I don't know who I am writing to, or where my audience is, nay...WHO my audience is...but I'm pretty sure I'm doing this for myself. It is my way of redirecting these screaming thoughts onto something tangible. As volatile as my life was this week, I know that this is the rough water to get to the smooth passage and I don't want to miss even a moment of this part of my life. Because from great turmoil comes lessons that every life needs to learn. And I don't want to lose out on those lessons. No matter how painful this moment is, was or may be, I can still grow and learn. Why pass up an opportunity to learn and become wiser?
From this situation I have learned many things...things that maybe won't make sense to me until days, weeks, months, years later. But of this time there are few things that hold prominent in my head:
I have found the true meaning of home. Last night, sitting on a beach with my dear friend Claudette, Tyler and I, I had a moment of profound happiness. In those quickly fleeting moments on a beautiful twilight-filled Kalama beach, I sat hand in hand facing Tyler on a blanket in the sand. We closed our eyes, touched our foreheads and encircled each other in emerald green light. I was supposed to be focusing on the future, but my present was too pronounced for me to ignore. Though my head was clear, my heart was speaking and I just let it jabber as much as it needed. It told me that everything is ok, that I can let go, that this time in my life can be looked back upon with only happiness and pleasant memories. That what I thought was home, was only a lesson and that my true home was more than a physical place. Suddenly I grinned from ear to ear, wider than I had all week and the sound of the waves, the brushing of the wind against my face, the voice of Claudette, all faded away. There was nothing more that I needed, nothing more that mattered than my home. More than body, and the metaphysical, in a way that I can't describe (because I'm half convinced the words don't exist in the English language) I knew that home was in front of my eyes. Not the sand, not the surf, not even the stars, but the soul that resided in the body in front of me. Behind closed lids I could see more clearly than if my eyes were to be open. I knew at that moment that I could be anywhere, go anywhere and be at home. The stars will be the same, it is always the same ocean...and this soul I have known for many lives has known mine. There is more to the meaning "home is wherever your heart is" than I ever knew. I wander this Earth looking for home and little did I know that it was here in the form of another soul. I never question or judge when this soul is around and all the reasons I have been searching for have been found. Dear heart, please rest, we are home.
I have learned that losing control of certain parts of my life really effect me. Who knew I was such a control freak? Ok, fine, more than most. But this is a lesson in letting life and karma/circumstance/rolling with the punches take control. I can not control every aspect. I can project a positive or negative energy but I need to learn to be like water around a stone. I also learned that certain things are taken so easily for granted; falling asleep in your own bed, making your own schedule of when to wake up, eat, etc...living life on my own time and my own money and schedule apparently meant more to me than I thought. But the thing that I dislike the most about losing control is not being able to fall asleep next to Tyler. Knowing that he is there but on the opposite side of a couch is terrible. I wish that upon no one. I can't wait for the day we can fall asleep on our time, in our own bed, wake up to our own pace, eat with our own food, shower with our own water and live on our own money. Don't take this for granted!
I have learned that letting go of things can be hard...the lifestyle, the island, the warm water, the surf, the people. Saying goodbye to friends and family is never easy. Letting go of the Ko'olau Mountains, Baby Maks, Manoa valley, Waikiki beach and Maunalua Bay. I have to let you go. I have no unhealthy thoughts about you, I love you, therefore I have to let you go. Rain drops that give way to sunny skies and rainbows over jungled driveways and the salty warm air of the cliffs, I have to let you go. To the tropical waters and the coral reefs of Maui I have to let you go. To the volcano on Big Island, the waterfalls of Kaua'i I have to let you go. It is not my time, it is someone else's. Inspire them, teach them to love you the way that I did. And have. But because there is nothing but love, I can let you go. I can stand back and live through those that are stepping wide-eyed off a plane onto your sun-drenched shores. I can hope that they live the same that I did...truly. I hope they learn the meaning of hard work and be inspired by the beauty that is all around them. I hope they learn that family is important and so are these islands. I hope they can grow and watch over the 'aina. I hope they learn the meaning of aloha and feel the moist air coming across the ocean, from Diamond Head's cliffs and over to Sandy's. I hope they can sit in the clear water in Waimea and dive deep, be still, and listen to the whales make their annual journey to your water. I really hope they love you as much as I have. And when their time comes to let you go, I hope it is easier than when I have had to, and that they feel as much love in leaving you as I do. Hawai'i nei, you will always be with me, but until we meet again...aloha a hui hou.
There. I've done it. I've let go. I can leave peacefully and only hold happiness in my heart this time as we part ways. Your energy will draw me back to you always, as will many others. But this time my beautiful islands, I can go with a happy heart. Despite the pain, I know these are lessons I needed to learn. Mother California, you have waited so patiently for my return. You have been there all along with open arms, smiling and inviting me back. I'm coming and I'm taking my home with me.
California, once again, here I come...always...right back where I started from.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
I love you, therefore I am
I love you.
Not only would I die for you, take a bullet for you and all other cliche terms, but I will clean your dirty underwear off the floor and wash your dishes. I will promise to feed you, clothe you and rub your head when you are sick. I love you in a way that I can't describe without beginning to feel emotional. I promise to always inspire your dreams and encourage your ambitions. I love you therefore I will listen to your hours of video games and even buy you more to encourage it. I love you so I will do your laundry, clean your dishes and scrub your toilet. Yes I said it, I'll make you a sandwich.
I know you enjoy listening to your music loud and you will eat all the tortilla chips in the bag in one sitting. I know your allergies (or what you used to be allergic to) and therefore can't buy pistachios for myself anymore. Shirt sizes are particular to you and one day you hope to grow a full beard for playoff season. I know that you feel better in the ocean than you do doing anything else and that you are an incredibly talented musician. I like to imagine I amuse you with my ridiculous dancing and freaking out over animals, because it always makes you laugh. And that laugh is something I would pay money to be able to listen to everyday. I love you from your flat feet to your curly cow-lick and wouldn't change a thing about you. I know that you want to help people and you are wonderful at being approachable because you radiate charm and confidence. People are drawn to you like a moth to a flame. I know that you can cook a mean steak, although I'll never eat it, I believe you. You look so dashing in your uniform but I love you in your boardshorts and you make me swoon when you put on a button-up.
I love you so I have opened myself to situations that used to be frightening to me. I love you because you tell "I'm here and I will never let anything happen to you." I love you so I have taken into consideration circumstances that at one point I had sworn off altogether. You have never given me a reason to doubt you, only a reason to see that this is the right situation for us to be in right now at this moment in time.
I love you so I will never forget the snowy parking lot, the thin Coastie staring back at me. I will never forget the wind chimes in Santa Barbara and the ice cream on the pier. I will never forget the Silicon Valley Humane Society and that incredibly sick drive up to San Jose. I will never forget trying to figure out how to sleep comfortably on a twin bed. I'll never forget Honolulu airport and the exhilaration I felt at seeing your face. I love you and I will always hold dear Waikiki beach during a thunderstorm and the pink lightening that was lighting up the sky couldn't do justice to the explosions of love I was feeling inside my heart. I'll never forget watching you come alive as you teach a class and the power you posses. I will never forget how you held my hand and told me everything will be ok, stood me up and walked me to the car when all I wanted to do was lay down and cry. I will never forget the epiphany of knowing that home for me doesn't have to be a physical foundation, but one person and the relationships that we carry for each other. That home and love stretch across time, space and distance and that the web of passion you can feel flexes and retracts in a perfectly orchestrated dance that leaves neither of us feeling alone no matter where in the world one is in relevance to the other.
I love you in ways that I never thought were possible for a human to feel towards another. I love you so I will sacrifice parts of myself to let you shine. I love you so I will sit back and watch you sparkle in the best way you can. I love you so I will do my best to be my best and make the best of not the best. For all the ways that you have held me calm and straight, I will one day be able to do for you. I love you so I will be the mirror that reflects your light, because I know one day you will hold the mirror for me. I love your encouragement, your laughter, your pride and your optimism. I love you and I will return all the love that you have shown me tenfold. I love you and I will try to give you everything that I can manage to give. I'll plant seeds in your heart and water them until they turn into giant trees. I'll stay anywhere in the world as long as it sparks a fire in your soul that feels "meant to be". In the end, I'll reach to you from where time just can't go.
I love you so I will take your name and wear it proud. I love you so I will give you all of myself and absorb all of what you can give me. I love you more than walls and windows and more than here or there. I loved you once, I love you now and I will love you again. I love you more than this place, than this time, than this situation. Yet in this place, I've learned to love you more than I have ever known, in this time I know I love you more than ever have and in this situation you have shown me that you love me more than I have ever imagined. In the next place I will love you more than I do now, in the next time I will know that I love you more than I did yesterday and in the next situation you will show me that you love again.
I love you, therefore I am.
Not only would I die for you, take a bullet for you and all other cliche terms, but I will clean your dirty underwear off the floor and wash your dishes. I will promise to feed you, clothe you and rub your head when you are sick. I love you in a way that I can't describe without beginning to feel emotional. I promise to always inspire your dreams and encourage your ambitions. I love you therefore I will listen to your hours of video games and even buy you more to encourage it. I love you so I will do your laundry, clean your dishes and scrub your toilet. Yes I said it, I'll make you a sandwich.
I know you enjoy listening to your music loud and you will eat all the tortilla chips in the bag in one sitting. I know your allergies (or what you used to be allergic to) and therefore can't buy pistachios for myself anymore. Shirt sizes are particular to you and one day you hope to grow a full beard for playoff season. I know that you feel better in the ocean than you do doing anything else and that you are an incredibly talented musician. I like to imagine I amuse you with my ridiculous dancing and freaking out over animals, because it always makes you laugh. And that laugh is something I would pay money to be able to listen to everyday. I love you from your flat feet to your curly cow-lick and wouldn't change a thing about you. I know that you want to help people and you are wonderful at being approachable because you radiate charm and confidence. People are drawn to you like a moth to a flame. I know that you can cook a mean steak, although I'll never eat it, I believe you. You look so dashing in your uniform but I love you in your boardshorts and you make me swoon when you put on a button-up.
I love you so I have opened myself to situations that used to be frightening to me. I love you because you tell "I'm here and I will never let anything happen to you." I love you so I have taken into consideration circumstances that at one point I had sworn off altogether. You have never given me a reason to doubt you, only a reason to see that this is the right situation for us to be in right now at this moment in time.
I love you so I will never forget the snowy parking lot, the thin Coastie staring back at me. I will never forget the wind chimes in Santa Barbara and the ice cream on the pier. I will never forget the Silicon Valley Humane Society and that incredibly sick drive up to San Jose. I will never forget trying to figure out how to sleep comfortably on a twin bed. I'll never forget Honolulu airport and the exhilaration I felt at seeing your face. I love you and I will always hold dear Waikiki beach during a thunderstorm and the pink lightening that was lighting up the sky couldn't do justice to the explosions of love I was feeling inside my heart. I'll never forget watching you come alive as you teach a class and the power you posses. I will never forget how you held my hand and told me everything will be ok, stood me up and walked me to the car when all I wanted to do was lay down and cry. I will never forget the epiphany of knowing that home for me doesn't have to be a physical foundation, but one person and the relationships that we carry for each other. That home and love stretch across time, space and distance and that the web of passion you can feel flexes and retracts in a perfectly orchestrated dance that leaves neither of us feeling alone no matter where in the world one is in relevance to the other.
I love you in ways that I never thought were possible for a human to feel towards another. I love you so I will sacrifice parts of myself to let you shine. I love you so I will sit back and watch you sparkle in the best way you can. I love you so I will do my best to be my best and make the best of not the best. For all the ways that you have held me calm and straight, I will one day be able to do for you. I love you so I will be the mirror that reflects your light, because I know one day you will hold the mirror for me. I love your encouragement, your laughter, your pride and your optimism. I love you and I will return all the love that you have shown me tenfold. I love you and I will try to give you everything that I can manage to give. I'll plant seeds in your heart and water them until they turn into giant trees. I'll stay anywhere in the world as long as it sparks a fire in your soul that feels "meant to be". In the end, I'll reach to you from where time just can't go.
I love you so I will take your name and wear it proud. I love you so I will give you all of myself and absorb all of what you can give me. I love you more than walls and windows and more than here or there. I loved you once, I love you now and I will love you again. I love you more than this place, than this time, than this situation. Yet in this place, I've learned to love you more than I have ever known, in this time I know I love you more than ever have and in this situation you have shown me that you love me more than I have ever imagined. In the next place I will love you more than I do now, in the next time I will know that I love you more than I did yesterday and in the next situation you will show me that you love again.
I love you, therefore I am.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Home is wherever we are if there's love there too...
It is a humbling feeling to know that everything you have can be taken away so quickly.
I'm not sure what happened, nor do I really feel like displaying again what exactly did happen. Just know that it was quick and it was painful. LIke when you pretend that ripping off a bandaid isn't painful...it hurts but it's fast. And you're left with the semi-healed wound and outline of a soggy bandaid on your skin to try to mend. I'm putting neosporin on it but it just isn't healing as fast as I had hoped.
Last week life was going the way I wanted it. We had two cars, my mom was coming to visit, we had a weekend planned out of relaxation, fun and wedding planning. I was trying on my gown for my mother who hand't seen it yet, she hadn't even seen my engagement ring. We had calculated that we may be able to start saving money to go on a honeymoon. We both were moving in the right path with money, Tyler was going to go get his CrossFit level 1 cert. We booked airfare, I was planning stuff for his birthday, we lived in a nice affordable place. Wednesday night we hung out with great friends, played music and I cleaned anticipating my mom's arrival. We had a well-stocked fridge, wine on the table and the comfort of the one you love falling asleep next to you.
Thursday morning I woke up scared, sick to my stomach and not knowing where my life was going. My mom wasn't coming out, it didn't mean anything to have food in our cabinets, wine on our table, or friends to jam with. I left feeling threatened, uncomfortable and terrified about what the day would bring. I went to bed with somewhere to live and woke up homeless. I felt and feel betrayed. People who we thought were friends, who had taken us in as family had LITERALLY over the course of a few hours turned into enemies. I feel like a dog kicked out on the streets. We have no explanation of what happened to make it go the way it did, nor will we probably ever. By 6pm on Thursday, instead of getting ready to pick my mom up from the airport, I was moving the last of my life out of my house and onto a friend's couch. Friday morning we sold our second car, dried my tears and leaned on each other to stay up straight and keep trying to find the purpose behind all this.
After countless hours of apartment hunting, refreshing craigslist, showings of places we can't totally afford and minutes after minutes of worrying...how do you not start to feel stressed? I thought things were going the direction I had hoped? I guess not. Our savings may be drained because of moving expenses, we may be down and out (again Oahu....really, you are going to do this to me again!?). The two-car-honeymoon-savings-life-going-the-way-we-had-dreamed-reality rug being pulled out from underneath our feet is a lesson that I am still trying really hard to understand I told a dear friend of mine that I know that this is a blessing in disguise but it is hard to see the sun through a dust storm. To which she responded that even rainbows are made of reflections of rain and darkness.
We are still trying and looking. I won't give up JUST yet on this. On him. On his dreams. On the life that I have dragged all the way out here, fed with a silver spoon and watched grow, wanting only the best for it. I don't know where we would be right now if it wasn't for the grace of family and friends. Despite my mom not coming this weekend, the money she would have spent here she gave to us for moving costs. Jessi and Kali rushed to our aide when we needed them most and Kali and Ross have greatly opened their home an their couch to us lost souls. The first night I spent on her couch was rough...I glanced at the suitcases and boxes and trash bags that used to be our lives and felt sad. I looked over at Tyler sleeping next to me on a couch and felt miserable. I feel like I was held accountable for him being homeless. As ridiculous as that sounds. I felt like I had failed him, given him false hope of this great life the islands have to offer only to stick him on a couch with a sheet and say good night. If it wasn't for his relentless optimism and calming energy and I don't know where I would be right now. He is my port in this storm. I can't even begin to try to describe what he has done for me and how he reassures me everyday that things happen for a reason. These past few days he has protected me, dried my tears and held my hand as we march from house to house, phone call to phone call to try to find something.
Where is home? Home is where you make it. Home is where your loved ones are. Where your love is. Home is where you feel comfortable, where you can go to rest, go to feel peace. Home is a reflection of who you are and all your accomplishments. Home can be a roof and four walls, an open space or a metaphorical peace of mind. Home is wherever we are if there's love there too.
How do you give up on a dream? When do you give up? What are you trying to tell me universe!?! I'M LISTENING LOUD AND CLEAR. SPEAK.
I'm not sure what happened, nor do I really feel like displaying again what exactly did happen. Just know that it was quick and it was painful. LIke when you pretend that ripping off a bandaid isn't painful...it hurts but it's fast. And you're left with the semi-healed wound and outline of a soggy bandaid on your skin to try to mend. I'm putting neosporin on it but it just isn't healing as fast as I had hoped.
Last week life was going the way I wanted it. We had two cars, my mom was coming to visit, we had a weekend planned out of relaxation, fun and wedding planning. I was trying on my gown for my mother who hand't seen it yet, she hadn't even seen my engagement ring. We had calculated that we may be able to start saving money to go on a honeymoon. We both were moving in the right path with money, Tyler was going to go get his CrossFit level 1 cert. We booked airfare, I was planning stuff for his birthday, we lived in a nice affordable place. Wednesday night we hung out with great friends, played music and I cleaned anticipating my mom's arrival. We had a well-stocked fridge, wine on the table and the comfort of the one you love falling asleep next to you.
Thursday morning I woke up scared, sick to my stomach and not knowing where my life was going. My mom wasn't coming out, it didn't mean anything to have food in our cabinets, wine on our table, or friends to jam with. I left feeling threatened, uncomfortable and terrified about what the day would bring. I went to bed with somewhere to live and woke up homeless. I felt and feel betrayed. People who we thought were friends, who had taken us in as family had LITERALLY over the course of a few hours turned into enemies. I feel like a dog kicked out on the streets. We have no explanation of what happened to make it go the way it did, nor will we probably ever. By 6pm on Thursday, instead of getting ready to pick my mom up from the airport, I was moving the last of my life out of my house and onto a friend's couch. Friday morning we sold our second car, dried my tears and leaned on each other to stay up straight and keep trying to find the purpose behind all this.
After countless hours of apartment hunting, refreshing craigslist, showings of places we can't totally afford and minutes after minutes of worrying...how do you not start to feel stressed? I thought things were going the direction I had hoped? I guess not. Our savings may be drained because of moving expenses, we may be down and out (again Oahu....really, you are going to do this to me again!?). The two-car-honeymoon-savings-life-going-the-way-we-had-dreamed-reality rug being pulled out from underneath our feet is a lesson that I am still trying really hard to understand I told a dear friend of mine that I know that this is a blessing in disguise but it is hard to see the sun through a dust storm. To which she responded that even rainbows are made of reflections of rain and darkness.
We are still trying and looking. I won't give up JUST yet on this. On him. On his dreams. On the life that I have dragged all the way out here, fed with a silver spoon and watched grow, wanting only the best for it. I don't know where we would be right now if it wasn't for the grace of family and friends. Despite my mom not coming this weekend, the money she would have spent here she gave to us for moving costs. Jessi and Kali rushed to our aide when we needed them most and Kali and Ross have greatly opened their home an their couch to us lost souls. The first night I spent on her couch was rough...I glanced at the suitcases and boxes and trash bags that used to be our lives and felt sad. I looked over at Tyler sleeping next to me on a couch and felt miserable. I feel like I was held accountable for him being homeless. As ridiculous as that sounds. I felt like I had failed him, given him false hope of this great life the islands have to offer only to stick him on a couch with a sheet and say good night. If it wasn't for his relentless optimism and calming energy and I don't know where I would be right now. He is my port in this storm. I can't even begin to try to describe what he has done for me and how he reassures me everyday that things happen for a reason. These past few days he has protected me, dried my tears and held my hand as we march from house to house, phone call to phone call to try to find something.
Where is home? Home is where you make it. Home is where your loved ones are. Where your love is. Home is where you feel comfortable, where you can go to rest, go to feel peace. Home is a reflection of who you are and all your accomplishments. Home can be a roof and four walls, an open space or a metaphorical peace of mind. Home is wherever we are if there's love there too.
How do you give up on a dream? When do you give up? What are you trying to tell me universe!?! I'M LISTENING LOUD AND CLEAR. SPEAK.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Changing a lifestyle
Changing a lifestyle.
People I think always assume that a lifestyle change is difficult. That it requires some metaphysical cosmic collision to ever work right. And although no one ever said changing years worth of habits and living would be easy...I found changing a lifestyle was actually way simpler than I had anticipated.
My lifestyle change occurred by accident. I never really set out with the idea to change my age-old habits of exercise, eating, sleeping and moody behavior, it just sort of occurred. I knew with my recent engagement that certain things needed adjusting, but I never assumed that my whole outlook on life would be so drastically altered. The shift started on my first day at CrossFit East Oahu. Not knowing what to expect, where to go, how to handle barbells and weights, wall balls and boxes and what the heck was a "WOD"?...I hesitantly stepped into my first class. After the first 3,2,1...go!...I knew I was hooked. The atmosphere, the people, the workout..it was all pleasantly different. The aching, the sore body, the "I can't figure out how to sit down and take a pee because its too much like a squat" feeling was surprisingly refreshing.
The first gears clicked into place of my new lifestyle change that fateful day...but they didn't start rolling and moving until a few weeks later. It started with 2 classes a week. Then I challenged myself to 3. Then 4. Then 5. All of a sudden I couldn't go enough and 6 and sometimes 7 days were the norm. I watched people around me that had been there longer and started making mental goals to hit. Little milestones that I wanted to achieve. The first one was cutting out certain foods, eating healthier and committing to a workout schedule.
When that was done I wanted to continually move up in weight until I could complete one workout of the day, "WOD", at RX weight (the prescribed weight). That benchmark came faster than I had expected. Ok...kipping pull-ups! You should YouTube that if you're not sure of what it is. I can do them now! Squat clean at 110lbs? Sure!! Heavier weight. Ok! 135lb backsquat, check. 190lb deadlift (technically 185lb counted because my grip slipped at 190, but I got it UP!). Check, check, check, check. Overhead squats, snatches, running, blisters and sore feet, shin splints and sweat...yes!
Certain things starting clicking and shifting and all of a sudden those gears were turning. Without even meaning to I had created a lifestyle change. I got excited about going to workout, to challenge myself into heavier weights, longer distances running, faster times. I wanted to go as long as I could on a fast, wanted to challenge myself to cut out certain sugars, refined foods and grains. I wanted to see the callused hands and blistered feet (and boy do I have those now). I wanted to be able to get my name on the board, I wanted to complete a workout without puking (which...luckily...I have yet to puke). The most motivating part of the process was not only the weights and endurance, but the physical changes I was starting to see in my body. Pants were getting lose, arms were getting stronger, thighs were becoming toned. I could look in the mirror and not have to suck it in. Sit down on the sand and know that I wasn't bulging out of a swimsuit.
I remember I tried on my wedding gown and told the lady "Wow, this has a great corset!"
To which she replied, "Oh no darling, this has no corset, that hour-glass shape is all you!" That was completely inspirational.
My accidental lifestyle change not only occurred physically, but also mentally. I started breaking down these barriers and walls that I had built without realizing it. It was almost as though I had built these barricades and dugouts, placed up barbed wire and had machine guns ready at aim to fire at any intruder. Through years and years of small hails of bullets I had built a fortress ready for an attack. Suddenly, when I realized that attack wasn't coming, I could start taking down my defenses. The bitchy, standoffish self that I had become such great (and terrible) friends with was slowly fading away. It was a strange thing to realize that not only physically could I tackle these great feats of strength, but mentally I could encourage myself to keep fighting. When my body was aching and muscles were screaming to stop, I could take a step back, stare at the bar and tell myself to finish. Besides one medical set back which made jumping rope incredibly painful...I have finished every workout I have started. And when I started tackling what, at one time, had been impossible to me...I started tackling life in the same manner.
When all the war-ready barricades had been torn down and I stood there feeling naked and defenseless in what was once a hostile zone, I allowed myself to recognize and acknowledge what had been scaring me into hiding for so long. And when I surrendered to myself and waved my white flag, all of a sudden relief efforts were coming from all around me. In forms of friends, family and my incredibly understanding and patient fiance, they came to help me. They cleaned my wounds, let me recognize why I had been hiding, fed my inspiration, encouraged me to smile, put some clothes on me and walked me off the battlefield. And I really truly believe that a lot of the reason I was able to stand there asking for help in the first place, was because CrossFit gave me the strength to overcome any "WOD", physically and mentally.
My lifestyle now is healtier than it has ever been. I am physically active, willing to strive for everything I start and confident enough to tell myself "Bree, you CAN do this, you CAN finish this". I eat healthier, have more staminia and endurance to get through my days and feel better about myself. Mentally, I'm ready for anything you can throw at me. I've become happier, I understand why some things frighten me and feel that I have been given the tools and allowed the right people into my life to help me build things back up. The gears are clicking away and I feel that this unintentional change has set me on the path of "anything is possible".
I'm not sure what I want you to take away from this. Maybe that changing your lifestyle isn't as hard as you think. That overcoming physical and mental barriers can be difficult but inspiring. Let the right people and circumstances into your life, open yourself up to the beautiful changes that are occuring. Hopefully you too will find happiness, in whatever "WOD" you do today.
Namaste.
Brianna Saylor
People I think always assume that a lifestyle change is difficult. That it requires some metaphysical cosmic collision to ever work right. And although no one ever said changing years worth of habits and living would be easy...I found changing a lifestyle was actually way simpler than I had anticipated.
My lifestyle change occurred by accident. I never really set out with the idea to change my age-old habits of exercise, eating, sleeping and moody behavior, it just sort of occurred. I knew with my recent engagement that certain things needed adjusting, but I never assumed that my whole outlook on life would be so drastically altered. The shift started on my first day at CrossFit East Oahu. Not knowing what to expect, where to go, how to handle barbells and weights, wall balls and boxes and what the heck was a "WOD"?...I hesitantly stepped into my first class. After the first 3,2,1...go!...I knew I was hooked. The atmosphere, the people, the workout..it was all pleasantly different. The aching, the sore body, the "I can't figure out how to sit down and take a pee because its too much like a squat" feeling was surprisingly refreshing.
The first gears clicked into place of my new lifestyle change that fateful day...but they didn't start rolling and moving until a few weeks later. It started with 2 classes a week. Then I challenged myself to 3. Then 4. Then 5. All of a sudden I couldn't go enough and 6 and sometimes 7 days were the norm. I watched people around me that had been there longer and started making mental goals to hit. Little milestones that I wanted to achieve. The first one was cutting out certain foods, eating healthier and committing to a workout schedule.
When that was done I wanted to continually move up in weight until I could complete one workout of the day, "WOD", at RX weight (the prescribed weight). That benchmark came faster than I had expected. Ok...kipping pull-ups! You should YouTube that if you're not sure of what it is. I can do them now! Squat clean at 110lbs? Sure!! Heavier weight. Ok! 135lb backsquat, check. 190lb deadlift (technically 185lb counted because my grip slipped at 190, but I got it UP!). Check, check, check, check. Overhead squats, snatches, running, blisters and sore feet, shin splints and sweat...yes!
Certain things starting clicking and shifting and all of a sudden those gears were turning. Without even meaning to I had created a lifestyle change. I got excited about going to workout, to challenge myself into heavier weights, longer distances running, faster times. I wanted to go as long as I could on a fast, wanted to challenge myself to cut out certain sugars, refined foods and grains. I wanted to see the callused hands and blistered feet (and boy do I have those now). I wanted to be able to get my name on the board, I wanted to complete a workout without puking (which...luckily...I have yet to puke). The most motivating part of the process was not only the weights and endurance, but the physical changes I was starting to see in my body. Pants were getting lose, arms were getting stronger, thighs were becoming toned. I could look in the mirror and not have to suck it in. Sit down on the sand and know that I wasn't bulging out of a swimsuit.
I remember I tried on my wedding gown and told the lady "Wow, this has a great corset!"
To which she replied, "Oh no darling, this has no corset, that hour-glass shape is all you!" That was completely inspirational.
My accidental lifestyle change not only occurred physically, but also mentally. I started breaking down these barriers and walls that I had built without realizing it. It was almost as though I had built these barricades and dugouts, placed up barbed wire and had machine guns ready at aim to fire at any intruder. Through years and years of small hails of bullets I had built a fortress ready for an attack. Suddenly, when I realized that attack wasn't coming, I could start taking down my defenses. The bitchy, standoffish self that I had become such great (and terrible) friends with was slowly fading away. It was a strange thing to realize that not only physically could I tackle these great feats of strength, but mentally I could encourage myself to keep fighting. When my body was aching and muscles were screaming to stop, I could take a step back, stare at the bar and tell myself to finish. Besides one medical set back which made jumping rope incredibly painful...I have finished every workout I have started. And when I started tackling what, at one time, had been impossible to me...I started tackling life in the same manner.
When all the war-ready barricades had been torn down and I stood there feeling naked and defenseless in what was once a hostile zone, I allowed myself to recognize and acknowledge what had been scaring me into hiding for so long. And when I surrendered to myself and waved my white flag, all of a sudden relief efforts were coming from all around me. In forms of friends, family and my incredibly understanding and patient fiance, they came to help me. They cleaned my wounds, let me recognize why I had been hiding, fed my inspiration, encouraged me to smile, put some clothes on me and walked me off the battlefield. And I really truly believe that a lot of the reason I was able to stand there asking for help in the first place, was because CrossFit gave me the strength to overcome any "WOD", physically and mentally.
My lifestyle now is healtier than it has ever been. I am physically active, willing to strive for everything I start and confident enough to tell myself "Bree, you CAN do this, you CAN finish this". I eat healthier, have more staminia and endurance to get through my days and feel better about myself. Mentally, I'm ready for anything you can throw at me. I've become happier, I understand why some things frighten me and feel that I have been given the tools and allowed the right people into my life to help me build things back up. The gears are clicking away and I feel that this unintentional change has set me on the path of "anything is possible".
I'm not sure what I want you to take away from this. Maybe that changing your lifestyle isn't as hard as you think. That overcoming physical and mental barriers can be difficult but inspiring. Let the right people and circumstances into your life, open yourself up to the beautiful changes that are occuring. Hopefully you too will find happiness, in whatever "WOD" you do today.
Namaste.
Brianna Saylor
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