Reflections

And here comes another novel.

Bare with it...or not.

I don't know how to say what I am feeling. The words seem far and few between. Sometimes words aren't enough to express human emotion. You can sprinkle in some adjectives, throw around the nouns and spice up the verbs but it may never do true justice to what a beating heart can feel. The only way to describe my emotions would be to SHOW you them. Not tears, not laughter, but the physicality of them. The embodiment of my memories. I want you to feel the sand, hear the voices, smell the air, see with your own eyes the beauty of the remembrances in my mind. I feel so grateful that I can shut my eyes and go back to that place, go back to that time. I will never EVER take that for granted.

Leaving Hawaii was difficult to say the least. I dealt with it in many ways. It was almost a grieving process. I was angry, sad, depressed, I had a bout of denial. I finally accepted it. I took in ALL that I could in those last few weeks that I was there. I left nothing untouched. I finally pursued everything that I had said "Oh..I wish I could do that...maybe some other time." There is nothing left on that island that I wanted to do that I didn't. After a while, when the acceptance of leaving had sunk in, I almost wanted to just GO. I wanted to rip it off like a bandaid and not draw out the process of saying goodbye.

The morning I sat in that airport, staring out the windows of my lasts views of Hawaii, a rainbow...the brightest rainbow I had EVER seen...stared back at me. At the time I considered despising it. It was like the sky was mocking me. I look back now and realize it was a farewell. It was the island's way of giving me a warm aloha and it drew lyrics from a local Hawaiian artist...

"Well I woke up this morning
A rainbow filled the sky
That was God telling me
Everything, everything is gonna be alright"

Jack Johnson...I don't if you've heard of him.


Now that I am back in the states, that strange far-away land called the Mainland, I can reflect on it with a happy heart. I took the heartache sitting on that airplane, knowing I was leaving behind beautiful friends and memories, rather than leaving feeling like I had regretted something. I am here in Southern California, in my old room, in my parents house. I am car less (momentarily), jobless, and sometimes a little down on myself. But I know that something is just waiting out there. I feel like I'm perched on the edge of a cliff and I'm just waiting to jump. Something is coming, I can feel it. I can see it, I just can't define the details yet.

In the meantime I want to do everything that I have never done before in LA. I want to hike up the Hollywood sign. I rode the rollercoaster at the Santa Monica pier. I want to go to the Griffith Observatory, Olvera Street, see a screening of a tv show. There's a lot here I haven't done.

Than maybe I'll go north. San Fransisco. Yup. That's where I'll go. Not because I'm chasing a greener pasture, not because I think it'll be better. But because I want to see and experience everything. There's so much out there. It's within reach, even when I think that it's not. It's there. I know it is.

If you made it this far...CHEERS. My reflections are merely an outlet. I need to get them out, otherwise my head my implode with thoughts. And we all know that if my imagination and this crazy mind of mine were let loose in the world, disastrous (or marvelous) things may happen. Either way, the world isn't ready for that just yet.

Aloha from the west coast.

Bree

Growing up

We are all growing up.

And sometimes it's easier to grow up when you have a forecast of a good outcome. But when you're left unknowing, it can make moving forward really hard.

I'm a deep pool of stress and emotion right now. I mixture of excitement, resentment, cheer, foreboding, heartbreak and joy. I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know what I'm going to do, and I'm terrified. I have dreams, but I really don't want to let my dreams be dreams. I'm trying not to. The hardest part of my transition into a new chapter is leaving Hawaii. A part of me is drawing out the process probably longer than necessary. Another part of me wants to rip it off like a bandaid. Just get it over with...but I'd rather take the heartbreak when I get on that plane knowing I'm leaving behind beautiful friends and memories, than to be in the air thinking I had made nothing of my time here.

If I even so much as see an airplane I look away. They're going to have to drag me onto that transportation device by my feet, my nails clawing into the carpet and throwing a tantrum. Sometimes I daydream about silently crying my way onto the airplane, my heart breaking into a million pieces in my chest...buckling myself in the seat, watching the clouds and the ocean roll by the window, and as they go to shut the cabin door, I stand up and scream and run to stewardess, shove her out of the way and burst into the tropical sunshine and run...and don't stop running until I hit Waimea, than sink into that deep clear water and listen to the whales. I won't. But, I can imagine.

If all goes well though (which it will, I know it...I feel it) this will be an opportunity to do something that I have always dreamed of doing. I can start with a foot on the right path and go work towards something that I have wanted to do for years. I can work in a marine related field, get up to the Bay Area and volunteer at the Marine Mammal Center. I'll make new friends, I'll have new experiences. Maybe the Bay Area will be my next Hawaii. It will all work out in the end.

But in the mean time, I have a tube of waterproof mascara and a shoulders of friends to cry on.

...Bree