something. I am here in Southern California, in my old room, in my parents house. I am car less (momentarily), jobless, and sometimes a little down on myself. But I know that something is just waiting out there. I feel like I'm perched on the edge of a cliff and I'm just waiting to jump. Something is coming, I can feel it. I can see it, I just can't define the details yet.

In the meantime I want to do everything that I have never done before in LA. I want to hike up the Hollywood sign. I rode the rollercoaster at the Santa Monica pier. I want to go to the Griffith Observatory, Olvera Street, see a screening of a tv show. There's a lot here I haven't done.

Than maybe I'll go north. San Fransisco. Yup. That's where I'll go. Not because I'm chasing a greener pasture, not because I think it'll be better. But because I want to see and experience everything. There's so much out there. It's within reach, even when I think that it's not. It's there. I know it is.

If you made it this far...CHEERS. My reflections are merely an outlet. I need to get them out, otherwise my head my implode with thoughts. And we all know that if my imagination and this crazy mind of mine were let loose in the world, disastrous (or marvelous) things may happen. Either way, the world isn't ready for that just yet.

Aloha from the west coast.

Bree

Growing up

We are all growing up.

And sometimes it's easier to grow up when you have a forecast of a good outcome. But when you're left unknowing, it can make moving forward really hard.

I'm a deep pool of stress and emotion right now. I mixture of excitement, resentment, cheer, foreboding, heartbreak and joy. I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know what I'm going to do, and I'm terrified. I have dreams, but I really don't want to let my dreams be dreams. I'm trying not to. The hardest part of my transition into a new chapter is leaving Hawaii. A part of me is drawing out the process probably longer than necessary. Another part of me wants to rip it off like a bandaid. Just get it over with...but I'd rather take the heartbreak when I get on that plane knowing I'm leaving behind beautiful friends and memories, than to be in the air thinking I had made nothing of my time here.

If I even so much as see an airplane I look away. They're going to have to drag me onto that transportation device by my feet, my nails clawing into the carpet and throwing a tantrum. Sometimes I daydream about silently crying my way onto the airplane, my heart breaking into a million pieces in my chest...buckling myself in the seat, watching the clouds and the ocean roll by the window, and as they go to shut the cabin door, I stand up and scream and run to stewardess, shove her out of the way and burst into the tropical sunshine and run...and don't stop running until I hit Waimea, than sink into that deep clear water and listen to the whales. I won't. But, I can imagine.

If all goes well though (which it will, I know it...I feel it) this will be an opportunity to do something that I have always dreamed of doing. I can start with a foot on the right path and go work towards something that I have wanted to do for years. I can work in a marine related field, get up to the Bay Area and volunteer at the Marine Mammal Center. I'll make new friends, I'll have new experiences. Maybe the Bay Area will be my next Hawaii. It will all work out in the end.

But in the mean time, I have a tube of waterproof mascara and a shoulders of friends to cry on.

...Bree

A mixture of emotions displayed in song...

California here we come, right back where we started from.

Yes, I'm moving back to California.

California, knows how to parrrrty.

I'm excited to see my friends and actually get a chance to do some stuff that I haven't been able to do here in Hawaii.

Those Hollywood nights, in those Hollywood hills.

Maybe I'll get the courage to go to Hollywood at night. Nah probably not.

I'm going back back back to Cali Cali Cali.

Road trip?

I wish they all could be California girls.

I've heard they're beautiful ;)

Beverly Hills, that's where I want to be.

Nah not really, but I'd like to know that if I wanted to go, the opportunity would be there.

Nobody walks in LA.

So true, that may be one of the hardest things to leave behind; the ability to walk wherever I want to.

I left my heart in San Fransisco.

*shrugs*

LA woman.

I guess that will always be me...where my roots are.

California dreamin on such a winter's day.

It's nice and sunny here in Hawaii, but I'm trying to optimistic about leaving it ok?

All the vampires walking through the valley, move west down Ventura Blvd.

AND I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEE FREEEEEEEEE BALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIN!...oh wait, it's fallin huh...?

Livin it up at the Hotel California, what a lovely place...

Is there such a place as the Hotel California? Besides CSUCI...

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Heard that place is nice too..

I'm going to California with an aching in my heart.

Oh Led...it's so true.

Ventura Highway, in the sunshine.

I still can't figure out why there are alligator lizards in the air...what the hell are alligator lizards??

Still the same girl, who builds her own frames for the pictures that she paints of the lights of Monterey coming in across the bay, back to my same girl.

I love you Monterey *sigh*

Sweet Thursday's calling me back up to Monterey

This entire song reminds me of my road trip to the aquarium and camping in Big Sur.


There will always be the Honolulu City lights in my head....Alohe Oe.

This crazy little thing called LIFE

So tonight was amazing. Incredible and wonderful and everything that I could have asked and wished for it to be and than some.

I had a rough day, trying to make decisions about what's going to happen within the next month...moving back to the mainland, trying to find jobs, etc. I had wanted to go to the Kokua Festival (Jack Johnson's Kokua Hawaii foundation benefit concert to raise money for environmental causes) here in Waikiki from the get-go but was unable to obtain tickets for financial reasons. I knew that when those tickets went on sale, I was quietly weeping to myself on the couch knowing I was too poor to afford seeing that concert.

This morning I had vowed to try to avoid Waikiki at all costs, just because I didn't want to be tempted to try to break into the Shell to see the performance. But, emotion got the best of me and I decided that it would be better to camp out in the park outside the concert and listen to the music, than to completely avoid going at all.

3:00pm Grady and I trudge down Waikiki in the glaring hot Hawaiian sunlight to Kapiolani Park. Damn it, if I'm living in Hawaii I want to at least LISTEN to the Kokua Festival...it's only once a year in Oahu! We got there around 4:00 and listened to the first three performers. We set up camp right behind a cop car, in the midst of hippies tight-rope walking and bbqing and getting stoned. I couldn't see anything, but if I listened really close I could hear them.

Sunset came and went and Ziggy Marley played. Around 8:00 the first Jack Johnson songs came on. I was all excited to just hear the distant screams of the audience and croons of Mr. Johnson. It was from a distance, I wish I could have been closer, but it was worth it just to be as close as I was. As people in the park started to trickle out, it was just Grady and I under a bright industrial light that ran along the security fence, swaying back and forth to Jack's rhythmic melodies. From the corner of my eye, I see a guy approaching. This guy walks up to us, "Want two tickets?"

"No thank you, don't have the money," was my sad response. I was assuming he'd continue his scalping effort at a different location. He just smiled and dropped the two tickets in our laps. My only response was a muttered, "...are you serious?" He just turned back and smiled and walked away.

I quickly started scanning the tickets, are these fake? They've got to be fake, no way this is real...There's the date, there's the time, there's the seat number... OH MY GOD!!! WE JUST GOT TICKETS!! Grady and I sprinted to the entrance...they scanned it...we were IN!!

I ran to the side of the ropes, it was standing room only. But WHO CARES!!?? I was in Kokua Festival! I never dreamed I'd be there...this close to Jack Johnson. I was right under the big screen, the sound was better, I could see him...a little inch big guy on the stage. I was shaking with excitement and kept saying, "CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT JUST HAPPENED!?!" Grady just was shaking his head and laughing.

There was a lady standing next to us who was listening to one of his songs and she looked at us and asked, "I don't even know the name of this song, it's my favorite song, do you know what it's called?"

"Oh, it's called 'Home', I love this song too!" I kept singing, just brushing off her question.

At the end of the song, Grady taps me on the shoulder. The lady was gone, but he's holding an envelope with two more tickets in it, "Want to go to the front?" he asks.

The lady who was standing next to us gave us her orchestra seat tickets and walked away, we couldn't find her to thank her or anything. ORCHESTRA SEATS. I MEAN LIKE, 2ND ROW ORCHESTRA SEATS!!

This seems like a crazy joke, but it was so real. We walked right up to the VIP area, they walked us to our seats. Now I'm crying. By sheer luck, generosity of strangers and by someone that was looking out for us tonight, we made it from outside in a park behind a cop car to 2nd row of the Jack Johnson Kokua Festival. So surreal. We were able to watch Ziggy Marley, Taj Mahal, Jack and others for two hours for FREE. I couldn't afford the $40 presale, non-the-less the $80 tickets, God forbid I would have bought those orchestra seats that were going for over $500 this morning. I got them for free by some insane karmic blessing. It was ridiculous.

I don't have any pictures to show you, my phone was dead and I had no camera. How was I expecting to be able to see that??!! But I will never EVER forget the kindness those people showed me tonight. I will forever hold that memory SO dear to me. What an amazing thing happened tonight...wow.

...on my list of things I want to do before I die, there was see a Kokua Festival. Check :)

What you put out into the Universe, will come back to you.

~A very happy Bree

Caught someone in the middle of the strangest love triangle...

So mine is a tale of love. A tale of a heart torn, of a mind distressed, of emotions pulled from three corners of the world.

Today I heard a Spanish guitar and my heart ached. A few nights ago I had a dream I was driving down the 405 freeway. I never thought I'd admit it, but I miss LA. I miss the food, the people, the places. I miss the ridiculously hot summers, the drive to my grandparent's cabin in the mountains. I miss having to put on a wetsuit to surf, I miss the smell of neoprene and wax. I miss the point breaks, the kelp, the SCUBA diving. I miss pulling up to Landing Cove on Anacapa island. I miss the food, oh GOD do I miss the food. I miss my family, my home, my friends, my cat, my fish. I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to move back to Los Angeles, but a part of me right now really wants to go back. It was so hard to leave this past time I went home. Every time I go back it get's a little bit harder to go. It's not like I'm going somewhere awful...I live in Hawaii...but I don't know. Maybe it's the freedom of knowing I can get in the car and just GO if I want to. Drive to Monterey along the Pacific Coast Highway at the spur of the moment...camp in my car with my friends for days, living off cold Boca burgers and laughing until we cry in inappropriate places like fancy restaurants, getting rained into our car at 4 in the afternoon in the middle of some forest in Big Sur, driving all the way from Monterey to Camarillo in one day because we didn't want to sleep on the seats again. Ugh, I miss those times, I miss those people.

But...do I leave?

My home now. Beautiful Honolulu. This city, these people, have embraced me with open arms. I have grown so much since I've been here. If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere. This was the first place I moved to on my own, somewhere where I can't drive home, I can't just give up here and call my parents to tell them to come get me. I made it in HAWAII. I paid a ridiculous rent, I paid too much for food, too much for gas. I've done everything the tourists do. People save up for YEARS to get here, and I get to live it everyday. I don't take it for granted, the things and places and experiences I've had here I would probably have never had anywhere else. I moved here to go to a University, I've surfed Waikiki, I've dove the blue waters of Oahu, I've worked with DOLPHINS on Big Island. I've seen a volcano, I've seen the full moon reflect off the telescopes and snow of Mauna Kea. I've seen jungles and waterfalls and sharks and storms and the biggest waves to hit Oahu in years. I've made friends here I don't know if I could ever leave. The people here are beautiful and inviting. I recommend it to anyone who wants to move to Hawaii to just DO IT. I don't know how I could ever say goodbye...

But there's so much I want to do.

I want to go to San Fransisco. I want to live in the fog, I want to wear a scarf. I want to hear the fog horns and see the Golden Gate bridge. I want to see my friends that are living there. I want to volunteer at the Marine Mammal Center in Sausalito. I think that is the next step for me. Finish my Vet Assistant license and go to the City by the Bay. I want to get the experience of doing something that's so much more than me, the experience of knowing that my time is being spent doing something that is going to make an impact of another life. I want to be apart of the rehabilitation of marine mammals. I want the whole thing...the rescue, the rehabilitation, the release. I've worked with abalone, inverts, sharks and rays, kelp forest monitoring, maintaining aquariums and aquaculture systems... I got to train dolphins for Pete's sake...but I want to do this so bad. I can do it. I know a lot of people who have told me to do it. Friends of mine have benefited so much from that center. I think that's where my life is puling me right now. I need to get up there. There's a lot up there too, there's Mote Marine Lab, Moss Landing, Monterey Bay Aquarium, Pier 39, Marine World...ugh. I have friends there already. The contract to volunteer is only 6 months, I can get a short term lease, work in a vet's office, volunteer my time...see where life takes me.

This has been such a hard decision for me. There is so much I want to do. I want to be in three places at once. I'm in love with every one of these cities. Two I've known intimately, one is a promise of a love affair. Los Angeles will always have a place in my heart, I grew up there, my family is there...it may always be my home. Honolulu will always be my first, my first getaway, my first "real life" experience...if there IS such a thing as the REAL LIFE... San Fransisco may be my next home...? I don't know, I can't tell you, but I'll let you know when I get there.

I am a hopeless dreamer with the wanderlust syndrome. If I don't act upon these desires I feel hopeless. I have to have something to strive for. If I can incorporate travel, working with marine life and experiencing different places, people, cultures and views on life..*sigh* Why not?

Try to stop me.

Bree...

It was truly incredible.

Tonight was another one of those nights that all I can say is...I wish you could have been there. It was incredible.

The sunset was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Definitely one of the top ten sunsets of my life...thus far of course.

I was working, and I had been so absorbed in the routine of busing tables, serving food...that I only realized as I walked out of the kitchen around sunset that the entire dining room was gone. I glanced outside and was blown away. The sky was lit up in neon pink, orange and purple explosions of cloud and streaks of bright colors. It sprawled like glowing fingers across the sky and sparkled the ocean with hot pink and magenta tones. I, of course, ran outside with all my Japanese tourists and stood grinning from ear to ear, camera phone ready of course. It continued to change color, we were all awe struck. Even the kitchen staff had their phones out, taking pictures. I took some and I'd upload it, but I don't know how to send from my phone to the computer...tech savvy huh? But seriously it was so wonderful.

As the ship turned around all of Waikiki was lit up in a glittering glow of high rises and hotels, it looked like thousands of stars fell from the sky and landed on the sand. The glass on the hotels was reflecting the hot pink of the sky and the mountains behind the city were silhouetted against the fading light. It's moments like these when I'm glad I work on a ship.

I really wish you could have been here with me today. All of you. To see this. To see this sunset. To see this day. To see this island. To see the people I work with, the smiles I see, the different tourists running in the sand and learning to surf. The families I meet who have saved up for years to come to Hawaii, the locals who open their hearts and homes to me. The military families that I see come through the ship as final farewell before some of their loved ones head to Iraq. The families I see that celebrate a safe return home. I'd love you to see the crazy kitchen guys I work with, all with their grinning gold teeth and their funny ways of dancing. I wish you could see the excitement when you pop open a glass of champage for a honeymoon couple from Japan. I wish I could show you the rolling lava rocks of Spitting Caves. I want you to see the steep steps up Koko Head. I wish you could see the whales jumping next to the ship, the dolphins chasing our wake. I wish I could show you the turtles that roll in the surf up to your boards and look at your like you're in their way. I wish I could show you all the waterfalls and the over-hiked trails to get to them, the blowholes that only spout SUPER high when the waves are picking up. I wish you could see the waves, the small ones, the big ones, the inbetweens ones. I wish you could see the never ending expanse of ocean in front of me. I want to show you the city, the crowds, the towers of downtown, strips of shopping malls in Waikiki. I want you to see the green mountains, the brown mountains, the lush rainforests, the not-so-lush rainforests. If you close your eyes can you see the white sand beaches?

I wish you could have been there. It was truly incredible.



A hui hou.

Bree :)

Talent!

My dearest apologize for my delayed posts. I was so good about this for a while, now I'm falling behind. I have good reason though! Finally...it's a blessing in disguise... my work has been giving me SO MANY hours!! And it's starting to wear on me...oh man I'm TIRED!

But I've had a productive past few weeks. I made new friends (like I'm in kindergarten!) and they are all pretty much Coast Guard. I love the Coast Guard, seriously some of the sweetest, nicest people I've ever met.

Now I'm just sitting here, waiting for my champagne to chill in the freezer, looking through my talented family's paintings. It's crazy to see all the artistic talent in my family! From Jonathan, my mom, to my uncle and aunt. They are all so wonderful!!

Here's a sneak peak at what the have...you can all find them on facebook!



my mom!



my uncle!



my aunt!



my cousin julianna!

They are all SOOOO talented. My father, my brother, a bunch of people in my family. Check them out!



Hope everyone has an inspired day!

Bree