Lessons learned

I don't know who I am writing to, or where my audience is, nay...WHO my audience is...but I'm pretty sure I'm doing this for myself. It is my way of redirecting these screaming thoughts onto something tangible. As volatile as my life was this week, I know that this is the rough water to get to the smooth passage and I don't want to miss even a moment of this part of my life. Because from great turmoil comes lessons that every life needs to learn. And I don't want to lose out on those lessons. No matter how painful this moment is, was or may be, I can still grow and learn. Why pass up an opportunity to learn and become wiser?

From this situation I have learned many things...things that maybe won't make sense to me until days, weeks, months, years later. But of this time there are few things that hold prominent in my head:

I have found the true meaning of home. Last night, sitting on a beach with my dear friend Claudette, Tyler and I, I had a moment of profound happiness. In those quickly fleeting moments on a beautiful twilight-filled Kalama beach, I sat hand in hand facing Tyler on a blanket in the sand. We closed our eyes, touched our foreheads and encircled each other in emerald green light. I was supposed to be focusing on the future, but my present was too pronounced for me to ignore. Though my head was clear, my heart was speaking and I just let it jabber as much as it needed. It told me that everything is ok, that I can let go, that this time in my life can be looked back upon with only happiness and pleasant memories. That what I thought was home, was only a lesson and that my true home was more than a physical place. Suddenly I grinned from ear to ear, wider than I had all week and the sound of the waves, the brushing of the wind against my face, the voice of Claudette, all faded away. There was nothing more that I needed, nothing more that mattered than my home. More than body, and the metaphysical, in a way that I can't describe (because I'm half convinced the words don't exist in the English language) I knew that home was in front of my eyes. Not the sand, not the surf, not even the stars, but the soul that resided in the body in front of me. Behind closed lids I could see more clearly than if my eyes were to be open. I knew at that moment that I could be anywhere, go anywhere and be at home. The stars will be the same, it is always the same ocean...and this soul I have known for many lives has known mine. There is more to the meaning "home is wherever your heart is" than I ever knew. I wander this Earth looking for home and little did I know that it was here in the form of another soul. I never question or judge when this soul is around and all the reasons I have been searching for have been found. Dear heart, please rest, we are home.

I have learned that losing control of certain parts of my life really effect me. Who knew I was such a control freak? Ok, fine, more than most. But this is a lesson in letting life and karma/circumstance/rolling with the punches take control. I can not control every aspect. I can project a positive or negative energy but I need to learn to be like water around a stone. I also learned that certain things are taken so easily for granted; falling asleep in your own bed, making your own schedule of when to wake up, eat, etc...living life on my own time and my own money and schedule apparently meant more to me than I thought. But the thing that I dislike the most about losing control is not being able to fall asleep next to Tyler. Knowing that he is there but on the opposite side of a couch is terrible. I wish that upon no one. I can't wait for the day we can fall asleep on our time, in our own bed, wake up to our own pace, eat with our own food, shower with our own water and live on our own money. Don't take this for granted!

I have learned that letting go of things can be hard...the lifestyle, the island, the warm water, the surf, the people. Saying goodbye to friends and family is never easy. Letting go of the Ko'olau Mountains, Baby Maks, Manoa valley, Waikiki beach and Maunalua Bay. I have to let you go. I have no unhealthy thoughts about you, I love you, therefore I have to let you go. Rain drops that give way to sunny skies and rainbows over jungled driveways and the salty warm air of the cliffs, I have to let you go. To the tropical waters and the coral reefs of Maui I have to let you go. To the volcano on Big Island, the waterfalls of Kaua'i I have to let you go. It is not my time, it is someone else's. Inspire them, teach them to love you the way that I did. And have. But because there is nothing but love, I can let you go. I can stand back and live through those that are stepping wide-eyed off a plane onto your sun-drenched shores. I can hope that they live the same that I did...truly. I hope they learn the meaning of hard work and be inspired by the beauty that is all around them. I hope they learn that family is important and so are these islands. I hope they can grow and watch over the 'aina. I hope they learn the meaning of aloha and feel the moist air coming across the ocean, from Diamond Head's cliffs and over to Sandy's. I hope they can sit in the clear water in Waimea and dive deep, be still, and listen to the whales make their annual journey to your water. I really hope they love you as much as I have. And when their time comes to let you go, I hope it is easier than when I have had to, and that they feel as much love in leaving you as I do. Hawai'i nei, you will always be with me, but until we meet again...aloha a hui hou.


There. I've done it. I've let go. I can leave peacefully and only hold happiness in my heart this time as we part ways. Your energy will draw me back to you always, as will many others. But this time my beautiful islands, I can go with a happy heart. Despite the pain, I know these are lessons I needed to learn. Mother California, you have waited so patiently for my return. You have been there all along with open arms, smiling and inviting me back. I'm coming and I'm taking my home with me.

California, once again, here I come...always...right back where I started from.