Life's a beach

Paradise can be lonely.

I successfully survived my first week of work at Sea Life Park Hawaii. I went into it on Monday morning feeling hopeful and excited, and left Monday afternoon feeling terrified and overwhelmed. I thought I had taken on more than I could handle and was concerned my qualifications weren't enough to prepare me for the tasks at hand. I came into a department that consisted of all of three people: myself, an ancient Japanese lady and my manager, who is quitting Feb 11th because of her pregnancy. She handed me a binder that was 10 inches thick, showed me a cubicle and basically said "read". Some of my tasks include hiring, firing, scheduling, orientating and creating new volunteer programs in three departments, outreaches for public programs, new lectures, teaching and creating and redesigning the park's already existing lecture-based k-12 classroom programs. My manager was in and out of the office the rest of the week and I was tossed head-first into crying volunteers, bleeding and cut interns and scheduling school groups.

Tuesday afternoon after aimlessly staring at my computer unsure of what to do, I decided to take a walk around the park and ran into the general manager. He knew immediately who I was and said that I was the "famous person from California, brought in to save the education department". My heart sank. What!? I worked part-time at the Aquarium of the Bay talking about fish! Before that I was a waitress and before THAT I was training! He said how he had to wait weeks to hire me because I was coming from San Francisco and Stephanie (my manager) had insisted that I was the best person for the job. He started asking me managerial questions...needless to say I smiled and nodded and did the best I could in terms of answering them and walked away feeling like a deflated balloon. What was I doing!?

Wednesday afternoon after another full day of questioning my abilities to perform the tasks at hand, I decided to just jump and make something happen. Thursday I came up with two projects and presented them to my manager and got the "Ok!" to start them. My first project is to get an Education Cart set up in the park where I can take on more volunteers to staff it and talk about marine conservation and answer questions about marine life. I emailed the Monterey Bay Aquarium to ask about becoming a partner in their Seafood Watch program, drew up a proposal for the Sales and Marketing Department and got them to replace a hole in my floor, a new computer monitor, hired on 2 new volunteers and started drawing up lectures and lesson plans for my outreach cart.

Needless to say when I left work yesterday I saw a ton of potential in my position and helping to make the park a more education-friendly area. I've gotten the green light from a bunch of management and now it's just a matter of taking it and running with it all the way to the finish line.

...but after all the stress and success this week...I still come home alone. I cook dinner for myself, watch tv by myself, drive my car by myself, go to sleep by myself and wake up by myself. I went out with friends last night and felt like I was finally back home and had a blast, but wishing someone was here and being able to share all of these experiences with me just makes me feel lonely.

Last night I looked up at the stars and smiled at all their twinkling faces. Today, I stood on a rocky outcropping with a dear friend of mine and looked towards the back of an ancient volcano. It was covered in green foliage and contrasted against the bright blue sky. The water bellow me was crystal blue and stretched to the horizon. Nothing but the sound of waves and laughter surrounded me. I jumped off a log into the sea and swam around a rocky reef. I laid on a white sand beach and hiked back through a trail of black sand. I had so much fun, I felt completely blessed. And all I could think about was you.

Then it hit me

I wasn't really that excited about moving back until yesterday. I guess it's wrong for me to say that I wasn't excited, I was. It just hadn't hit me yet. I had everything packed in San Jose, cried saying goodbye to Tyler and his mom, drove the 5 long hours with the comfort of the cat on my lap and got in to LA Tuesday night. I spent the following days unpacking, repacking, unpacking and repacking again. Once everything FINALLY fit into 2 bags (which still had to be shuffled around at the airport), I still didn't feel like I was moving. There were all my bags, everything in my life AGAIN stowed away into TSA regulation sized suitcases, and it hadn't hit me yet.

I continued the goodbyes throughout Thursday and Friday and kept reassuring my cat that he would be loved and missed but well taken care of by my parents. Friday afternoon I was sitting in LAX in a very crowded Gate 22. I called Tyler and looked up at the screen. Hawaiian Airlines Flight HA9 non-stop service to Honolulu. I got choked up. I was alone. I was moving. I was going. Again. That's when it hit me.

I felt better on the airplane, I sat next to a woman from Orlando who was almost 70 and flew every year to see her grandkids in Ewa Beach. We chatted and made the flight go by much quicker by joking about the geckos in the HawaiianSkies magazine. When I saw the lights of Honolulu brighten up the plane as we made our final decent, I got nervous. Then, it hit me again. This was the first time I was completely on my own moving.

With the grace of good friends I've made it to Saturday night. It's 8:30 Hawaii time, but 10:30 Pacific time...and boy I didn't sleep much last night. I'm exhausted from moving. But I got everything worked out. I have my cute, but small, studio in Hawaii Kai...my old, but running well, truck from Teare...and I start my job on Monday morning. I bought groceries (forgot how expensive Hawaii is!) and plan on either hiking Koko Head tomorrow..WHICH I LIVE CLOSE TO!! :)...or surfing.

Now that I have a few minutes to myself, guess what, it hit me...I'm where people save up years to vacation...and I'm living here. I'm so blessed to have full-time work in a field that I am passionate about especially in an economy like we have today. I am grateful for a roof over my head, especially when it has a view of the mountains. I could not have done it at all without Tyler.

And he's all the way in San Jose. Not even getting to enjoy any of this. The apartment he paid rent for, the car he purchased...nothing.

And of course, it hits me, I miss him like crazy. I've done this before, lived far away from him. Our relationship has spent more time spanning miles across the globe than it has in the same time zone. Once again I'm more than 2000 miles away from him. I thought this may be easier this time around, but I know how it feels to miss him and this time it is really hard.

And despite all I have and all I can get and all I have done and can do and will do...I can't help feeling horribly alone. I'm surrounded by people and friends on a beautiful warm island with clear blue water and sunny skies and there is just one person I want here so badly that isn't.

Come on. Hit me with it...February 10th can't come fast enough.

Once again

Once again, my life is about to change. It's weird to think that all of those times I've packed my life into and out of boxes, that THIS time I'm struggling to make everything fit. My one suitcase weighs just barely under 50 pounds and the other is packed completely full, luckily under 40. I still have to finish unpacking a box and scrape wax off my surfboard...and I fly at 5:05 tomorrow afternoon.

This time tomorrow night I'll be on Oahu again. I'll be completely alone...besides of course my wonderful friends. I just have to sort out housing and car stuff and than start work on Monday...eek!

20 days 16 hours 4 mins and 18 seconds.

We're breaking up...

Dear San Francisco,

I am breaking up with you.

No, no, no! It's not your fault. Really, it's me. I really enjoyed my job, it was great being able to work with all the fish and the public. I really liked talking about sea bass and sharks and sea lions and stuff. You were always kind of the "dream" city, and we did it...we had fun, right? I did enjoy all those good times we had with that big Christmas tree and all those pretty lights. I'll never forget your foghorns or the way you look all bundled up in the mist early in the morning. And boy...you DO look good at night! But you see, it's just not going to work out.

I live in San Jose, your good neighbor, and I really enjoy San Jose. But the two hour drive to and from you with all your traffic is annoying. Your one-way streets, all of 3 gas stations, high parking prices and unfriendly commuter routes really started to rub me the wrong way. I smiled, and bared it, because I thought maybe things would change. But you never did San Francisco, you never did. It's great you won the World Series, but the congestion you caused along The Embarcadero in order to celebrate was SLIGHTLY ridiculous. Look, we had some great times, the Golden Gate is nice, I really love the Bay Bridge...but...I have to be honest...there's someone else.

I'm getting back together with my ex, Oahu. Oahu's great! Oahu has sunny beaches and clear blue water and tropical fish. I can wear a bathing suit. A BATHING SUIT, SAN FRANCISCO! Do you even know what that is?? Oahu makes me HAPPY! Oahu has rain forests and DAMN you should see Waikiki during the summer...MMMM! Big waves, good weather and did I tell you? Oahu is going to support me. Money San Francisco, money! Do you remember that little thing you promised but never pulled through on? No part-time bs. Full-time. Education. Sea Life Park!

So...we can still be friends right? I'll visit. I mean, I think you're a great vacation spot. But...right now, this just isn't going to work out.

Alright, going to go pack, I got a hot date on the 21st with Oahu. We're going snorkeling.

Love always,

Bree