Be forewarned. This is a rant.
I am frustrated and feel like everything is collapsing and falling in and no matter how much I tell myself that this is okay and I am okay and this situation is okay...I keep panicking. Tonight I had massive anxiety attack over nothing in particular (granted in that moment it seemed catastrophic) but it was just the overwhelmingness of everything. I tend to make mountains out of molehills or so the saying goes.
I freaked out over the fact that the work is scarce, the money tree has frozen over with the season, the Christmas presents seem to be taunting me, the wedding seems over done, the "place of my own" seems like a far away dream, the school seems to be playing keep-away and I just can't seem to make my mind up on colors and tuxedos. I think I would have been okay but the damn Christmas tree WOULD NOT light and that just threw me into a fit and I started to blame the Christmas tree and got mad at Tyler and my mom and threw off my Santa hat and stormed out of the room and just absolutely freaking lost it.
I suppose now that I can breathe (and feel the pounding headache)...I don't know what to do. I thought writing would make me feel better. It doesn't. I thought sitting here and relaxing might calm me. Not really.
So. I guess I'm done. I've never really done this. Sat down, not known what to write. But...there is a first time for everything. I guess I just wanted to tell you how ANGRY that Christmas tree made me.
The end.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
It is the same ocean.
If I stand on the edge of the great Pacific, stretch my hands outward in front of me and squint my eyes really hard, can I make out those islands in the sun? Can I scan those 2,000 some miles to reach the golden sand beaches of Waikiki? Can it be a finger stretch away from being just out of reach?
What beach is this? What sand is this? What water is this? What sky is this?
Dearest mind, one month ago this beach was Kailua. This sand was coral that had been rolled gently along waves until it broke into tiny remnants of what was once a reef. This water was tropical and blue. This sky was the sun leaving behind the glows of another Hawaiian day. But lovely heart, today this beach is Ventura. This sand is years of rocky coast being churned over and over as it is pulled along the California byte system. This water is cool and green. This is the fog-quilted blue sky of Southern California. Those islands in the sun are closer than 2,000 miles, those are the Channel Islands, not the Hawaiian Islands.
But look heart, look mind, look soul. See this ocean? See the grand Pacific? See this musky green? Remember that vibrant blue? It is the same. This is the same. This is the Pacific, this is the same ocean. This ocean has touched the shores of Oahu and caressed the sands of Japan. This ocean has skimmed over reef in Indonesia, stopped for a visit in Australia and frolicked with penguins along Peru. It has been cooled by the Arctic waters and Alaskan glaciers and warmed by South Pacific beaches. This water is now here at your feet, as you stand on the beach in California. This Pacific is no different than what it was anywhere else in the world. This water is the Pacific, it may have been the Atlantic, dabbled in the Indian and spent time in the Mediterranean. The single water molecule that has bobbed in this ocean may have sailed all seven seas. Humans have put the names of the oceans on maps, but it is all one ocean. One fluid system of water working together. This is the Pacific, that is the Arctic, here is the great trenches and rises and plains and abysses. But this is all the same ocean.
So if I stand on the edge of the great Pacific and stretch my hands outward and squint my eyes really hard, yes...I can see those islands and all the other lands that this ocean has touched. But if I stand on the edge of the Pacific and place my hands at my side and close my eyes....I am exactly where I need to be. In this moment. On this shore. I have traveled with this ocean, with all the oceans, with all the water. I have been fluid and motionless and connected and distant. I have worked like the gyre systems of these great seas. I have sunk to cool off and rose to be heated by the sun just to move around this great planet of ours. And now, like my beloved ocean, I can rest momentarily (or indefinitely) on a shore. Like a message in a bottle or a coconut washed up on a remote landscape; this is where the ocean has brought me.
This is where I will stay until the next tidal change.
It is the same ocean after all.
What beach is this? What sand is this? What water is this? What sky is this?
Dearest mind, one month ago this beach was Kailua. This sand was coral that had been rolled gently along waves until it broke into tiny remnants of what was once a reef. This water was tropical and blue. This sky was the sun leaving behind the glows of another Hawaiian day. But lovely heart, today this beach is Ventura. This sand is years of rocky coast being churned over and over as it is pulled along the California byte system. This water is cool and green. This is the fog-quilted blue sky of Southern California. Those islands in the sun are closer than 2,000 miles, those are the Channel Islands, not the Hawaiian Islands.
But look heart, look mind, look soul. See this ocean? See the grand Pacific? See this musky green? Remember that vibrant blue? It is the same. This is the same. This is the Pacific, this is the same ocean. This ocean has touched the shores of Oahu and caressed the sands of Japan. This ocean has skimmed over reef in Indonesia, stopped for a visit in Australia and frolicked with penguins along Peru. It has been cooled by the Arctic waters and Alaskan glaciers and warmed by South Pacific beaches. This water is now here at your feet, as you stand on the beach in California. This Pacific is no different than what it was anywhere else in the world. This water is the Pacific, it may have been the Atlantic, dabbled in the Indian and spent time in the Mediterranean. The single water molecule that has bobbed in this ocean may have sailed all seven seas. Humans have put the names of the oceans on maps, but it is all one ocean. One fluid system of water working together. This is the Pacific, that is the Arctic, here is the great trenches and rises and plains and abysses. But this is all the same ocean.
So if I stand on the edge of the great Pacific and stretch my hands outward and squint my eyes really hard, yes...I can see those islands and all the other lands that this ocean has touched. But if I stand on the edge of the Pacific and place my hands at my side and close my eyes....I am exactly where I need to be. In this moment. On this shore. I have traveled with this ocean, with all the oceans, with all the water. I have been fluid and motionless and connected and distant. I have worked like the gyre systems of these great seas. I have sunk to cool off and rose to be heated by the sun just to move around this great planet of ours. And now, like my beloved ocean, I can rest momentarily (or indefinitely) on a shore. Like a message in a bottle or a coconut washed up on a remote landscape; this is where the ocean has brought me.
This is where I will stay until the next tidal change.
It is the same ocean after all.
Monday, October 3, 2011
I can take it with me
It was raining. So I drank red wine.
I packed the rest of my things, set aside three days worth of clothes and some WOD gear, literally and metaphorically. I zipped my suitcases, closed the box and put them next to my carry-on and my wedding gown. I made dinner. I found ingredients in the pantry and freezer that were going to go bad if I didn't use them and threw them in a pan. I sat down with red wine, ate dinner alone and watched tv. I got up, cleaned up and went to take a shower. I undressed like a slob, not realizing how quickly the wine had caught up to me and stepped into the shower. The hot water hit me and it was like those scenes from a moving where your life flashes in front of your eyes. That moment when it all comes rushing back to you. When you see where you have gone, what you have been doing and question why you are doing it. I can almost here the music as it came rushing back to the shower. Cut to scene: girl in shower, sunburn, naked, hot water...frightened expression on her bewildered face. Cue the tears. Action.
It was raining. So I drank red wine. I packed, made dinner and took a shower. I questioned what the hell I was doing. And I cried.
I told Tyler that it wouldn't be the end of me crying a few weeks ago when I finally booked my ticket. But I thought that I was ready to go? I thought that I was over this, that I had convinced myself that I was freeing myself from the torment and sudden punch in the mouth that Oahu had delivered YET AGAIN. Like a really sexy abusive boyfriend I keep returning to thinking I can tame the "bad boy", I run back to this island begging for forgiveness for ever doubting and ever leaving, only to get socked in the eye, punched in the mouth, thrown out and spit on. Again. And again. And again and did I mention this was the third time coming and fourth time leaving this damn place??
So I got out of the shower and sat on the toilet and looked up. I spoke to any higher power of God, energies, deceased relatives and amakua. "Give me the strength to walk away. Give me the strength to walk away from this life I've created, from these people, from these material possessions I feel claim my life. Give me the strength to leave this island. Give me the strength to walk away from CrossFit East Oahu, from my friends, from this home I created. Please, please, please!" I sobbed, closed my eyes and opened them again. I was staring face to face with my reflection. I stopped crying for a moment and took it in...
My eyes get puffy when I cry and my lips tend to pout ridiculously. My hair was wet but it was really long and pulled back behind my shoulders. On my collar was a tan line from yesterday. Some hideous sunburn I had gotten while doing the CrossFit throwdown. It clashed with my bathingsuit tan. I lifted my arm to wipe my eyes and noticed the definition of muscle. I leaned my head on my hand and saw it again. I stood up and noticed my abs were tight, my tanlines were visible, my hair was uncut and lightened from the years in the sun. There was a bruise on my shoulders, tender marks on my ribcage from where heavy weights had fallen on them. My hands were callused, my feet were raw. On my left hand was a brilliant sparkle that caught my eye. All of a sudden I got a feeling...that moment when it all comes rushing back to you. When you see where you have gone, what you have been doing and question why you are doing it...
Oahu isn't only inside of my soul and stamped into my being, but it has manifested itself on my body. I will forever carry with me my friends from CrossFit East Oahu. Their imprint is there. It is on my chest, visible in my bruise from the weight. It is rippling inside the fiber of the muscles they have formed on me. These are my muscles on my body, but they belong to Rose and Keoni. This is a product of their commitment and time invested on my body. This tanline, although it may fade, is the Hawaiian sun smiling down on my skin. Each line a visible representation of a moment of bliss under its rays. A surf session here, a competition there. These callused hands have gripped bars, carried children and waxed boards. They have shook the hands and hugged the people of friends that will forever be apart of me. These feet, as raw as they are, are formed from hours in the gym, running on sand, walking barefoot around my yard and over gravel and hot lava rock. My hair is long because I didn't want to pay to cut it here, where the weather is so perfect I don't need to bother drying it. My eyes may be reflecting the tired I feel from these weeks but I know at least I have somewhere to rest them thanks to friends. My smile may be hidden by sorrow but I know I smile broader because I have known true love. Every time I see the ring on my left hand I will be back on Waikiki beach in a thunder storm.
These physical proofs of life on this aina make me feel like I can take another step closer to that Hawaiian Airlines gate. That gate where I know a plane will be waiting, my name assigned to a seat, non-stop service to Portland, Oregon. I know that on the other side of that gate will be my dad and my brother, waiting with a jacket and smiles to grab my bags, listen to my stories and carry me off to a week of peace. Those same people will see me to Los Angeles, where there will be my mom, my friends, my family and my cousins inviting me with open arms back to my childhood home. Pretty soon I will extend the same warmth, the same aloha to Tyler as we start our new life and our new adventure on the golden beaches of southern California. We can be ambassadors of aloha, like we were shown last night by our friends gathered around that beautiful Hawaiian sunset. This isn't goodbye, this is only a temporary parting.
The lei I gave Tyler on his first day arriving at the airport is hanging in the gym, awaiting the return of its owner. The leis we were given last night will one day hang in our own gym, awaiting the return of their owners. The spirit of aloha will be alive in all of us as we journey through this life. As a welcoming gesture to all who step foot inside our homes, our workplaces, our private and personal lives, aloha will live on. CrossFit Aloha anyone?
I can walk away. Only because I can take it with me.
I packed the rest of my things, set aside three days worth of clothes and some WOD gear, literally and metaphorically. I zipped my suitcases, closed the box and put them next to my carry-on and my wedding gown. I made dinner. I found ingredients in the pantry and freezer that were going to go bad if I didn't use them and threw them in a pan. I sat down with red wine, ate dinner alone and watched tv. I got up, cleaned up and went to take a shower. I undressed like a slob, not realizing how quickly the wine had caught up to me and stepped into the shower. The hot water hit me and it was like those scenes from a moving where your life flashes in front of your eyes. That moment when it all comes rushing back to you. When you see where you have gone, what you have been doing and question why you are doing it. I can almost here the music as it came rushing back to the shower. Cut to scene: girl in shower, sunburn, naked, hot water...frightened expression on her bewildered face. Cue the tears. Action.
It was raining. So I drank red wine. I packed, made dinner and took a shower. I questioned what the hell I was doing. And I cried.
I told Tyler that it wouldn't be the end of me crying a few weeks ago when I finally booked my ticket. But I thought that I was ready to go? I thought that I was over this, that I had convinced myself that I was freeing myself from the torment and sudden punch in the mouth that Oahu had delivered YET AGAIN. Like a really sexy abusive boyfriend I keep returning to thinking I can tame the "bad boy", I run back to this island begging for forgiveness for ever doubting and ever leaving, only to get socked in the eye, punched in the mouth, thrown out and spit on. Again. And again. And again and did I mention this was the third time coming and fourth time leaving this damn place??
So I got out of the shower and sat on the toilet and looked up. I spoke to any higher power of God, energies, deceased relatives and amakua. "Give me the strength to walk away. Give me the strength to walk away from this life I've created, from these people, from these material possessions I feel claim my life. Give me the strength to leave this island. Give me the strength to walk away from CrossFit East Oahu, from my friends, from this home I created. Please, please, please!" I sobbed, closed my eyes and opened them again. I was staring face to face with my reflection. I stopped crying for a moment and took it in...
My eyes get puffy when I cry and my lips tend to pout ridiculously. My hair was wet but it was really long and pulled back behind my shoulders. On my collar was a tan line from yesterday. Some hideous sunburn I had gotten while doing the CrossFit throwdown. It clashed with my bathingsuit tan. I lifted my arm to wipe my eyes and noticed the definition of muscle. I leaned my head on my hand and saw it again. I stood up and noticed my abs were tight, my tanlines were visible, my hair was uncut and lightened from the years in the sun. There was a bruise on my shoulders, tender marks on my ribcage from where heavy weights had fallen on them. My hands were callused, my feet were raw. On my left hand was a brilliant sparkle that caught my eye. All of a sudden I got a feeling...that moment when it all comes rushing back to you. When you see where you have gone, what you have been doing and question why you are doing it...
Oahu isn't only inside of my soul and stamped into my being, but it has manifested itself on my body. I will forever carry with me my friends from CrossFit East Oahu. Their imprint is there. It is on my chest, visible in my bruise from the weight. It is rippling inside the fiber of the muscles they have formed on me. These are my muscles on my body, but they belong to Rose and Keoni. This is a product of their commitment and time invested on my body. This tanline, although it may fade, is the Hawaiian sun smiling down on my skin. Each line a visible representation of a moment of bliss under its rays. A surf session here, a competition there. These callused hands have gripped bars, carried children and waxed boards. They have shook the hands and hugged the people of friends that will forever be apart of me. These feet, as raw as they are, are formed from hours in the gym, running on sand, walking barefoot around my yard and over gravel and hot lava rock. My hair is long because I didn't want to pay to cut it here, where the weather is so perfect I don't need to bother drying it. My eyes may be reflecting the tired I feel from these weeks but I know at least I have somewhere to rest them thanks to friends. My smile may be hidden by sorrow but I know I smile broader because I have known true love. Every time I see the ring on my left hand I will be back on Waikiki beach in a thunder storm.
These physical proofs of life on this aina make me feel like I can take another step closer to that Hawaiian Airlines gate. That gate where I know a plane will be waiting, my name assigned to a seat, non-stop service to Portland, Oregon. I know that on the other side of that gate will be my dad and my brother, waiting with a jacket and smiles to grab my bags, listen to my stories and carry me off to a week of peace. Those same people will see me to Los Angeles, where there will be my mom, my friends, my family and my cousins inviting me with open arms back to my childhood home. Pretty soon I will extend the same warmth, the same aloha to Tyler as we start our new life and our new adventure on the golden beaches of southern California. We can be ambassadors of aloha, like we were shown last night by our friends gathered around that beautiful Hawaiian sunset. This isn't goodbye, this is only a temporary parting.
The lei I gave Tyler on his first day arriving at the airport is hanging in the gym, awaiting the return of its owner. The leis we were given last night will one day hang in our own gym, awaiting the return of their owners. The spirit of aloha will be alive in all of us as we journey through this life. As a welcoming gesture to all who step foot inside our homes, our workplaces, our private and personal lives, aloha will live on. CrossFit Aloha anyone?
I can walk away. Only because I can take it with me.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Lessons learned
I don't know who I am writing to, or where my audience is, nay...WHO my audience is...but I'm pretty sure I'm doing this for myself. It is my way of redirecting these screaming thoughts onto something tangible. As volatile as my life was this week, I know that this is the rough water to get to the smooth passage and I don't want to miss even a moment of this part of my life. Because from great turmoil comes lessons that every life needs to learn. And I don't want to lose out on those lessons. No matter how painful this moment is, was or may be, I can still grow and learn. Why pass up an opportunity to learn and become wiser?
From this situation I have learned many things...things that maybe won't make sense to me until days, weeks, months, years later. But of this time there are few things that hold prominent in my head:
I have found the true meaning of home. Last night, sitting on a beach with my dear friend Claudette, Tyler and I, I had a moment of profound happiness. In those quickly fleeting moments on a beautiful twilight-filled Kalama beach, I sat hand in hand facing Tyler on a blanket in the sand. We closed our eyes, touched our foreheads and encircled each other in emerald green light. I was supposed to be focusing on the future, but my present was too pronounced for me to ignore. Though my head was clear, my heart was speaking and I just let it jabber as much as it needed. It told me that everything is ok, that I can let go, that this time in my life can be looked back upon with only happiness and pleasant memories. That what I thought was home, was only a lesson and that my true home was more than a physical place. Suddenly I grinned from ear to ear, wider than I had all week and the sound of the waves, the brushing of the wind against my face, the voice of Claudette, all faded away. There was nothing more that I needed, nothing more that mattered than my home. More than body, and the metaphysical, in a way that I can't describe (because I'm half convinced the words don't exist in the English language) I knew that home was in front of my eyes. Not the sand, not the surf, not even the stars, but the soul that resided in the body in front of me. Behind closed lids I could see more clearly than if my eyes were to be open. I knew at that moment that I could be anywhere, go anywhere and be at home. The stars will be the same, it is always the same ocean...and this soul I have known for many lives has known mine. There is more to the meaning "home is wherever your heart is" than I ever knew. I wander this Earth looking for home and little did I know that it was here in the form of another soul. I never question or judge when this soul is around and all the reasons I have been searching for have been found. Dear heart, please rest, we are home.
I have learned that losing control of certain parts of my life really effect me. Who knew I was such a control freak? Ok, fine, more than most. But this is a lesson in letting life and karma/circumstance/rolling with the punches take control. I can not control every aspect. I can project a positive or negative energy but I need to learn to be like water around a stone. I also learned that certain things are taken so easily for granted; falling asleep in your own bed, making your own schedule of when to wake up, eat, etc...living life on my own time and my own money and schedule apparently meant more to me than I thought. But the thing that I dislike the most about losing control is not being able to fall asleep next to Tyler. Knowing that he is there but on the opposite side of a couch is terrible. I wish that upon no one. I can't wait for the day we can fall asleep on our time, in our own bed, wake up to our own pace, eat with our own food, shower with our own water and live on our own money. Don't take this for granted!
I have learned that letting go of things can be hard...the lifestyle, the island, the warm water, the surf, the people. Saying goodbye to friends and family is never easy. Letting go of the Ko'olau Mountains, Baby Maks, Manoa valley, Waikiki beach and Maunalua Bay. I have to let you go. I have no unhealthy thoughts about you, I love you, therefore I have to let you go. Rain drops that give way to sunny skies and rainbows over jungled driveways and the salty warm air of the cliffs, I have to let you go. To the tropical waters and the coral reefs of Maui I have to let you go. To the volcano on Big Island, the waterfalls of Kaua'i I have to let you go. It is not my time, it is someone else's. Inspire them, teach them to love you the way that I did. And have. But because there is nothing but love, I can let you go. I can stand back and live through those that are stepping wide-eyed off a plane onto your sun-drenched shores. I can hope that they live the same that I did...truly. I hope they learn the meaning of hard work and be inspired by the beauty that is all around them. I hope they learn that family is important and so are these islands. I hope they can grow and watch over the 'aina. I hope they learn the meaning of aloha and feel the moist air coming across the ocean, from Diamond Head's cliffs and over to Sandy's. I hope they can sit in the clear water in Waimea and dive deep, be still, and listen to the whales make their annual journey to your water. I really hope they love you as much as I have. And when their time comes to let you go, I hope it is easier than when I have had to, and that they feel as much love in leaving you as I do. Hawai'i nei, you will always be with me, but until we meet again...aloha a hui hou.
There. I've done it. I've let go. I can leave peacefully and only hold happiness in my heart this time as we part ways. Your energy will draw me back to you always, as will many others. But this time my beautiful islands, I can go with a happy heart. Despite the pain, I know these are lessons I needed to learn. Mother California, you have waited so patiently for my return. You have been there all along with open arms, smiling and inviting me back. I'm coming and I'm taking my home with me.
California, once again, here I come...always...right back where I started from.
From this situation I have learned many things...things that maybe won't make sense to me until days, weeks, months, years later. But of this time there are few things that hold prominent in my head:
I have found the true meaning of home. Last night, sitting on a beach with my dear friend Claudette, Tyler and I, I had a moment of profound happiness. In those quickly fleeting moments on a beautiful twilight-filled Kalama beach, I sat hand in hand facing Tyler on a blanket in the sand. We closed our eyes, touched our foreheads and encircled each other in emerald green light. I was supposed to be focusing on the future, but my present was too pronounced for me to ignore. Though my head was clear, my heart was speaking and I just let it jabber as much as it needed. It told me that everything is ok, that I can let go, that this time in my life can be looked back upon with only happiness and pleasant memories. That what I thought was home, was only a lesson and that my true home was more than a physical place. Suddenly I grinned from ear to ear, wider than I had all week and the sound of the waves, the brushing of the wind against my face, the voice of Claudette, all faded away. There was nothing more that I needed, nothing more that mattered than my home. More than body, and the metaphysical, in a way that I can't describe (because I'm half convinced the words don't exist in the English language) I knew that home was in front of my eyes. Not the sand, not the surf, not even the stars, but the soul that resided in the body in front of me. Behind closed lids I could see more clearly than if my eyes were to be open. I knew at that moment that I could be anywhere, go anywhere and be at home. The stars will be the same, it is always the same ocean...and this soul I have known for many lives has known mine. There is more to the meaning "home is wherever your heart is" than I ever knew. I wander this Earth looking for home and little did I know that it was here in the form of another soul. I never question or judge when this soul is around and all the reasons I have been searching for have been found. Dear heart, please rest, we are home.
I have learned that losing control of certain parts of my life really effect me. Who knew I was such a control freak? Ok, fine, more than most. But this is a lesson in letting life and karma/circumstance/rolling with the punches take control. I can not control every aspect. I can project a positive or negative energy but I need to learn to be like water around a stone. I also learned that certain things are taken so easily for granted; falling asleep in your own bed, making your own schedule of when to wake up, eat, etc...living life on my own time and my own money and schedule apparently meant more to me than I thought. But the thing that I dislike the most about losing control is not being able to fall asleep next to Tyler. Knowing that he is there but on the opposite side of a couch is terrible. I wish that upon no one. I can't wait for the day we can fall asleep on our time, in our own bed, wake up to our own pace, eat with our own food, shower with our own water and live on our own money. Don't take this for granted!
I have learned that letting go of things can be hard...the lifestyle, the island, the warm water, the surf, the people. Saying goodbye to friends and family is never easy. Letting go of the Ko'olau Mountains, Baby Maks, Manoa valley, Waikiki beach and Maunalua Bay. I have to let you go. I have no unhealthy thoughts about you, I love you, therefore I have to let you go. Rain drops that give way to sunny skies and rainbows over jungled driveways and the salty warm air of the cliffs, I have to let you go. To the tropical waters and the coral reefs of Maui I have to let you go. To the volcano on Big Island, the waterfalls of Kaua'i I have to let you go. It is not my time, it is someone else's. Inspire them, teach them to love you the way that I did. And have. But because there is nothing but love, I can let you go. I can stand back and live through those that are stepping wide-eyed off a plane onto your sun-drenched shores. I can hope that they live the same that I did...truly. I hope they learn the meaning of hard work and be inspired by the beauty that is all around them. I hope they learn that family is important and so are these islands. I hope they can grow and watch over the 'aina. I hope they learn the meaning of aloha and feel the moist air coming across the ocean, from Diamond Head's cliffs and over to Sandy's. I hope they can sit in the clear water in Waimea and dive deep, be still, and listen to the whales make their annual journey to your water. I really hope they love you as much as I have. And when their time comes to let you go, I hope it is easier than when I have had to, and that they feel as much love in leaving you as I do. Hawai'i nei, you will always be with me, but until we meet again...aloha a hui hou.
There. I've done it. I've let go. I can leave peacefully and only hold happiness in my heart this time as we part ways. Your energy will draw me back to you always, as will many others. But this time my beautiful islands, I can go with a happy heart. Despite the pain, I know these are lessons I needed to learn. Mother California, you have waited so patiently for my return. You have been there all along with open arms, smiling and inviting me back. I'm coming and I'm taking my home with me.
California, once again, here I come...always...right back where I started from.
Friday, September 23, 2011
I love you, therefore I am
I love you.
Not only would I die for you, take a bullet for you and all other cliche terms, but I will clean your dirty underwear off the floor and wash your dishes. I will promise to feed you, clothe you and rub your head when you are sick. I love you in a way that I can't describe without beginning to feel emotional. I promise to always inspire your dreams and encourage your ambitions. I love you therefore I will listen to your hours of video games and even buy you more to encourage it. I love you so I will do your laundry, clean your dishes and scrub your toilet. Yes I said it, I'll make you a sandwich.
I know you enjoy listening to your music loud and you will eat all the tortilla chips in the bag in one sitting. I know your allergies (or what you used to be allergic to) and therefore can't buy pistachios for myself anymore. Shirt sizes are particular to you and one day you hope to grow a full beard for playoff season. I know that you feel better in the ocean than you do doing anything else and that you are an incredibly talented musician. I like to imagine I amuse you with my ridiculous dancing and freaking out over animals, because it always makes you laugh. And that laugh is something I would pay money to be able to listen to everyday. I love you from your flat feet to your curly cow-lick and wouldn't change a thing about you. I know that you want to help people and you are wonderful at being approachable because you radiate charm and confidence. People are drawn to you like a moth to a flame. I know that you can cook a mean steak, although I'll never eat it, I believe you. You look so dashing in your uniform but I love you in your boardshorts and you make me swoon when you put on a button-up.
I love you so I have opened myself to situations that used to be frightening to me. I love you because you tell "I'm here and I will never let anything happen to you." I love you so I have taken into consideration circumstances that at one point I had sworn off altogether. You have never given me a reason to doubt you, only a reason to see that this is the right situation for us to be in right now at this moment in time.
I love you so I will never forget the snowy parking lot, the thin Coastie staring back at me. I will never forget the wind chimes in Santa Barbara and the ice cream on the pier. I will never forget the Silicon Valley Humane Society and that incredibly sick drive up to San Jose. I will never forget trying to figure out how to sleep comfortably on a twin bed. I'll never forget Honolulu airport and the exhilaration I felt at seeing your face. I love you and I will always hold dear Waikiki beach during a thunderstorm and the pink lightening that was lighting up the sky couldn't do justice to the explosions of love I was feeling inside my heart. I'll never forget watching you come alive as you teach a class and the power you posses. I will never forget how you held my hand and told me everything will be ok, stood me up and walked me to the car when all I wanted to do was lay down and cry. I will never forget the epiphany of knowing that home for me doesn't have to be a physical foundation, but one person and the relationships that we carry for each other. That home and love stretch across time, space and distance and that the web of passion you can feel flexes and retracts in a perfectly orchestrated dance that leaves neither of us feeling alone no matter where in the world one is in relevance to the other.
I love you in ways that I never thought were possible for a human to feel towards another. I love you so I will sacrifice parts of myself to let you shine. I love you so I will sit back and watch you sparkle in the best way you can. I love you so I will do my best to be my best and make the best of not the best. For all the ways that you have held me calm and straight, I will one day be able to do for you. I love you so I will be the mirror that reflects your light, because I know one day you will hold the mirror for me. I love your encouragement, your laughter, your pride and your optimism. I love you and I will return all the love that you have shown me tenfold. I love you and I will try to give you everything that I can manage to give. I'll plant seeds in your heart and water them until they turn into giant trees. I'll stay anywhere in the world as long as it sparks a fire in your soul that feels "meant to be". In the end, I'll reach to you from where time just can't go.
I love you so I will take your name and wear it proud. I love you so I will give you all of myself and absorb all of what you can give me. I love you more than walls and windows and more than here or there. I loved you once, I love you now and I will love you again. I love you more than this place, than this time, than this situation. Yet in this place, I've learned to love you more than I have ever known, in this time I know I love you more than ever have and in this situation you have shown me that you love me more than I have ever imagined. In the next place I will love you more than I do now, in the next time I will know that I love you more than I did yesterday and in the next situation you will show me that you love again.
I love you, therefore I am.
Not only would I die for you, take a bullet for you and all other cliche terms, but I will clean your dirty underwear off the floor and wash your dishes. I will promise to feed you, clothe you and rub your head when you are sick. I love you in a way that I can't describe without beginning to feel emotional. I promise to always inspire your dreams and encourage your ambitions. I love you therefore I will listen to your hours of video games and even buy you more to encourage it. I love you so I will do your laundry, clean your dishes and scrub your toilet. Yes I said it, I'll make you a sandwich.
I know you enjoy listening to your music loud and you will eat all the tortilla chips in the bag in one sitting. I know your allergies (or what you used to be allergic to) and therefore can't buy pistachios for myself anymore. Shirt sizes are particular to you and one day you hope to grow a full beard for playoff season. I know that you feel better in the ocean than you do doing anything else and that you are an incredibly talented musician. I like to imagine I amuse you with my ridiculous dancing and freaking out over animals, because it always makes you laugh. And that laugh is something I would pay money to be able to listen to everyday. I love you from your flat feet to your curly cow-lick and wouldn't change a thing about you. I know that you want to help people and you are wonderful at being approachable because you radiate charm and confidence. People are drawn to you like a moth to a flame. I know that you can cook a mean steak, although I'll never eat it, I believe you. You look so dashing in your uniform but I love you in your boardshorts and you make me swoon when you put on a button-up.
I love you so I have opened myself to situations that used to be frightening to me. I love you because you tell "I'm here and I will never let anything happen to you." I love you so I have taken into consideration circumstances that at one point I had sworn off altogether. You have never given me a reason to doubt you, only a reason to see that this is the right situation for us to be in right now at this moment in time.
I love you so I will never forget the snowy parking lot, the thin Coastie staring back at me. I will never forget the wind chimes in Santa Barbara and the ice cream on the pier. I will never forget the Silicon Valley Humane Society and that incredibly sick drive up to San Jose. I will never forget trying to figure out how to sleep comfortably on a twin bed. I'll never forget Honolulu airport and the exhilaration I felt at seeing your face. I love you and I will always hold dear Waikiki beach during a thunderstorm and the pink lightening that was lighting up the sky couldn't do justice to the explosions of love I was feeling inside my heart. I'll never forget watching you come alive as you teach a class and the power you posses. I will never forget how you held my hand and told me everything will be ok, stood me up and walked me to the car when all I wanted to do was lay down and cry. I will never forget the epiphany of knowing that home for me doesn't have to be a physical foundation, but one person and the relationships that we carry for each other. That home and love stretch across time, space and distance and that the web of passion you can feel flexes and retracts in a perfectly orchestrated dance that leaves neither of us feeling alone no matter where in the world one is in relevance to the other.
I love you in ways that I never thought were possible for a human to feel towards another. I love you so I will sacrifice parts of myself to let you shine. I love you so I will sit back and watch you sparkle in the best way you can. I love you so I will do my best to be my best and make the best of not the best. For all the ways that you have held me calm and straight, I will one day be able to do for you. I love you so I will be the mirror that reflects your light, because I know one day you will hold the mirror for me. I love your encouragement, your laughter, your pride and your optimism. I love you and I will return all the love that you have shown me tenfold. I love you and I will try to give you everything that I can manage to give. I'll plant seeds in your heart and water them until they turn into giant trees. I'll stay anywhere in the world as long as it sparks a fire in your soul that feels "meant to be". In the end, I'll reach to you from where time just can't go.
I love you so I will take your name and wear it proud. I love you so I will give you all of myself and absorb all of what you can give me. I love you more than walls and windows and more than here or there. I loved you once, I love you now and I will love you again. I love you more than this place, than this time, than this situation. Yet in this place, I've learned to love you more than I have ever known, in this time I know I love you more than ever have and in this situation you have shown me that you love me more than I have ever imagined. In the next place I will love you more than I do now, in the next time I will know that I love you more than I did yesterday and in the next situation you will show me that you love again.
I love you, therefore I am.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Home is wherever we are if there's love there too...
It is a humbling feeling to know that everything you have can be taken away so quickly.
I'm not sure what happened, nor do I really feel like displaying again what exactly did happen. Just know that it was quick and it was painful. LIke when you pretend that ripping off a bandaid isn't painful...it hurts but it's fast. And you're left with the semi-healed wound and outline of a soggy bandaid on your skin to try to mend. I'm putting neosporin on it but it just isn't healing as fast as I had hoped.
Last week life was going the way I wanted it. We had two cars, my mom was coming to visit, we had a weekend planned out of relaxation, fun and wedding planning. I was trying on my gown for my mother who hand't seen it yet, she hadn't even seen my engagement ring. We had calculated that we may be able to start saving money to go on a honeymoon. We both were moving in the right path with money, Tyler was going to go get his CrossFit level 1 cert. We booked airfare, I was planning stuff for his birthday, we lived in a nice affordable place. Wednesday night we hung out with great friends, played music and I cleaned anticipating my mom's arrival. We had a well-stocked fridge, wine on the table and the comfort of the one you love falling asleep next to you.
Thursday morning I woke up scared, sick to my stomach and not knowing where my life was going. My mom wasn't coming out, it didn't mean anything to have food in our cabinets, wine on our table, or friends to jam with. I left feeling threatened, uncomfortable and terrified about what the day would bring. I went to bed with somewhere to live and woke up homeless. I felt and feel betrayed. People who we thought were friends, who had taken us in as family had LITERALLY over the course of a few hours turned into enemies. I feel like a dog kicked out on the streets. We have no explanation of what happened to make it go the way it did, nor will we probably ever. By 6pm on Thursday, instead of getting ready to pick my mom up from the airport, I was moving the last of my life out of my house and onto a friend's couch. Friday morning we sold our second car, dried my tears and leaned on each other to stay up straight and keep trying to find the purpose behind all this.
After countless hours of apartment hunting, refreshing craigslist, showings of places we can't totally afford and minutes after minutes of worrying...how do you not start to feel stressed? I thought things were going the direction I had hoped? I guess not. Our savings may be drained because of moving expenses, we may be down and out (again Oahu....really, you are going to do this to me again!?). The two-car-honeymoon-savings-life-going-the-way-we-had-dreamed-reality rug being pulled out from underneath our feet is a lesson that I am still trying really hard to understand I told a dear friend of mine that I know that this is a blessing in disguise but it is hard to see the sun through a dust storm. To which she responded that even rainbows are made of reflections of rain and darkness.
We are still trying and looking. I won't give up JUST yet on this. On him. On his dreams. On the life that I have dragged all the way out here, fed with a silver spoon and watched grow, wanting only the best for it. I don't know where we would be right now if it wasn't for the grace of family and friends. Despite my mom not coming this weekend, the money she would have spent here she gave to us for moving costs. Jessi and Kali rushed to our aide when we needed them most and Kali and Ross have greatly opened their home an their couch to us lost souls. The first night I spent on her couch was rough...I glanced at the suitcases and boxes and trash bags that used to be our lives and felt sad. I looked over at Tyler sleeping next to me on a couch and felt miserable. I feel like I was held accountable for him being homeless. As ridiculous as that sounds. I felt like I had failed him, given him false hope of this great life the islands have to offer only to stick him on a couch with a sheet and say good night. If it wasn't for his relentless optimism and calming energy and I don't know where I would be right now. He is my port in this storm. I can't even begin to try to describe what he has done for me and how he reassures me everyday that things happen for a reason. These past few days he has protected me, dried my tears and held my hand as we march from house to house, phone call to phone call to try to find something.
Where is home? Home is where you make it. Home is where your loved ones are. Where your love is. Home is where you feel comfortable, where you can go to rest, go to feel peace. Home is a reflection of who you are and all your accomplishments. Home can be a roof and four walls, an open space or a metaphorical peace of mind. Home is wherever we are if there's love there too.
How do you give up on a dream? When do you give up? What are you trying to tell me universe!?! I'M LISTENING LOUD AND CLEAR. SPEAK.
I'm not sure what happened, nor do I really feel like displaying again what exactly did happen. Just know that it was quick and it was painful. LIke when you pretend that ripping off a bandaid isn't painful...it hurts but it's fast. And you're left with the semi-healed wound and outline of a soggy bandaid on your skin to try to mend. I'm putting neosporin on it but it just isn't healing as fast as I had hoped.
Last week life was going the way I wanted it. We had two cars, my mom was coming to visit, we had a weekend planned out of relaxation, fun and wedding planning. I was trying on my gown for my mother who hand't seen it yet, she hadn't even seen my engagement ring. We had calculated that we may be able to start saving money to go on a honeymoon. We both were moving in the right path with money, Tyler was going to go get his CrossFit level 1 cert. We booked airfare, I was planning stuff for his birthday, we lived in a nice affordable place. Wednesday night we hung out with great friends, played music and I cleaned anticipating my mom's arrival. We had a well-stocked fridge, wine on the table and the comfort of the one you love falling asleep next to you.
Thursday morning I woke up scared, sick to my stomach and not knowing where my life was going. My mom wasn't coming out, it didn't mean anything to have food in our cabinets, wine on our table, or friends to jam with. I left feeling threatened, uncomfortable and terrified about what the day would bring. I went to bed with somewhere to live and woke up homeless. I felt and feel betrayed. People who we thought were friends, who had taken us in as family had LITERALLY over the course of a few hours turned into enemies. I feel like a dog kicked out on the streets. We have no explanation of what happened to make it go the way it did, nor will we probably ever. By 6pm on Thursday, instead of getting ready to pick my mom up from the airport, I was moving the last of my life out of my house and onto a friend's couch. Friday morning we sold our second car, dried my tears and leaned on each other to stay up straight and keep trying to find the purpose behind all this.
After countless hours of apartment hunting, refreshing craigslist, showings of places we can't totally afford and minutes after minutes of worrying...how do you not start to feel stressed? I thought things were going the direction I had hoped? I guess not. Our savings may be drained because of moving expenses, we may be down and out (again Oahu....really, you are going to do this to me again!?). The two-car-honeymoon-savings-life-going-the-way-we-had-dreamed-reality rug being pulled out from underneath our feet is a lesson that I am still trying really hard to understand I told a dear friend of mine that I know that this is a blessing in disguise but it is hard to see the sun through a dust storm. To which she responded that even rainbows are made of reflections of rain and darkness.
We are still trying and looking. I won't give up JUST yet on this. On him. On his dreams. On the life that I have dragged all the way out here, fed with a silver spoon and watched grow, wanting only the best for it. I don't know where we would be right now if it wasn't for the grace of family and friends. Despite my mom not coming this weekend, the money she would have spent here she gave to us for moving costs. Jessi and Kali rushed to our aide when we needed them most and Kali and Ross have greatly opened their home an their couch to us lost souls. The first night I spent on her couch was rough...I glanced at the suitcases and boxes and trash bags that used to be our lives and felt sad. I looked over at Tyler sleeping next to me on a couch and felt miserable. I feel like I was held accountable for him being homeless. As ridiculous as that sounds. I felt like I had failed him, given him false hope of this great life the islands have to offer only to stick him on a couch with a sheet and say good night. If it wasn't for his relentless optimism and calming energy and I don't know where I would be right now. He is my port in this storm. I can't even begin to try to describe what he has done for me and how he reassures me everyday that things happen for a reason. These past few days he has protected me, dried my tears and held my hand as we march from house to house, phone call to phone call to try to find something.
Where is home? Home is where you make it. Home is where your loved ones are. Where your love is. Home is where you feel comfortable, where you can go to rest, go to feel peace. Home is a reflection of who you are and all your accomplishments. Home can be a roof and four walls, an open space or a metaphorical peace of mind. Home is wherever we are if there's love there too.
How do you give up on a dream? When do you give up? What are you trying to tell me universe!?! I'M LISTENING LOUD AND CLEAR. SPEAK.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Changing a lifestyle
Changing a lifestyle.
People I think always assume that a lifestyle change is difficult. That it requires some metaphysical cosmic collision to ever work right. And although no one ever said changing years worth of habits and living would be easy...I found changing a lifestyle was actually way simpler than I had anticipated.
My lifestyle change occurred by accident. I never really set out with the idea to change my age-old habits of exercise, eating, sleeping and moody behavior, it just sort of occurred. I knew with my recent engagement that certain things needed adjusting, but I never assumed that my whole outlook on life would be so drastically altered. The shift started on my first day at CrossFit East Oahu. Not knowing what to expect, where to go, how to handle barbells and weights, wall balls and boxes and what the heck was a "WOD"?...I hesitantly stepped into my first class. After the first 3,2,1...go!...I knew I was hooked. The atmosphere, the people, the workout..it was all pleasantly different. The aching, the sore body, the "I can't figure out how to sit down and take a pee because its too much like a squat" feeling was surprisingly refreshing.
The first gears clicked into place of my new lifestyle change that fateful day...but they didn't start rolling and moving until a few weeks later. It started with 2 classes a week. Then I challenged myself to 3. Then 4. Then 5. All of a sudden I couldn't go enough and 6 and sometimes 7 days were the norm. I watched people around me that had been there longer and started making mental goals to hit. Little milestones that I wanted to achieve. The first one was cutting out certain foods, eating healthier and committing to a workout schedule.
When that was done I wanted to continually move up in weight until I could complete one workout of the day, "WOD", at RX weight (the prescribed weight). That benchmark came faster than I had expected. Ok...kipping pull-ups! You should YouTube that if you're not sure of what it is. I can do them now! Squat clean at 110lbs? Sure!! Heavier weight. Ok! 135lb backsquat, check. 190lb deadlift (technically 185lb counted because my grip slipped at 190, but I got it UP!). Check, check, check, check. Overhead squats, snatches, running, blisters and sore feet, shin splints and sweat...yes!
Certain things starting clicking and shifting and all of a sudden those gears were turning. Without even meaning to I had created a lifestyle change. I got excited about going to workout, to challenge myself into heavier weights, longer distances running, faster times. I wanted to go as long as I could on a fast, wanted to challenge myself to cut out certain sugars, refined foods and grains. I wanted to see the callused hands and blistered feet (and boy do I have those now). I wanted to be able to get my name on the board, I wanted to complete a workout without puking (which...luckily...I have yet to puke). The most motivating part of the process was not only the weights and endurance, but the physical changes I was starting to see in my body. Pants were getting lose, arms were getting stronger, thighs were becoming toned. I could look in the mirror and not have to suck it in. Sit down on the sand and know that I wasn't bulging out of a swimsuit.
I remember I tried on my wedding gown and told the lady "Wow, this has a great corset!"
To which she replied, "Oh no darling, this has no corset, that hour-glass shape is all you!" That was completely inspirational.
My accidental lifestyle change not only occurred physically, but also mentally. I started breaking down these barriers and walls that I had built without realizing it. It was almost as though I had built these barricades and dugouts, placed up barbed wire and had machine guns ready at aim to fire at any intruder. Through years and years of small hails of bullets I had built a fortress ready for an attack. Suddenly, when I realized that attack wasn't coming, I could start taking down my defenses. The bitchy, standoffish self that I had become such great (and terrible) friends with was slowly fading away. It was a strange thing to realize that not only physically could I tackle these great feats of strength, but mentally I could encourage myself to keep fighting. When my body was aching and muscles were screaming to stop, I could take a step back, stare at the bar and tell myself to finish. Besides one medical set back which made jumping rope incredibly painful...I have finished every workout I have started. And when I started tackling what, at one time, had been impossible to me...I started tackling life in the same manner.
When all the war-ready barricades had been torn down and I stood there feeling naked and defenseless in what was once a hostile zone, I allowed myself to recognize and acknowledge what had been scaring me into hiding for so long. And when I surrendered to myself and waved my white flag, all of a sudden relief efforts were coming from all around me. In forms of friends, family and my incredibly understanding and patient fiance, they came to help me. They cleaned my wounds, let me recognize why I had been hiding, fed my inspiration, encouraged me to smile, put some clothes on me and walked me off the battlefield. And I really truly believe that a lot of the reason I was able to stand there asking for help in the first place, was because CrossFit gave me the strength to overcome any "WOD", physically and mentally.
My lifestyle now is healtier than it has ever been. I am physically active, willing to strive for everything I start and confident enough to tell myself "Bree, you CAN do this, you CAN finish this". I eat healthier, have more staminia and endurance to get through my days and feel better about myself. Mentally, I'm ready for anything you can throw at me. I've become happier, I understand why some things frighten me and feel that I have been given the tools and allowed the right people into my life to help me build things back up. The gears are clicking away and I feel that this unintentional change has set me on the path of "anything is possible".
I'm not sure what I want you to take away from this. Maybe that changing your lifestyle isn't as hard as you think. That overcoming physical and mental barriers can be difficult but inspiring. Let the right people and circumstances into your life, open yourself up to the beautiful changes that are occuring. Hopefully you too will find happiness, in whatever "WOD" you do today.
Namaste.
Brianna Saylor
People I think always assume that a lifestyle change is difficult. That it requires some metaphysical cosmic collision to ever work right. And although no one ever said changing years worth of habits and living would be easy...I found changing a lifestyle was actually way simpler than I had anticipated.
My lifestyle change occurred by accident. I never really set out with the idea to change my age-old habits of exercise, eating, sleeping and moody behavior, it just sort of occurred. I knew with my recent engagement that certain things needed adjusting, but I never assumed that my whole outlook on life would be so drastically altered. The shift started on my first day at CrossFit East Oahu. Not knowing what to expect, where to go, how to handle barbells and weights, wall balls and boxes and what the heck was a "WOD"?...I hesitantly stepped into my first class. After the first 3,2,1...go!...I knew I was hooked. The atmosphere, the people, the workout..it was all pleasantly different. The aching, the sore body, the "I can't figure out how to sit down and take a pee because its too much like a squat" feeling was surprisingly refreshing.
The first gears clicked into place of my new lifestyle change that fateful day...but they didn't start rolling and moving until a few weeks later. It started with 2 classes a week. Then I challenged myself to 3. Then 4. Then 5. All of a sudden I couldn't go enough and 6 and sometimes 7 days were the norm. I watched people around me that had been there longer and started making mental goals to hit. Little milestones that I wanted to achieve. The first one was cutting out certain foods, eating healthier and committing to a workout schedule.
When that was done I wanted to continually move up in weight until I could complete one workout of the day, "WOD", at RX weight (the prescribed weight). That benchmark came faster than I had expected. Ok...kipping pull-ups! You should YouTube that if you're not sure of what it is. I can do them now! Squat clean at 110lbs? Sure!! Heavier weight. Ok! 135lb backsquat, check. 190lb deadlift (technically 185lb counted because my grip slipped at 190, but I got it UP!). Check, check, check, check. Overhead squats, snatches, running, blisters and sore feet, shin splints and sweat...yes!
Certain things starting clicking and shifting and all of a sudden those gears were turning. Without even meaning to I had created a lifestyle change. I got excited about going to workout, to challenge myself into heavier weights, longer distances running, faster times. I wanted to go as long as I could on a fast, wanted to challenge myself to cut out certain sugars, refined foods and grains. I wanted to see the callused hands and blistered feet (and boy do I have those now). I wanted to be able to get my name on the board, I wanted to complete a workout without puking (which...luckily...I have yet to puke). The most motivating part of the process was not only the weights and endurance, but the physical changes I was starting to see in my body. Pants were getting lose, arms were getting stronger, thighs were becoming toned. I could look in the mirror and not have to suck it in. Sit down on the sand and know that I wasn't bulging out of a swimsuit.
I remember I tried on my wedding gown and told the lady "Wow, this has a great corset!"
To which she replied, "Oh no darling, this has no corset, that hour-glass shape is all you!" That was completely inspirational.
My accidental lifestyle change not only occurred physically, but also mentally. I started breaking down these barriers and walls that I had built without realizing it. It was almost as though I had built these barricades and dugouts, placed up barbed wire and had machine guns ready at aim to fire at any intruder. Through years and years of small hails of bullets I had built a fortress ready for an attack. Suddenly, when I realized that attack wasn't coming, I could start taking down my defenses. The bitchy, standoffish self that I had become such great (and terrible) friends with was slowly fading away. It was a strange thing to realize that not only physically could I tackle these great feats of strength, but mentally I could encourage myself to keep fighting. When my body was aching and muscles were screaming to stop, I could take a step back, stare at the bar and tell myself to finish. Besides one medical set back which made jumping rope incredibly painful...I have finished every workout I have started. And when I started tackling what, at one time, had been impossible to me...I started tackling life in the same manner.
When all the war-ready barricades had been torn down and I stood there feeling naked and defenseless in what was once a hostile zone, I allowed myself to recognize and acknowledge what had been scaring me into hiding for so long. And when I surrendered to myself and waved my white flag, all of a sudden relief efforts were coming from all around me. In forms of friends, family and my incredibly understanding and patient fiance, they came to help me. They cleaned my wounds, let me recognize why I had been hiding, fed my inspiration, encouraged me to smile, put some clothes on me and walked me off the battlefield. And I really truly believe that a lot of the reason I was able to stand there asking for help in the first place, was because CrossFit gave me the strength to overcome any "WOD", physically and mentally.
My lifestyle now is healtier than it has ever been. I am physically active, willing to strive for everything I start and confident enough to tell myself "Bree, you CAN do this, you CAN finish this". I eat healthier, have more staminia and endurance to get through my days and feel better about myself. Mentally, I'm ready for anything you can throw at me. I've become happier, I understand why some things frighten me and feel that I have been given the tools and allowed the right people into my life to help me build things back up. The gears are clicking away and I feel that this unintentional change has set me on the path of "anything is possible".
I'm not sure what I want you to take away from this. Maybe that changing your lifestyle isn't as hard as you think. That overcoming physical and mental barriers can be difficult but inspiring. Let the right people and circumstances into your life, open yourself up to the beautiful changes that are occuring. Hopefully you too will find happiness, in whatever "WOD" you do today.
Namaste.
Brianna Saylor
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Dede
Tomorrow is Father's Day.
I'm living far away from my family, all the way across the ocean and not being able to spend important days like Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays, etc with my family is something that I have become used to. Well, not used to, but you have to learn to live with it. Because if you sit around and think about how sad it is to be so far away from all the people you love than you can become increasingly down. So, you send all your love and energy over the seas and hope that they find their way into the hearts of your dearest.
And living far away from you family and friends on an island, figuring out how to balance your life paycheck to paycheck, also means that sending gifts or even taking moms and dads out to dinner is near impossible. So...I figured, Dede...I am going to do the next best thing that I can. I'm going to write about you.
I know some people think that they have a connection with their dads...and I hope that you do. But no one I think has quite the same connection as me and my daddy. Ever since I was little, I've been a daddy's girl. My dad taught me everything I know. My dad is an incredibly spiritual person and I've always felt a connection with that. I remember being little and looking through books of my dads of gurus and life and the universe and light. My dad patiently answered all my questions about the mysteries of life. He let me stare wide-eyed at the pages and pictures of gurus and Hindu gods and let me sit with him and pretend to meditate. From a tiny girl up until today I can call my dad and talk to him about energies and life and know that he will understand me completely.
My dad is the biggest supporter of whatever it is I wanted to do. I have a gypsy mindset...which I half blame his DNA for...where I can't seem to sit still. This could also be the ADD (which I also blame his DNA for), but regardless my wanderlust and excitement to jump on bandwagons I can only imagine would have been frustrating for a parent. "I want to horseback ride! I want to do taekwondo! I want to do soccer! I want to surf! I want to go to get a GED! I want to go to college! I want to go to college in Hawaii! Move back to a different island, go back to California, back to Hawaii! Change jobs!" And through all of my explosive and non-thinking actions, guess who has always been there cheering me on? My dad. He patiently would listen to me declare that "This is it! This is what I want to do!" and than calmly try to talk the pro's and con's into me. Regardless of my decision, my dad was at every soccer game, every practice, every crying phone call when reality in Honolulu set in. My dad has picked me up from the airport, funded my trans-Pacific flights and the entire time encouraged me to do the best and be the best at everything I do. And I have really strived to be the best person I can be simply because I have a dad that believes in me.
I am more like my dad than I even realize at times. We both have a love for the ocean and creatures. We have incredibly similar spiritual beliefs. Whenever I feel like the sky is falling, I know that my dad knows exactly what I'm going through. My dad has not only raised (and fully supported) a gypsy-minded daughter, but also raised two amazing sons. Between all of my soccer and horseback riding excursions my dad was at every (and even coaching!) one of my brother's football games and all of Jonathan's track meets. He is the biggest Coast Guard supporter and honestly one of the greatest Gay Right's supporters out there.
I remember being little and having my dad go on location to San Francisco. He wrote me a letter and drew the Bay Bridge on it. I remember being so upset that he was gone for so long I held onto that letter in my night stand and read it every night. I still have that letter! My dad goes on locations all over the world, Mexico, Tennessee, Louisiana, Prague, Portland. I know how it feels to be far away from your family but I can't imagine doing it all alone. My dad is an incredibly strong man.
Now that I am planning a wedding and thinking about my life and my future, I'm starting to realize that a lot of traits and characteristics in my future husband remind me of my dad. Tyler opens doors for me, my dad has always opened doors for me. Tyler walks around to get my car door, so does my dad. Tyler lets me walk through doors first, so does my dad. There are a lot of things I suppose my subconscious mind picked up on in Tyler that reminded me of my dad. Those characteristics and traits are what I associate a REAL man with...because my dad is the best man I know. I guess I hope that maybe one day IF and my I emphasize the IF part...we have children...Tyler will be as good of a dad to our kids as mine was to me.
In planning a wedding and thinking of a father/daughter dance and my dad walking me down the aisle, it kind of makes me get a bit choked up. This is my dad. He's taught me everything I know. I am so proud to have a connection with him. My dad is one of my best friends. I hope I've made you proud...despite actually not sending you a gift (love you...).
I have the BEST dad in the whole world. Happy Father's Day dede :)
Monday, May 16, 2011
Finding a little motivation
Finding some motivation has been hard lately. Over the past few weeks sitting at a desk putting the ins and outs of a 8-4:30 shift has been wearing on me. Looking outside at the beautiful Oahu day and feeling stuck in a cubicle can be draining. I'd come home to a house I was too tired to deal with and take out any frustration on poor Tyler. I was moody, irritable and couldn't find the inspiration to get my butt up and doing something. When all I really wanted to do was SOMETHING.
After some convincing from Tyler and grumpy motivation from myself, I finally attended my first CrossFit class. I was super nervous going into it. The ladies outside pretty much told me to be prepared to die and feel in pain but that it would be worth it in the end. That didn't make me feel too much better. I was expecting a gym of meat-heads and big buff ladies and to have me be this little out of shape girl trying to lift something and looking like a fool. But it was actually totally opposite.
Every walk of life was there. Tyler and another guy (besides the owners and coaches) were the only guys that were really in shape. I'm not even going to pretend to lift and squat as much as Tyler...or attempt the pull ups he was doing... but there was big, tall, small, fat, skinny, in shape, out of shape, every walk of life. It was a fairly small class for a Saturday morning and the atmosphere was really nice, everyone was encouraging and positive. I guess it was a good day to start because it was core day and we switched from squats to various ab workouts. After the warm-up the session only took me 12:58 minutes to complete. I was the last of most people to be done but less than 13 minutes and I was done! I felt energized, motivated and inspired.
Two days later I'm still sore. I can't really do a situp and God forbid I gotta take a pee where I have to fall back onto the toilet (still too much of a squatting position that I have to get into to do that...). But it feels GOOD. I feel like this is something different. Every workout will be different. It's short and sweet and to the point. I can get in, get out, get a better body and get on with my life. After doing some homework on CrossFit I'm SO ready to look like all of these people and these success stories. I refuse to be a statistic. On more than one level. But in terms of the "fat America" and the "I have no time to workout" and the "I eat fast food because its easily available" statistics, no thank you. I want to look like the people in the success stories. Tyler and I don't eat too bad as it is, but we decided to cut alcohol out of our diets completely. Hardly any sugar, lean meat (for Tyler. Just the protein in tofu for me), watch the melted cheese and carbs and drink no soda, limit juice and increase water. Eat more sprouted grains, local grown, organic when can and fresh fruit and veggies. On top of Tyler working at Whole Foods already, luckily, we are limiting the amount of times we can eat out and cooking more at home. I'm also stopping eating when I'm full. Not being glutenous and eating whatever is left on my plate.
And in terms of getting healthy and not being a statistic, it shouldn't be that hard to get to. I want to do a pull up and a squat with 45 pounds (which was the min we were supposed to do on Saturday but I did 20). I want to sit down in a bikini and not have to worry about sucking it in. I want to dance and jump and have nothing jiggle. I want a lean, flat stomach and toned legs. I want a butt! I want strong arms and back and no shake comin with them fries. I want to look good in my wedding dress!!
I'm going to buy workout clothes and I'm going to try to go a min of 3 times a week. 4 or 5 if time allows (or I can walk). But I strongly encourage everyone to just TRY. It's so completely different than anything I've ever done before. It hurts but it's so great. So worth it!! So...day 1 down. I don't know measurements but I do know weight. I weigh 128 pounds right now. Heaviest I've been my whole life. I'm ok losing weight, ideal would be about 115. But I would love to gain muscle and definition, that is ideal.
CrossFit! Namaste :)
After some convincing from Tyler and grumpy motivation from myself, I finally attended my first CrossFit class. I was super nervous going into it. The ladies outside pretty much told me to be prepared to die and feel in pain but that it would be worth it in the end. That didn't make me feel too much better. I was expecting a gym of meat-heads and big buff ladies and to have me be this little out of shape girl trying to lift something and looking like a fool. But it was actually totally opposite.
Every walk of life was there. Tyler and another guy (besides the owners and coaches) were the only guys that were really in shape. I'm not even going to pretend to lift and squat as much as Tyler...or attempt the pull ups he was doing... but there was big, tall, small, fat, skinny, in shape, out of shape, every walk of life. It was a fairly small class for a Saturday morning and the atmosphere was really nice, everyone was encouraging and positive. I guess it was a good day to start because it was core day and we switched from squats to various ab workouts. After the warm-up the session only took me 12:58 minutes to complete. I was the last of most people to be done but less than 13 minutes and I was done! I felt energized, motivated and inspired.
Two days later I'm still sore. I can't really do a situp and God forbid I gotta take a pee where I have to fall back onto the toilet (still too much of a squatting position that I have to get into to do that...). But it feels GOOD. I feel like this is something different. Every workout will be different. It's short and sweet and to the point. I can get in, get out, get a better body and get on with my life. After doing some homework on CrossFit I'm SO ready to look like all of these people and these success stories. I refuse to be a statistic. On more than one level. But in terms of the "fat America" and the "I have no time to workout" and the "I eat fast food because its easily available" statistics, no thank you. I want to look like the people in the success stories. Tyler and I don't eat too bad as it is, but we decided to cut alcohol out of our diets completely. Hardly any sugar, lean meat (for Tyler. Just the protein in tofu for me), watch the melted cheese and carbs and drink no soda, limit juice and increase water. Eat more sprouted grains, local grown, organic when can and fresh fruit and veggies. On top of Tyler working at Whole Foods already, luckily, we are limiting the amount of times we can eat out and cooking more at home. I'm also stopping eating when I'm full. Not being glutenous and eating whatever is left on my plate.
And in terms of getting healthy and not being a statistic, it shouldn't be that hard to get to. I want to do a pull up and a squat with 45 pounds (which was the min we were supposed to do on Saturday but I did 20). I want to sit down in a bikini and not have to worry about sucking it in. I want to dance and jump and have nothing jiggle. I want a lean, flat stomach and toned legs. I want a butt! I want strong arms and back and no shake comin with them fries. I want to look good in my wedding dress!!
I'm going to buy workout clothes and I'm going to try to go a min of 3 times a week. 4 or 5 if time allows (or I can walk). But I strongly encourage everyone to just TRY. It's so completely different than anything I've ever done before. It hurts but it's so great. So worth it!! So...day 1 down. I don't know measurements but I do know weight. I weigh 128 pounds right now. Heaviest I've been my whole life. I'm ok losing weight, ideal would be about 115. But I would love to gain muscle and definition, that is ideal.
CrossFit! Namaste :)
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Dear Universe
Dear Universe,
I will prevail. I will be happy. I will prosper. I will be successful. I will find the beauty in everyday. I will be healthy. I will marry this man. I will be wealthy. I will do my best. I will be everything I have ever wanted to be. I will conquer. I will reach my goals. I will make this world a better place. I will accomplish all that I set my mind to. I am here. I am not going anywhere. I am a force to be reckoned with. I will live. I will love. I will be the best Brianna I can be.
Just a warning.
Sincerely with aloha,
Brianna
I will prevail. I will be happy. I will prosper. I will be successful. I will find the beauty in everyday. I will be healthy. I will marry this man. I will be wealthy. I will do my best. I will be everything I have ever wanted to be. I will conquer. I will reach my goals. I will make this world a better place. I will accomplish all that I set my mind to. I am here. I am not going anywhere. I am a force to be reckoned with. I will live. I will love. I will be the best Brianna I can be.
Just a warning.
Sincerely with aloha,
Brianna
I believe
A LOT has been going on in my life. I keep writing notes on pieces of paper at work to add to my blog. But, here is one of them, considering things that have been happening in my life...
*ahem*
I Believe
...in a few things deeply. Things that I feel are rooted into the very fiber of my being and things I can not change no matter how hard I try. These things may be a product of my up bringing or environment, or simply things I have experienced hands on that have shaped who I am. Regardless, they are my beliefs. If you feel differently, I greatly respect that. your opinion is as much of who you are as mine are to me, so try to understand where I come from.
I believe fully in animal rights. Inhumane and unnecessary suffering of any living creature is wrong. I can not relate to anyone who feels differently. Regardless of species, the dog you have as a pet has the same emotions, fear, excitement, understanding and blood as the cow you eat for dinner. There is NO excuse that we, as functioning humans who understand that every creature experiences pain on a certain level, we should inflict that upon any creature. IT IS possible, it IS healthy to eat an entirely vegetarian or mostly vegetarian diet. To me, the sacrifice of a life is not worth the taste in my mouth.
I believe lesbian, gay, bi and transgender should be free to marry. I have been lucky enough in my life to have found and felt great love. Why deny that to anyone? The "institution of marriage" is based on the morals and values of the individuals involved. Look how many heterosexual couples have ruined that. On the same subject, I can not and refuse to even pretend to symphathize with any individual who bullies and/or protests at funerals, etc. How dare you? If the tables were turned and someone protested at yours, you would cry, bitch and moan. EVERYONE should be free to love. This is something I am incredibly passionate about. I am sad California appealed Prop 8. There are so many more important things in the world than marriage of a gay couple. Equal rights for all. Some guys marry guys, some girls kiss girls...GET OVER IT.
I believe our military should have higher pay. The reason people can protest at military funerals is because that son/daughter/father/mother/wife/brother/sister died for your rights. These people should never have to deal with budget cuts, etc. They are the ones with the biggest sacrifice. I have so much respect for our military, they should never worry about not being able to pay rent or obtaining insurance. Our corrupt government...
I believe everyone should understand how much of an impact they have on our environment. I am a marine conservation freak. Sorry, I wont get started on this particular subject, but turning a blind eye won't make a difference. Then bitching that there is a Texas-size trash heap when laws permit dumping? Come on.
I believe wages should be higher, taxes should be lower. All managers should spend a day in all departments and not in the luxury of their air conditioned offices. Pulling up four hours late in their BMW's and say how busy they are. F you and your four vacation homes. Telling me a raise isn't in your budget.
I am not liberal. But I am starting to assume I am not Republican. I think all politicians are equally wrong. I'm sorry I did not vote for Obama. I don't agree with the Libyan war. I don't think we sould give them media coverage. These people are destroying themselves when people in Japan are dying because of circumstances that are beyond their control. And shame on radical church groups who are saying this is punishment for sins.
I believe in God. I believe in meditation and energy forces. I have practiced yoga. I have attended church. I am a military supporter. My baby brother is gay. I am vegetarian. I HAVE eaten meat. I think marine conservation is important. I have trained captive dolphins. I am a scientist and a self-proclaimed environmentalist. I do believe all extremest groups can be wrong. I think if you can work, you should not ask for free hand-outs, but if you need it and have paid into the system, you should be provided unemployment. I can understanding wanting to better your life, but I think illegal immigration is wrong. My family did it the right way, so should you. I don't necessarily agree with our college system, but I did go and now I am paying it back. I see where taxes are good, but ridiculous raises in them are unnecessary.
There. I feel better. Judge me. This is me. I don't care. I am not overly either side in most issues but these. Take it or leave it.
Namaste.
*ahem*
I Believe
...in a few things deeply. Things that I feel are rooted into the very fiber of my being and things I can not change no matter how hard I try. These things may be a product of my up bringing or environment, or simply things I have experienced hands on that have shaped who I am. Regardless, they are my beliefs. If you feel differently, I greatly respect that. your opinion is as much of who you are as mine are to me, so try to understand where I come from.
I believe fully in animal rights. Inhumane and unnecessary suffering of any living creature is wrong. I can not relate to anyone who feels differently. Regardless of species, the dog you have as a pet has the same emotions, fear, excitement, understanding and blood as the cow you eat for dinner. There is NO excuse that we, as functioning humans who understand that every creature experiences pain on a certain level, we should inflict that upon any creature. IT IS possible, it IS healthy to eat an entirely vegetarian or mostly vegetarian diet. To me, the sacrifice of a life is not worth the taste in my mouth.
I believe lesbian, gay, bi and transgender should be free to marry. I have been lucky enough in my life to have found and felt great love. Why deny that to anyone? The "institution of marriage" is based on the morals and values of the individuals involved. Look how many heterosexual couples have ruined that. On the same subject, I can not and refuse to even pretend to symphathize with any individual who bullies and/or protests at funerals, etc. How dare you? If the tables were turned and someone protested at yours, you would cry, bitch and moan. EVERYONE should be free to love. This is something I am incredibly passionate about. I am sad California appealed Prop 8. There are so many more important things in the world than marriage of a gay couple. Equal rights for all. Some guys marry guys, some girls kiss girls...GET OVER IT.
I believe our military should have higher pay. The reason people can protest at military funerals is because that son/daughter/father/mother/wife/brother/sister died for your rights. These people should never have to deal with budget cuts, etc. They are the ones with the biggest sacrifice. I have so much respect for our military, they should never worry about not being able to pay rent or obtaining insurance. Our corrupt government...
I believe everyone should understand how much of an impact they have on our environment. I am a marine conservation freak. Sorry, I wont get started on this particular subject, but turning a blind eye won't make a difference. Then bitching that there is a Texas-size trash heap when laws permit dumping? Come on.
I believe wages should be higher, taxes should be lower. All managers should spend a day in all departments and not in the luxury of their air conditioned offices. Pulling up four hours late in their BMW's and say how busy they are. F you and your four vacation homes. Telling me a raise isn't in your budget.
I am not liberal. But I am starting to assume I am not Republican. I think all politicians are equally wrong. I'm sorry I did not vote for Obama. I don't agree with the Libyan war. I don't think we sould give them media coverage. These people are destroying themselves when people in Japan are dying because of circumstances that are beyond their control. And shame on radical church groups who are saying this is punishment for sins.
I believe in God. I believe in meditation and energy forces. I have practiced yoga. I have attended church. I am a military supporter. My baby brother is gay. I am vegetarian. I HAVE eaten meat. I think marine conservation is important. I have trained captive dolphins. I am a scientist and a self-proclaimed environmentalist. I do believe all extremest groups can be wrong. I think if you can work, you should not ask for free hand-outs, but if you need it and have paid into the system, you should be provided unemployment. I can understanding wanting to better your life, but I think illegal immigration is wrong. My family did it the right way, so should you. I don't necessarily agree with our college system, but I did go and now I am paying it back. I see where taxes are good, but ridiculous raises in them are unnecessary.
There. I feel better. Judge me. This is me. I don't care. I am not overly either side in most issues but these. Take it or leave it.
Namaste.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
The world has its way to quiet us down.
With all that has been happening in the past week I started to really count my blessings closer to home. Watching the wave of water destroy towns in Japan on the news was absolutely heart-wrenching. There is nothing that stirs human emotion more than watching helplessly as people flee for their lives and knowing there is little to nothing you can do.
As if by deja-vu, Tyler and I stayed glued to the tv all night, listening to the eerie scream of the tsunami sirens blaring in the distance. The tangible energy that you feel when your entire world (or at least as you know it) waits on baited breath to see if we will be swept away by a wave, is something that I can't describe. Everyone is quiet, everyone is nervous, the geckos stop chirping, the wing blows a little quieter, everything is in a suspended pause of anxiety. All eyes were turned toward the east, all ears were focused on Hawaii. Waiting to hear if the waves would devastate our shores.
We, on Oahu, dodged another bullet. Maui and Big Island didn't get as lucky, but compared to what happened to Japan we were incredibly blessed. Tyler and I got called into work the following morning, and all I could think of was the mass amount of displaced people that were still here in Honolulu and couldn't get home to Japan. My coworker was supposed to leave tomorrow for Tokyo to see her family, but canceled her trip. She cries whenever she talks about the quake and gets teary when she sees signs and shirts that say "Pray for Japan". A trainer at my job, Hiro, his sister was missing from her home in the tsunami hit area, but was found in critical condition in a hospital. The "Aloha for Japan" fund here is incredible, most have Japanese ancestory and almost everyone is in contact with Japanese people everyday. The aloha spilling out to help our Japanese friends and neighbors is beautiful.
So in a time like this, I can't complain about my job. I do, but it is definitely humbling to realize I am way better off than some. I have friends and family that are safe and healthy in California and all over the world. I wake up to a beautiful sunrise and fall asleep to a beautiful sunset every night. I come home to the most amazing man in the world, we get to live in a beautiful island paradise. I have enough money to buy food, I have a car to get around and I am blessed with good health. It's still hard to see the images and photographs coming out of the devastated area, knowing that you are so blessed over here in Hawaii and can't really do much...
So when you brag and boast, whine or complain...that's ok. We have a right to be proud of our accomplishments, we can feel disappointment when we strive to achieve our best and fall short. It is what makes us human to experience these kinds of emotions and pushes us to continue to become the best people we can be. But once our moments of selfish feelings are over, we need to take a minute to look at others in the world and their situations. Those that are better off can do what we can to help others. And we need take a step back and look at our lives and realize that we are very lucky, and we should be in awe of the lives we have been granted.
Namaste.
As if by deja-vu, Tyler and I stayed glued to the tv all night, listening to the eerie scream of the tsunami sirens blaring in the distance. The tangible energy that you feel when your entire world (or at least as you know it) waits on baited breath to see if we will be swept away by a wave, is something that I can't describe. Everyone is quiet, everyone is nervous, the geckos stop chirping, the wing blows a little quieter, everything is in a suspended pause of anxiety. All eyes were turned toward the east, all ears were focused on Hawaii. Waiting to hear if the waves would devastate our shores.
We, on Oahu, dodged another bullet. Maui and Big Island didn't get as lucky, but compared to what happened to Japan we were incredibly blessed. Tyler and I got called into work the following morning, and all I could think of was the mass amount of displaced people that were still here in Honolulu and couldn't get home to Japan. My coworker was supposed to leave tomorrow for Tokyo to see her family, but canceled her trip. She cries whenever she talks about the quake and gets teary when she sees signs and shirts that say "Pray for Japan". A trainer at my job, Hiro, his sister was missing from her home in the tsunami hit area, but was found in critical condition in a hospital. The "Aloha for Japan" fund here is incredible, most have Japanese ancestory and almost everyone is in contact with Japanese people everyday. The aloha spilling out to help our Japanese friends and neighbors is beautiful.
So in a time like this, I can't complain about my job. I do, but it is definitely humbling to realize I am way better off than some. I have friends and family that are safe and healthy in California and all over the world. I wake up to a beautiful sunrise and fall asleep to a beautiful sunset every night. I come home to the most amazing man in the world, we get to live in a beautiful island paradise. I have enough money to buy food, I have a car to get around and I am blessed with good health. It's still hard to see the images and photographs coming out of the devastated area, knowing that you are so blessed over here in Hawaii and can't really do much...
So when you brag and boast, whine or complain...that's ok. We have a right to be proud of our accomplishments, we can feel disappointment when we strive to achieve our best and fall short. It is what makes us human to experience these kinds of emotions and pushes us to continue to become the best people we can be. But once our moments of selfish feelings are over, we need to take a minute to look at others in the world and their situations. Those that are better off can do what we can to help others. And we need take a step back and look at our lives and realize that we are very lucky, and we should be in awe of the lives we have been granted.
Namaste.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Coming to peace with a desk job
I never really knew what I was going to be "when I grow up". And all of a sudden, I'm grown up. I have people working under me, my name in training manuals appears under "coordinator" and "direct supervisor". No one ever prepared me or gave me the introductory course to the "real world". I'm not going to lie, it is strangely overwhelming, and yet, freeing.
My first day on the job i was handed a 5 inch thick training, shown my cubicle and said good luck. My manager left two weeks later. She was great, she showed me everything she could in the short period of time. Her final email put me as the "go to" for the department. Suddenly, I was being pounded with questions, phone-calls, emails, concerns, applications, ideas, planning...eek! Wait! Pump the breaks! What did I just get myself into?! I accepted a job as an Education Associate. I understood I would be taking on the volunteer coordinator position as well, but wow!
All of my previous experience in education was hands-on and interactions for people. I was always relaying scientific information to a non-scientific audience. All of a sudden, I was putting all of my knowledge into docents and volunteers and hoping they can take my knowledge out into the park. I give lectures, and when I can find the time, venture into the park for 1:1 education...but the majority of my duties are making schedules, phone calls, and reservations. Strange...
It is neat to be bale to take stuff that I am genuinely interested in and concerned about, study it, learn it and pass it on to others to venture out int the world and do the "dirty" work. Than I go back to my desk and start devouring new environmental impacts and knowledge to regurgitated onto my docents.
As much as I do enjoy this, there were (and sometimes are) concerns I had to find peace with. I love the ocean and I truly believe that the key to conservation is knowledge of the impacts we can have on our environments. I just assumed I would be putting that knowledge into people's heads by field work, on-site, hands-on experiences. But alas, no. Than I started my internship at Dolphin Quest and assumed maybe rehabilitation was the way to go. I had a bit of a morally rough time/infatuation with the idea of training marine mammals under human care. I, based on my opinions and experiences, have formatted conclusions in regards to marine mammals (and all animals) under human care. These opinions are neither yay or nay and are based on a case-by-case basis. I will keep this opinions to myself.
So where I have come to peace with y desk job? The fact that from a financial standpoint, I am lucky to have a steady, full-time, well-paid position. I make more than some friends, not as much as others. Quite honestly, not as much as I feel I should be making...but I get to make a real impact on people in education them on marine stewardship issues that mean a lot to me. I have the freedom to develop curriculum to enhance the State of Hawaii's future generation of marine conservationists. I live in Hawaii...if that isn't reason enough.
Coming from someone who has done almost EVERYTHING in the marine science world..I really do enjoy education. I have done research, training, lab work, field work, school work, outreach, education, husbandry, you know it. But if I can inspire ONE person to pursue a career in marine stewardship like one person once did in me, than I have made a difference. I will be investing, in my own way, in the future of our oceans. I can help ensure a healthy and thriving ecosystem for future generations. In my own way, I AM making a difference.
This is my passion. The ocean. All of the seas. All of the inhabitants and chemical properties that it comprises. I love the biological, geological, paleological, chemical, dynamical fluid combination working as one entity to sustain all of life. If I am full-filling a purpose in my life, the ocean will always have a connection. Spiritually, emotionally, physically. No matter how direct or round-about.
Go dive. Go swim. Clean your beach. Think sustainably. Everything we do effects the ocean. WE can make a difference, one person, one action, one inspiration at a time.
"How wrong it is to call this planet Earth, when so clearly it is OCEAN".
Namaste.
My first day on the job i was handed a 5 inch thick training, shown my cubicle and said good luck. My manager left two weeks later. She was great, she showed me everything she could in the short period of time. Her final email put me as the "go to" for the department. Suddenly, I was being pounded with questions, phone-calls, emails, concerns, applications, ideas, planning...eek! Wait! Pump the breaks! What did I just get myself into?! I accepted a job as an Education Associate. I understood I would be taking on the volunteer coordinator position as well, but wow!
All of my previous experience in education was hands-on and interactions for people. I was always relaying scientific information to a non-scientific audience. All of a sudden, I was putting all of my knowledge into docents and volunteers and hoping they can take my knowledge out into the park. I give lectures, and when I can find the time, venture into the park for 1:1 education...but the majority of my duties are making schedules, phone calls, and reservations. Strange...
It is neat to be bale to take stuff that I am genuinely interested in and concerned about, study it, learn it and pass it on to others to venture out int the world and do the "dirty" work. Than I go back to my desk and start devouring new environmental impacts and knowledge to regurgitated onto my docents.
As much as I do enjoy this, there were (and sometimes are) concerns I had to find peace with. I love the ocean and I truly believe that the key to conservation is knowledge of the impacts we can have on our environments. I just assumed I would be putting that knowledge into people's heads by field work, on-site, hands-on experiences. But alas, no. Than I started my internship at Dolphin Quest and assumed maybe rehabilitation was the way to go. I had a bit of a morally rough time/infatuation with the idea of training marine mammals under human care. I, based on my opinions and experiences, have formatted conclusions in regards to marine mammals (and all animals) under human care. These opinions are neither yay or nay and are based on a case-by-case basis. I will keep this opinions to myself.
So where I have come to peace with y desk job? The fact that from a financial standpoint, I am lucky to have a steady, full-time, well-paid position. I make more than some friends, not as much as others. Quite honestly, not as much as I feel I should be making...but I get to make a real impact on people in education them on marine stewardship issues that mean a lot to me. I have the freedom to develop curriculum to enhance the State of Hawaii's future generation of marine conservationists. I live in Hawaii...if that isn't reason enough.
Coming from someone who has done almost EVERYTHING in the marine science world..I really do enjoy education. I have done research, training, lab work, field work, school work, outreach, education, husbandry, you know it. But if I can inspire ONE person to pursue a career in marine stewardship like one person once did in me, than I have made a difference. I will be investing, in my own way, in the future of our oceans. I can help ensure a healthy and thriving ecosystem for future generations. In my own way, I AM making a difference.
This is my passion. The ocean. All of the seas. All of the inhabitants and chemical properties that it comprises. I love the biological, geological, paleological, chemical, dynamical fluid combination working as one entity to sustain all of life. If I am full-filling a purpose in my life, the ocean will always have a connection. Spiritually, emotionally, physically. No matter how direct or round-about.
Go dive. Go swim. Clean your beach. Think sustainably. Everything we do effects the ocean. WE can make a difference, one person, one action, one inspiration at a time.
"How wrong it is to call this planet Earth, when so clearly it is OCEAN".
Namaste.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
One full year later
So much can change in a year.
March 5, 2010 I was in Cape May, New Jersey waiting to see my brother graduate from bootcamp. I remember being nervous and not really knowing why. I felt anxious, I hadn't slept in days. I had flown from Oahu to Los Angeles, spent the night in LA and boarded an early flight to Philadelphia the morning of the 5th. We drove from Philly to New Jersey and spent the night in Cape May. I was jet-lagged, cold and feeling a little out of place. But something felt RIGHT.
I was in the middle of a horrible and volatile breakup, stuck somewhere where I couldn't see the beauty of my life in front of me. I was still living in Waikiki but dreaming about coming home because I couldn't stand my living situation. I had been writing religiously to my brother in Cape May because I felt it was a way to escape from my reality. A way to encourage someone who was following their dreams. I would tell him about funny things that were happening, things that were bothering me. He didn't have enough time to write me back, but I didn't mind. It was like my problems were going out to the universe, being read by someone, and were no longer my burden to bear. Being in Cape May to watch my brother accomplish his dreams meant SO much for me.
As the Coasties started to march in, I remember the crowd screaming and cheering. I saw my mom and Paige start to cry. One graduate, one graduate, one graduate, MICHAEL! There he was, proud and tall and walking like a man. I was so happy! Everyone looked the same, there were blurs of faces and muffled sobs and cheers. Than there was this boy. I watched him walk by and sat down quietly. Who knew that my life was about to change.
I was introduced to him in the parking lot of the hotel we were staying in. I shoved my way out of the rental car like a creep and made up an excuse of changing my shoes to talk to him. He was so handsome (looked like he needed a sandwich) but I was infatuated. In the five minutes I stalled putting on a different pair of shoes I learned he was stationed in San Francisco and was a reservist. When I walked away, I walked away grinning from ear to ear. This totally random stranger in the most random parking lot in the most random town in New Jersey, left me feeling like my life wasn't as bad as I thought it was at the time.
We talked on facebook while he was in Virginia and he visited me when I moved back to California. He spent days with my family and was introduced to them all as a trial-by-fire brunch (literally the WHOLE family...extended and all!) and passed the "Disneyland test". He was deployed to Alabama and once again our relationship was spent more in different time zones than face to face. I was so in love with this boy I was completely ok with doing a long distance relationship. Luckily for us, that didn't end up happening. I got a job in San Francisco and moved in in October.
When you know, you know. We lived together up through January, than I accepted a job in Honolulu. I moved to Oahu January 24 and spent another three grueling weeks away from the love of my life. When I picked him up in the airport in Honolulu, I was so nervous I was shaking and peed at LEAST five times...like a nervous Chihuahua. But there he was, more handsome than ever and I knew again, that I was the luckiest girl in the world.
I've come back to a place that I left on bad terms, ready to start over again. I am very successful now on Oahu and enjoying it more than I did the two previous years I was here. I feel like THIS is where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. THIS is the person I am supposed to be with. You live and you learn and we all go through rough seas to get to the calm water. I have unfinished karma here on this island, there is a reason I am here. And there is a reason that he is here with me.
One full year ago I would not believe anyone that would tell me that I would be this happy right now. But one full year later, I am blissfully happy and I wish this happiness upon everyone in the world. Tyler Scurti, I love you. You mean everything to me and I am so happy that I climbed my way out of that car in Jersey.
Life is beautiful and it's crazy and everything happens for a reason. You just have to open yourself up to the signs.
:)
March 5, 2010 I was in Cape May, New Jersey waiting to see my brother graduate from bootcamp. I remember being nervous and not really knowing why. I felt anxious, I hadn't slept in days. I had flown from Oahu to Los Angeles, spent the night in LA and boarded an early flight to Philadelphia the morning of the 5th. We drove from Philly to New Jersey and spent the night in Cape May. I was jet-lagged, cold and feeling a little out of place. But something felt RIGHT.
I was in the middle of a horrible and volatile breakup, stuck somewhere where I couldn't see the beauty of my life in front of me. I was still living in Waikiki but dreaming about coming home because I couldn't stand my living situation. I had been writing religiously to my brother in Cape May because I felt it was a way to escape from my reality. A way to encourage someone who was following their dreams. I would tell him about funny things that were happening, things that were bothering me. He didn't have enough time to write me back, but I didn't mind. It was like my problems were going out to the universe, being read by someone, and were no longer my burden to bear. Being in Cape May to watch my brother accomplish his dreams meant SO much for me.
As the Coasties started to march in, I remember the crowd screaming and cheering. I saw my mom and Paige start to cry. One graduate, one graduate, one graduate, MICHAEL! There he was, proud and tall and walking like a man. I was so happy! Everyone looked the same, there were blurs of faces and muffled sobs and cheers. Than there was this boy. I watched him walk by and sat down quietly. Who knew that my life was about to change.
I was introduced to him in the parking lot of the hotel we were staying in. I shoved my way out of the rental car like a creep and made up an excuse of changing my shoes to talk to him. He was so handsome (looked like he needed a sandwich) but I was infatuated. In the five minutes I stalled putting on a different pair of shoes I learned he was stationed in San Francisco and was a reservist. When I walked away, I walked away grinning from ear to ear. This totally random stranger in the most random parking lot in the most random town in New Jersey, left me feeling like my life wasn't as bad as I thought it was at the time.
We talked on facebook while he was in Virginia and he visited me when I moved back to California. He spent days with my family and was introduced to them all as a trial-by-fire brunch (literally the WHOLE family...extended and all!) and passed the "Disneyland test". He was deployed to Alabama and once again our relationship was spent more in different time zones than face to face. I was so in love with this boy I was completely ok with doing a long distance relationship. Luckily for us, that didn't end up happening. I got a job in San Francisco and moved in in October.
When you know, you know. We lived together up through January, than I accepted a job in Honolulu. I moved to Oahu January 24 and spent another three grueling weeks away from the love of my life. When I picked him up in the airport in Honolulu, I was so nervous I was shaking and peed at LEAST five times...like a nervous Chihuahua. But there he was, more handsome than ever and I knew again, that I was the luckiest girl in the world.
I've come back to a place that I left on bad terms, ready to start over again. I am very successful now on Oahu and enjoying it more than I did the two previous years I was here. I feel like THIS is where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. THIS is the person I am supposed to be with. You live and you learn and we all go through rough seas to get to the calm water. I have unfinished karma here on this island, there is a reason I am here. And there is a reason that he is here with me.
One full year ago I would not believe anyone that would tell me that I would be this happy right now. But one full year later, I am blissfully happy and I wish this happiness upon everyone in the world. Tyler Scurti, I love you. You mean everything to me and I am so happy that I climbed my way out of that car in Jersey.
Life is beautiful and it's crazy and everything happens for a reason. You just have to open yourself up to the signs.
:)
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Lollygag
I saw a whale today driving home from work. Jumped straight out of the ocean and crashed into the ocean right in front of my view. I felt happy.
It's been a tough few weeks. I think they are starting to transition me into the manager's position...which I'm very excited about and voiced my opinion in hoping to be a candidate in their hiring process. It's been crazy, I've been busy, and it's helping the time go by fast. Tomorrow is Sunday my day off. I'm going to have lunch at the Kahala Resort with one of my dad's friends, I'm very excited. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday should go by fast. That means Thursday will be here even quicker. So just a few days away from Tyler getting here.
I can make it. I am very lucky to be where I am and have a ten minute drive to work where I can see whales. And that I can see dolphins and sea lions and penguins at my job. I am extremely blessed for all of that. I'm thankful for all my family, friends and good health as well.
And I'm very thankful February 10th is quickly approaching :)
Aloha!
It's been a tough few weeks. I think they are starting to transition me into the manager's position...which I'm very excited about and voiced my opinion in hoping to be a candidate in their hiring process. It's been crazy, I've been busy, and it's helping the time go by fast. Tomorrow is Sunday my day off. I'm going to have lunch at the Kahala Resort with one of my dad's friends, I'm very excited. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday should go by fast. That means Thursday will be here even quicker. So just a few days away from Tyler getting here.
I can make it. I am very lucky to be where I am and have a ten minute drive to work where I can see whales. And that I can see dolphins and sea lions and penguins at my job. I am extremely blessed for all of that. I'm thankful for all my family, friends and good health as well.
And I'm very thankful February 10th is quickly approaching :)
Aloha!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Life's a beach
Paradise can be lonely.
I successfully survived my first week of work at Sea Life Park Hawaii. I went into it on Monday morning feeling hopeful and excited, and left Monday afternoon feeling terrified and overwhelmed. I thought I had taken on more than I could handle and was concerned my qualifications weren't enough to prepare me for the tasks at hand. I came into a department that consisted of all of three people: myself, an ancient Japanese lady and my manager, who is quitting Feb 11th because of her pregnancy. She handed me a binder that was 10 inches thick, showed me a cubicle and basically said "read". Some of my tasks include hiring, firing, scheduling, orientating and creating new volunteer programs in three departments, outreaches for public programs, new lectures, teaching and creating and redesigning the park's already existing lecture-based k-12 classroom programs. My manager was in and out of the office the rest of the week and I was tossed head-first into crying volunteers, bleeding and cut interns and scheduling school groups.
Tuesday afternoon after aimlessly staring at my computer unsure of what to do, I decided to take a walk around the park and ran into the general manager. He knew immediately who I was and said that I was the "famous person from California, brought in to save the education department". My heart sank. What!? I worked part-time at the Aquarium of the Bay talking about fish! Before that I was a waitress and before THAT I was training! He said how he had to wait weeks to hire me because I was coming from San Francisco and Stephanie (my manager) had insisted that I was the best person for the job. He started asking me managerial questions...needless to say I smiled and nodded and did the best I could in terms of answering them and walked away feeling like a deflated balloon. What was I doing!?
Wednesday afternoon after another full day of questioning my abilities to perform the tasks at hand, I decided to just jump and make something happen. Thursday I came up with two projects and presented them to my manager and got the "Ok!" to start them. My first project is to get an Education Cart set up in the park where I can take on more volunteers to staff it and talk about marine conservation and answer questions about marine life. I emailed the Monterey Bay Aquarium to ask about becoming a partner in their Seafood Watch program, drew up a proposal for the Sales and Marketing Department and got them to replace a hole in my floor, a new computer monitor, hired on 2 new volunteers and started drawing up lectures and lesson plans for my outreach cart.
Needless to say when I left work yesterday I saw a ton of potential in my position and helping to make the park a more education-friendly area. I've gotten the green light from a bunch of management and now it's just a matter of taking it and running with it all the way to the finish line.
...but after all the stress and success this week...I still come home alone. I cook dinner for myself, watch tv by myself, drive my car by myself, go to sleep by myself and wake up by myself. I went out with friends last night and felt like I was finally back home and had a blast, but wishing someone was here and being able to share all of these experiences with me just makes me feel lonely.
Last night I looked up at the stars and smiled at all their twinkling faces. Today, I stood on a rocky outcropping with a dear friend of mine and looked towards the back of an ancient volcano. It was covered in green foliage and contrasted against the bright blue sky. The water bellow me was crystal blue and stretched to the horizon. Nothing but the sound of waves and laughter surrounded me. I jumped off a log into the sea and swam around a rocky reef. I laid on a white sand beach and hiked back through a trail of black sand. I had so much fun, I felt completely blessed. And all I could think about was you.
I successfully survived my first week of work at Sea Life Park Hawaii. I went into it on Monday morning feeling hopeful and excited, and left Monday afternoon feeling terrified and overwhelmed. I thought I had taken on more than I could handle and was concerned my qualifications weren't enough to prepare me for the tasks at hand. I came into a department that consisted of all of three people: myself, an ancient Japanese lady and my manager, who is quitting Feb 11th because of her pregnancy. She handed me a binder that was 10 inches thick, showed me a cubicle and basically said "read". Some of my tasks include hiring, firing, scheduling, orientating and creating new volunteer programs in three departments, outreaches for public programs, new lectures, teaching and creating and redesigning the park's already existing lecture-based k-12 classroom programs. My manager was in and out of the office the rest of the week and I was tossed head-first into crying volunteers, bleeding and cut interns and scheduling school groups.
Tuesday afternoon after aimlessly staring at my computer unsure of what to do, I decided to take a walk around the park and ran into the general manager. He knew immediately who I was and said that I was the "famous person from California, brought in to save the education department". My heart sank. What!? I worked part-time at the Aquarium of the Bay talking about fish! Before that I was a waitress and before THAT I was training! He said how he had to wait weeks to hire me because I was coming from San Francisco and Stephanie (my manager) had insisted that I was the best person for the job. He started asking me managerial questions...needless to say I smiled and nodded and did the best I could in terms of answering them and walked away feeling like a deflated balloon. What was I doing!?
Wednesday afternoon after another full day of questioning my abilities to perform the tasks at hand, I decided to just jump and make something happen. Thursday I came up with two projects and presented them to my manager and got the "Ok!" to start them. My first project is to get an Education Cart set up in the park where I can take on more volunteers to staff it and talk about marine conservation and answer questions about marine life. I emailed the Monterey Bay Aquarium to ask about becoming a partner in their Seafood Watch program, drew up a proposal for the Sales and Marketing Department and got them to replace a hole in my floor, a new computer monitor, hired on 2 new volunteers and started drawing up lectures and lesson plans for my outreach cart.
Needless to say when I left work yesterday I saw a ton of potential in my position and helping to make the park a more education-friendly area. I've gotten the green light from a bunch of management and now it's just a matter of taking it and running with it all the way to the finish line.
...but after all the stress and success this week...I still come home alone. I cook dinner for myself, watch tv by myself, drive my car by myself, go to sleep by myself and wake up by myself. I went out with friends last night and felt like I was finally back home and had a blast, but wishing someone was here and being able to share all of these experiences with me just makes me feel lonely.
Last night I looked up at the stars and smiled at all their twinkling faces. Today, I stood on a rocky outcropping with a dear friend of mine and looked towards the back of an ancient volcano. It was covered in green foliage and contrasted against the bright blue sky. The water bellow me was crystal blue and stretched to the horizon. Nothing but the sound of waves and laughter surrounded me. I jumped off a log into the sea and swam around a rocky reef. I laid on a white sand beach and hiked back through a trail of black sand. I had so much fun, I felt completely blessed. And all I could think about was you.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Then it hit me
I wasn't really that excited about moving back until yesterday. I guess it's wrong for me to say that I wasn't excited, I was. It just hadn't hit me yet. I had everything packed in San Jose, cried saying goodbye to Tyler and his mom, drove the 5 long hours with the comfort of the cat on my lap and got in to LA Tuesday night. I spent the following days unpacking, repacking, unpacking and repacking again. Once everything FINALLY fit into 2 bags (which still had to be shuffled around at the airport), I still didn't feel like I was moving. There were all my bags, everything in my life AGAIN stowed away into TSA regulation sized suitcases, and it hadn't hit me yet.
I continued the goodbyes throughout Thursday and Friday and kept reassuring my cat that he would be loved and missed but well taken care of by my parents. Friday afternoon I was sitting in LAX in a very crowded Gate 22. I called Tyler and looked up at the screen. Hawaiian Airlines Flight HA9 non-stop service to Honolulu. I got choked up. I was alone. I was moving. I was going. Again. That's when it hit me.
I felt better on the airplane, I sat next to a woman from Orlando who was almost 70 and flew every year to see her grandkids in Ewa Beach. We chatted and made the flight go by much quicker by joking about the geckos in the HawaiianSkies magazine. When I saw the lights of Honolulu brighten up the plane as we made our final decent, I got nervous. Then, it hit me again. This was the first time I was completely on my own moving.
With the grace of good friends I've made it to Saturday night. It's 8:30 Hawaii time, but 10:30 Pacific time...and boy I didn't sleep much last night. I'm exhausted from moving. But I got everything worked out. I have my cute, but small, studio in Hawaii Kai...my old, but running well, truck from Teare...and I start my job on Monday morning. I bought groceries (forgot how expensive Hawaii is!) and plan on either hiking Koko Head tomorrow..WHICH I LIVE CLOSE TO!! :)...or surfing.
Now that I have a few minutes to myself, guess what, it hit me...I'm where people save up years to vacation...and I'm living here. I'm so blessed to have full-time work in a field that I am passionate about especially in an economy like we have today. I am grateful for a roof over my head, especially when it has a view of the mountains. I could not have done it at all without Tyler.
And he's all the way in San Jose. Not even getting to enjoy any of this. The apartment he paid rent for, the car he purchased...nothing.
And of course, it hits me, I miss him like crazy. I've done this before, lived far away from him. Our relationship has spent more time spanning miles across the globe than it has in the same time zone. Once again I'm more than 2000 miles away from him. I thought this may be easier this time around, but I know how it feels to miss him and this time it is really hard.
And despite all I have and all I can get and all I have done and can do and will do...I can't help feeling horribly alone. I'm surrounded by people and friends on a beautiful warm island with clear blue water and sunny skies and there is just one person I want here so badly that isn't.
Come on. Hit me with it...February 10th can't come fast enough.
I continued the goodbyes throughout Thursday and Friday and kept reassuring my cat that he would be loved and missed but well taken care of by my parents. Friday afternoon I was sitting in LAX in a very crowded Gate 22. I called Tyler and looked up at the screen. Hawaiian Airlines Flight HA9 non-stop service to Honolulu. I got choked up. I was alone. I was moving. I was going. Again. That's when it hit me.
I felt better on the airplane, I sat next to a woman from Orlando who was almost 70 and flew every year to see her grandkids in Ewa Beach. We chatted and made the flight go by much quicker by joking about the geckos in the HawaiianSkies magazine. When I saw the lights of Honolulu brighten up the plane as we made our final decent, I got nervous. Then, it hit me again. This was the first time I was completely on my own moving.
With the grace of good friends I've made it to Saturday night. It's 8:30 Hawaii time, but 10:30 Pacific time...and boy I didn't sleep much last night. I'm exhausted from moving. But I got everything worked out. I have my cute, but small, studio in Hawaii Kai...my old, but running well, truck from Teare...and I start my job on Monday morning. I bought groceries (forgot how expensive Hawaii is!) and plan on either hiking Koko Head tomorrow..WHICH I LIVE CLOSE TO!! :)...or surfing.
Now that I have a few minutes to myself, guess what, it hit me...I'm where people save up years to vacation...and I'm living here. I'm so blessed to have full-time work in a field that I am passionate about especially in an economy like we have today. I am grateful for a roof over my head, especially when it has a view of the mountains. I could not have done it at all without Tyler.
And he's all the way in San Jose. Not even getting to enjoy any of this. The apartment he paid rent for, the car he purchased...nothing.
And of course, it hits me, I miss him like crazy. I've done this before, lived far away from him. Our relationship has spent more time spanning miles across the globe than it has in the same time zone. Once again I'm more than 2000 miles away from him. I thought this may be easier this time around, but I know how it feels to miss him and this time it is really hard.
And despite all I have and all I can get and all I have done and can do and will do...I can't help feeling horribly alone. I'm surrounded by people and friends on a beautiful warm island with clear blue water and sunny skies and there is just one person I want here so badly that isn't.
Come on. Hit me with it...February 10th can't come fast enough.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Once again
Once again, my life is about to change. It's weird to think that all of those times I've packed my life into and out of boxes, that THIS time I'm struggling to make everything fit. My one suitcase weighs just barely under 50 pounds and the other is packed completely full, luckily under 40. I still have to finish unpacking a box and scrape wax off my surfboard...and I fly at 5:05 tomorrow afternoon.
This time tomorrow night I'll be on Oahu again. I'll be completely alone...besides of course my wonderful friends. I just have to sort out housing and car stuff and than start work on Monday...eek!
20 days 16 hours 4 mins and 18 seconds.
This time tomorrow night I'll be on Oahu again. I'll be completely alone...besides of course my wonderful friends. I just have to sort out housing and car stuff and than start work on Monday...eek!
20 days 16 hours 4 mins and 18 seconds.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
We're breaking up...
Dear San Francisco,
I am breaking up with you.
No, no, no! It's not your fault. Really, it's me. I really enjoyed my job, it was great being able to work with all the fish and the public. I really liked talking about sea bass and sharks and sea lions and stuff. You were always kind of the "dream" city, and we did it...we had fun, right? I did enjoy all those good times we had with that big Christmas tree and all those pretty lights. I'll never forget your foghorns or the way you look all bundled up in the mist early in the morning. And boy...you DO look good at night! But you see, it's just not going to work out.
I live in San Jose, your good neighbor, and I really enjoy San Jose. But the two hour drive to and from you with all your traffic is annoying. Your one-way streets, all of 3 gas stations, high parking prices and unfriendly commuter routes really started to rub me the wrong way. I smiled, and bared it, because I thought maybe things would change. But you never did San Francisco, you never did. It's great you won the World Series, but the congestion you caused along The Embarcadero in order to celebrate was SLIGHTLY ridiculous. Look, we had some great times, the Golden Gate is nice, I really love the Bay Bridge...but...I have to be honest...there's someone else.
I'm getting back together with my ex, Oahu. Oahu's great! Oahu has sunny beaches and clear blue water and tropical fish. I can wear a bathing suit. A BATHING SUIT, SAN FRANCISCO! Do you even know what that is?? Oahu makes me HAPPY! Oahu has rain forests and DAMN you should see Waikiki during the summer...MMMM! Big waves, good weather and did I tell you? Oahu is going to support me. Money San Francisco, money! Do you remember that little thing you promised but never pulled through on? No part-time bs. Full-time. Education. Sea Life Park!
So...we can still be friends right? I'll visit. I mean, I think you're a great vacation spot. But...right now, this just isn't going to work out.
Alright, going to go pack, I got a hot date on the 21st with Oahu. We're going snorkeling.
Love always,
Bree
I am breaking up with you.
No, no, no! It's not your fault. Really, it's me. I really enjoyed my job, it was great being able to work with all the fish and the public. I really liked talking about sea bass and sharks and sea lions and stuff. You were always kind of the "dream" city, and we did it...we had fun, right? I did enjoy all those good times we had with that big Christmas tree and all those pretty lights. I'll never forget your foghorns or the way you look all bundled up in the mist early in the morning. And boy...you DO look good at night! But you see, it's just not going to work out.
I live in San Jose, your good neighbor, and I really enjoy San Jose. But the two hour drive to and from you with all your traffic is annoying. Your one-way streets, all of 3 gas stations, high parking prices and unfriendly commuter routes really started to rub me the wrong way. I smiled, and bared it, because I thought maybe things would change. But you never did San Francisco, you never did. It's great you won the World Series, but the congestion you caused along The Embarcadero in order to celebrate was SLIGHTLY ridiculous. Look, we had some great times, the Golden Gate is nice, I really love the Bay Bridge...but...I have to be honest...there's someone else.
I'm getting back together with my ex, Oahu. Oahu's great! Oahu has sunny beaches and clear blue water and tropical fish. I can wear a bathing suit. A BATHING SUIT, SAN FRANCISCO! Do you even know what that is?? Oahu makes me HAPPY! Oahu has rain forests and DAMN you should see Waikiki during the summer...MMMM! Big waves, good weather and did I tell you? Oahu is going to support me. Money San Francisco, money! Do you remember that little thing you promised but never pulled through on? No part-time bs. Full-time. Education. Sea Life Park!
So...we can still be friends right? I'll visit. I mean, I think you're a great vacation spot. But...right now, this just isn't going to work out.
Alright, going to go pack, I got a hot date on the 21st with Oahu. We're going snorkeling.
Love always,
Bree
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